A little weary

 I haven't slept well the last 2 days thinking about this trip. I see now how you can forget to do something or not call someone back and it has nothing to do with the other person.

I haven't been able to think straight between actual work stress and just personal stress about the trip.

I was stressing myself out trying to figure out how I feel; predict emotional outcomes; optimize expenses.

It was too much. I think I just gave in (it costs what it costs) and am trying to let go.

Last night, I couldn't sleep so around 1a (for the second time that night), I went to get my phone out of the office. I scrolled the lodging site (to confirm deals?). Then I scrolled American Airlines (to confirm deals?).  Before that in the evevning, I was scrolling the credit card bonus site to see how I can get some of this return ticket paid for.

I was replaying scenarios in my mind of how this could have turned out differently. All for $400. I make that in a day, so by that metric, I gave this way too much thought.

I'm hoping #hotgirlsummer will be a little bit different. It's already going to be spendy. I don't even have a budget for vacation expenses.

Too much pressure if these last few days have been anything.

In the end, all my scrolling did lead to something. 

I found a return ticket home for about $400. I don't know what's going on with airlines these days or what a reasonable fare even is! All the FIRE people use points so no one's really posting their numbers.

American Airlines was starting in the $1,000 range and that seemed weird. That must be to deter demand or something because that is hardly competitive.

Eventhough I had accepted the fact that I live near a regional airport (not an international or a hub) and would have to pay the convenience fee of being chartered to nearby airports, I still searched the 2 larger airports within a 2 to 3 hour drive.

The prices weren't that much better, and certainly not worth the hassle of trying to drive myself or find a ride back. 

Convenience fee accepted!

But I did look because I was conditioned frugal! I mean that's most people, I would think. No one wants to spend more for something than needed.

But yeah, suffice to say, I have felt uneasy about this trip just because financially it's such a big move and goes against everything I've been practicing the last 4 years. 

I think a lot of it is my committee members are spenders so that influences my perspective. And then the tears. I soothed myself yesterday that the alternative was dying. Not even dying alone or something equally tragic. Just those seeping thoughts earlier in the year of just wanting to end my life. I just thought whatever I spend, at least I'll have spent it before I die.

I don't know, some days death just seems like it could really happen any day... any day before now and when I die.

That's a silly statement, but that's the mood I've been in.

So I keep swiping (my card that is)!

Yep, so last night I officially changed my 401k contribution. After frontloading it at the beginning of the year, I was unsure how much to contribute since I'm trying to be more spendy this year to enjoy this money I work hard for and find a natural middle ground. Anyway, after frontloading 401k to the near max in Q1, I reduced contributions to pre-tax to the 6% to get the match.

I was unsure about after-tax because I didn't have any hard and fast money goals far and above what I've already saved and invested this year. So I'd started at 30% aftertax, then got down to 24%, now I just went ahead and reduced it down to 6% aftertax. This is to help cashflow my spendy summer (and I still get to buy into some of this down market). Haha. 

I'm okay with it actually.

There was a loose goal last night of trying to figure out how to make extra cash to the tune of about $400 this summer (to cover my return flight). But in the light of day, that remains a loose goal.

Maybe when I can think straight I can cobble together a bank bonus. But for now, I can't worry about that in this moment. 

In my last minute booking for lodging, my 1st choice place was snatched up just minutes before I went to book. So I was stuck between a pretty place and a dated functional place with (hopefully) great views. I went with the functional place because I still need to perform at work.

I felt affirmed in that decision last night when an email came through for a 2.5 hour meeting coming up while I'm away. It's one thing to sit through a 1 hour catch-up with my mentor and manager once a week, but 2.5 hours in an uncomfortable setup would have been panicworthy.

So, yay!

Anyway, this has been quite the mental exercise in resilience, goals, failsafes, guardrails...all the things!

Feelings I've noticed cloud Instincts.

So when I'm feeling distressed, one thing I can try saying to myself is: are you physically, emotionally, or financially in danger? Is this thing you're questioning going to jeopardize your physical, emotional, or financial safety/ security/ stability?

It was tricky with the Seattle trip because it's a large expense, but ultimately does it threaten my financial stability? Not really.  Not stability. Will I have less money after the trip? Yes! But will I be able to pay my regular bills? Yes! Did I have to dip into any emergency or special funds? Nope! Although I was tempted to mingle some funds and pay them back later, but in the end I didn't need to.

In the light of day that actually helps even if there were a small convenience fee attached to that decision. Right now, I'm fairly confident I have enough (without looking) in my BillPay account to cover my next 3 months' expenses. That gives me room to cashflow this trip for a little while. I hope not more than 3 paychecks since I'll be gone 6 weeks, but no pressure.

I'm really glad I was able to replenish that Bill Pay account earlier this year because that was another one that got a bit anemic in my mad dash to FIRE last year! 

As for threats to my physical and emotional stability/security? No known threats, but the possibility always exists. 

(a few minutes later)

At the last minute, decided to wash my jacket, scarf, and a cloth I use sometimes for stretches. Meh, why not! I refuse to believe it's anything but summer weather but I think it'll be a little cool for a few days at my destination (gonna not name it lest the Devil hears and stirs the pot some more).

So that's where we are folks.

I'm mentally tired and physically tired. My entire body has locked up as though I ran a marathon and I'm not quite sure why.