Thanks, God, but no thanks

 The messages from my Daily Hope devotional lately have been centered around God-sized goals. I've been down this road before. And with the recent angst around dating and finding a life partner, a partner to do life with, I was almost buying what they were selling. 

Luckily, I have my poster of Things Known to Hurt Me and all matters of secret love and a 'more-life' are listed on there from different life timepoints. It's a recurring theme. The church promises all these things that are biblically-based, and I have a pattern of falling for them and then becoming devastated when I'm left broken-hearted and confused. When I'm left trying to assign meaning or find meaning in a chaotic world. Most days my prayers are simple - thank you God for taking care of me. 

That's it. A simpler, more ordinary life. It's all I can financially and psychologically afford. 

So yeah, maybe my goals and dreams aren't God-sized but neither are my hurts and hangups. At least when I don't let them. But then Mean Brain and The Past take over and everything is God-sized. But when I can control my wants and desires to bite-sized, life is better for me.

Here's the thing I wanted to share that was in the Daily Hope. Had a mini-Eureka moment.

So if you trust God with your dreams you literally spend 3 of the 6 steps in some sort of despair. Um, hard pass.

At least I know now I'm not crazy. Like what the heck. Why would I want that.

There were a couple examples of biblical people whose dreams took so long to come true that they lost sight of it or tried to interpret wrong signs and messed it all up (I'm looking at you Abraham and Rahab). And these are people who had direct communication with God. 

Yeah, there's no hope for the rest of us.

I know this was meant to be encouraging, but it was the data and affirmation I needed. I'm not too keen on waiting 40 more years for a dream that won't make much sense or be that desirable in 40 years.

I literally can't imagine anything I want now that would be desirable in 40 years. 

Then there's Biden- who had to wait so long to become president. So maybe that. 

But yeah, I'm not an exception. My life's circumstances have taught me that over and over.

This year has just renewed my desire to let go of big expectations and a big life. I've already been settling into a mediocre life for some time now, but every now and then I want a taste of the Big Life.

Then I come crashing back to reality. And reality is an okay place to be. Because whether I want to be here or not, here I am.

There are some swirling thoughts about some Buddhist principles I'd heard before about just loving people and not expecting anything in return. Kind of a turn-the-other cheek mantra. They said it's the highest form of love. And I skimmed through some pages of The Five Agreements and they were talking about how we have this need to punish people that hurt us. For me it shows up as witholding affection or attention - it's done to me and I do it to others. I think it's me protecting me but I do think part of it is punishing the other person. And then also just accepting negative things people say about us.  But I think what I got out of it is the author saying, how much freer would you be if you weren't holding this long list of grievances against people.

Yes, freedom! I am on this freedom journey. We thought FIRE was just freedom from the workplace. But for me, it feels like the start of freedom from a lot of things. Who knew money kept us prisoner in so many aspects of our life! Who knew!

I had a love jab yesterday in a conversation with a committee member. I felt myself wanting to let it go then my current self wanting to address it. I half-addressed it. And then was like whatever. I used to be whatever but this particular person has a tendency to be pedantic and want to address every single thing. Not necessarily to have the last word like my mentor, but definitely some leanings. I think it's how they were raised. Just carrying around other people's negative history for amusement. That's fine.

I'm slowly returning to the girl in the backround. The shadows were not such a bad place. I never have a need to have the last word. I think that's where work got me confused. There is some place in work-life that requires speaking up. You have to posture a bit to present yourself as competent in order to get paid. 

So I'm hopeful that once I'm freed fully from the workplace, that need to posture in my personal life will seem less important.

So yes, I'm freeing myself from the linger of old friends and old relationships and undesirable ways I'm treated by other people (they are the ones stuck in their own mental prison and have yet to taste the freedom of lightness, I'm looking at you Sisyphus). 

I get to live my life free from the emotional weight of carrying deadening relationships. 

I mostly just want to be free from trying to figure out what it all means.

I just have these moments of clarity in bed sometimes. I want to exist in those moments more. I want to say happy, but it's not that. I just feel free. 

Some thoughts from last night:

- Release from long-term planning

- Release from trying to plan for and predict long-term outcomes

- Release from having to mentally prep for long-term outcomes

- I live now. It's still day to day for me, mostly moment to moment

- I just can't plan vacations long in advance, it doesn't fit my day to day existence; that's just not my reality; so I pay a psychological convenience fee just to exist

- Even the trip that might happen on Wed; by Saturday night I started to dread it and I only just booked it Saturday a.m.; that's just my reality

- The moments of freedom are so exhilarating; I feel like I have total control over my life and its outcome; how do I make them last longer? 

- I want to be free from all these ideals about dating (and other things)...

    - my worth is not in my private parts

    - my power is not something to claim and reclaim; it's not something that has anything to do with other people; is it even a thing outside of social media and pop culture? it's not something anyone can exert over me or steal from me; if i deny its existence, then what game are we even playing? 

    - does life actually need to be this hard or complex?

    - can I live my life as though we are still in a paradise wonderland? i eat the fruit that's provided and hang out with the human in closest proximity. when i don't want that fruit or that human anymore, i just move on to the next clearing. i don't worry about the fruit i left behind or the one that's forbidden; just keep heading to the next clearing; the forest goes on forever...does life need to be much more complicated than this?

   -  i have been focused so much on trying to achieve predictable outcomes and longstanding outcomes (to feel safe and secure) but have I reached the end of that journey?

In this moment, I feel free. 

So the trip to Seattle doesn't work out. Oh well.

So the trip to Seattle DOES work out. Maybe I take a few more. Maybe.

Today I get to eat a bacon and egg biscuit and watch TV.