And here I was

 And here I was thinking I was going to take the pre-retirement years by storm.  I know I'll get over it - isn't that the story of my life. But what now?

Just ease into the Final Countdown I guess. It just doesn't make sense. I bought this make-up and these dresses? Do I still keep settling for not what I want even when the whole purpose was to do what I wanted?

Do I want to be in a hotel room for 4 weeks? I don't know if it's because it's not what I want or just the whole thing has soured me.

Stop fighting. Relinquish the past. I'm definitely writing a bad review on Google. I feel powerless. 

I can't believe I'll never fall in love. Well I wasn't going to fall in love, but I was going to get some fun times in at least. 

It's hard to pay more for something when you know you can get it for less. 

So how does MERJ 2.0 handle this? Or does she stop wanting big things. #ordinarylife

That's what I get for seeking a more life. Was that 1 week trip to Seattle all I get. That tracks. 

Do I just swallow the minestrone soup when I wanted strawberry custard.

This is just so weird. It doesn't feel like God or the universe anymore. It feels like confusion and injustice.

The whole thing is tainted a little bit. I know I'll feel better in 3 days, but right now I want to burn something to the ground.

I wasn't ready to live this less-life. I didn't even get to take a victory lap.

#secretlove always disappoints

My last wish I guess is to know what it's like to get exactly what you want, when you want it, and it feel the way you thought it would.

Sigh.

Do I try again in the fall? Do I try again in the spring? What was the urgency?

Do I let this impact future experiences or does it go in the list of hurts that seethes into the future and gets recalled in moments just like this one.

Oy.

Well good thing this road leads to nowhere.

I don't want to be affected by this. What action can I take to remedy this?