Dear Future MERJ,
I'm so proud of you for chasing this forgotten dream. I want you to arrive and be happy. I want you to be proud of overcomng every obstacle to live the life you imagined. I want you to consider your trip to Seattle a success by the mere fact that you dreamed it and did everything in your power to make it come true. Just by your arriving in Seattle with the good intention of living out a forgotten dream makes this a success.
Love Always,
May 2022 MERJ
So there you have it, Mean Brain. I know you will fill me with lies and disappointment and grief from now until the end of my trip. But I wanted something to say, hey you did it. Even if whatever new and old outcomes I imagined don't come true. Negative thinking is more impactful than positive thinking I read the other day. I'll never know why.
Yesterday I was excited to go, now I'm dreading it again. Mean Brain is telling me:
- why didn't you just wait the 2 weeks like you said you would to make sure you still wanted to go
- why are you signing up to be disappointed for 5 weeks; you know summer love is not for you, you know your love story is waiting for you in heaven (or next fall*); *side note: i know longer feel those strong feelings that next fall is where my perfect love will find me; I think by pursuing this trip, I changed the trajectory of that narrative
- why are you wasting all your money when you could have dumped it into investments and been guaranteed an outcome
But then this dread I'm feeling with getting back into dating makes me happy I'm taking a final spin now rather than restarting this love engine in the Fall. This heat doesn't help either.
And actually, even though the revision to my document may have required more mental energy than actual keyboarding, it has been nice having my WFH setup to toggle between screens.
I'm already not sleeping well because it's so hot and the sun is out at like 7a.
But I wanted to write a love note to myself. I've been trying to stay off my cell phone for a few days. The dread awaiting me on the apps is simply that - dreadful.
In winning news - it appears my refund is on the way for the last booking. This makes me happy that I didn't have to do a follow-up. PTL!!
I have to run an errand today. Although my eyes are open, I am quite weary.
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