Friday, 4a, Does life ever make sense?

 Maybe it's not for us to know? Now that I'm learning to sit with my feelings and let the distress pass (now that I'm more aware of it, I can recognize it and anticipate that it won't last forever no matter what it feels like).

This certainly isn't easy because my immediate thought (survival-based), is to find a solution or assign a meaning.

Last night I mostly distracted myself with softball and clicking and planning. I knew the clicking and planning was fruitless but I had to do something to stop the thoughts. So, I clicked and planned and took notes. And made charts and compared prices. Signs of an unreformed frugalista.

Oh well.

If you missed it, check out yesterday's post on my last minute plans to have a hot girl summer being cancelled literally as I walked out the door to catch my flight.

My thoughts last night and really currently as it's still the middle of the night was drafting an email to Blueground explaining the flag; confirming the refund; and seeing if I'll be able to book again with that card.

The charge still posted by the way! And that's pretty much my whole credit limit, so even if I wanted to rebook, I couldn't! 

After being vexed; venting to a committee member (fruitless, I really gotta stop doing that, will this old goat ever learn! literally this committee member is 0 for 100 in helping me feel better in times like this #OldMERJ); and trying to figure out what the universe/God is trying to tell me, I finally decided I'll try again.

But as I type this, I realize it's a near impossibility. The charge just posted sometime between 11pm and 4a this morning. It was pending dated 5/4 and posted dated 5/5 but only really only updated the balance now.

So if took that long to post the charge, what are the chances it'll be reversed by Sunday night? Nil.

Well the plan was going to be, if the refund posts by Sunday night, that'll give me enough chance to try to rebook and them to vet the purchase. 

My clicking around showed the more desirable travel dates as leaving next week as was originally planned. And just going ahead and booking a roundtrip ticket. I'm just going to forego the bonus miles at this point.

It's been the source of most of this distress. So what's the lesson there?

I guess without wanting to call it, I think my Summer in Seattle is pretty much dead in the water, womp, womp. Does this mean I stop trying to optimize expenses? Nope!

Does it mean I stop sharing plans before they happen? 100% yes! I knew this but lost my mind for a second. #OldMERJ

My cousin using the phrase 'victory lap' was not a sign telling me to go. Getting the AA card and finding the lodging cheaper on the host site was also not a sign telling me to go. Ha!

So likewise this debacle was not a sign telling me to stay!

This was just me wanting to do the things I wanted to do and it not working out. 

Those Daily Hopes about dreaming big and not letting go of your dream until you are blessed was also not a sign of anything. I already knew that! Chasing dreams because I think they are biblically-based has literally ALWAYS led to heartbreak in one form or the other. 

I have to accept and affirm for myself (apparently continuously) that I don't know how to read signs and thus question their significance / existence in my life. 

I have to just go back to what I can confirm. If my overall objective is survival, the basic question isn't is this is a sign for whether or not to do x,y,z...it's simply - is this a threat to my life? Is the alternative a threat to my life? Depending on the situation, I mean a threat to my physical / emotional/ or financial well being.

Like we say clinically with allergies - no known allergies. To me, that just accounts for what we can verify.

I don't know of any verifiable threats to my physical / emotional/ or financial well being if I go to Seattle for 6 weeks above and beyond what would happen if I stayed in NC for the next 6 weeks.

Oh, you want to know what else is funny. Part of my 2-week hiatus from the apps was because I wanted to have a check-in with my counselor where I didn't have any dating woes and ugly crying. That 2-week hold ended today (Friday) and I got a voicemail last night that she needs to reschedule. I wanted to get some advice and just get her input on the trip. (Even though I was going to go anyway, I wanted her blessing to get back on the apps and just prove to myself that I can wait.) Ha! How do you like them apples?

So what is this a sign of- a busy therapist with a life?