I have so much to catch you up on, friend!
Well, I made it to Seattle, after 2+ weeks of mental distress. I'm here!!!
I survived one whole day so to me the trip is a success. Haha. Low bar, my friend, low bar.
I think I do better with life living with my secrets. Whether it's because it's just what I'm used to or not, I feel dread having to report into or be responsible for other people.
Maybe I do best with ala carte friendships. Or maybe that's my history/trauma talking.
Who knows. But these long term plans and goals and outcomes just don't stick anymore.
I just feel so detached from the future. Like I'm barreling down the road to the end of my life but yet watching it in slow-mo at the same time.
I'm at a weird place in life.
Do I continue this steady march to death or do I restart my life?
I didn't realize this trip was going to be the lynch pin for all that but it's slowly evolving into that.
There has always been a part of me that wondered about the other road - the road you didn't take for one reason or another. That's definitely a big part of this Seattle trip - what my life would have looked like as a single girl in the city with a good paying job and a full social calendar.
Recreating the experience at 38 is interesting.
I'm all over the place.
I think part of why I don't tell committee members what I'm up to stems from a few reasons - fear of jinxing outcomes (fact or fiction? Idk); there is the phenomenon of thinking you've accomplished the thing by the mere act of sharing it; and just this level of emotional responsibility to other people.
Having lived my life solo for so long, it hasn't been as easy to welcome other people into it even though my mouth says that's what it wants. Once that pressure of maintaining a relationship creeps in, I want to back all the way out! (I probably should keep that in mind when I'm the person it's happening to!)
Anyway, Weekend 1 in Seattle.
I landed late Thursday night.
The flight - I left NC at 2p-ish. I successfully got on the stand-by earlier flight that was supposed to get me into Seattle around 7:30p (vs 9:30p). I had a low level of confidence that my checked-in bag would arrive with me. I was correct, but fortunately my earlier flight was delayed and landed only about 30 minutes before the later flight. I cried a little (only 1 or 2 tears) because baggage claim was confusing and I thought my bag had gotten lost. Luckily, it arrived! Enough said.
So glad I'd mentally prepared to pay the $50 to Uber vs trying to maneuver two pieces of luggage on a train and walk in the dark. Money well spent! I made a good decision again when Uber tempted me with a cab ride for $36. I fell for the click-bait but there were no cars. After navigating the airport to the shared-ride/taxi area, I even opened my mouth and asked what the fare would be. When he quoted me $46, I declined and went with Uber. I've taken a few taxi rides in my day to know that the fare is not guaranteed. Thanks, Brain, good decision making in a short amount of time.
My Uber ride was pleasant enough. I got to my destination safely. Minor hiccup getting into the building but got checked-in successfully.
The room was virtually scent free and in the haze of late night was clean enough that I felt comfortable right away. I laid down quickly putting off tomorrow's worries for tomorrow. I didn't fall asleep quickly but it was more mental than my surroundings which I was thankful for.
This is a little TMI, but I felt comfortable enough spraying the toilet seat with cleanser they had and just deciding that I wasn't going to hover for a month. So I sat down on the seat with no TP liner. Yep. I sprayed the shower really just for show because I didn't scrub it or wipe it down and showered with my barefeet (no shower shoes).
Although I didn't want to, I unpacked and used the drawers and closet.
The setup is actually pretty sweet. Reminds me of my first studio. Except I'm in a big city!
Luckily, they had dish detergent pods and liquid soap and w/d pods! Yay. I'm glad I brought an extra paper towel and TP roll. I should have enough to last me the month.
There were no hangers so I'm glad the new dresses I bought from Walmart still had their hangers. Win! I was able to hang those up. There's a steamer in the closet. I've never used one but we shall see how motivated I am.
Remember the 2 boys from my last Seattle trip. Well they have all but fallen off the radar. The Iranian re-surfaced after seeing me on Hinge and I got WAY excited. He emailed and messaged me on the app Tuesday. He literally said I'd be happy to see you anywhere. And then I email him Friday morning and nothing!!! I matched him on the app in hopes it would alert his phone (just in case for some reason he didn't get my email and still nothing). I really don't know what to make of it.
It just got me curious. I secured no dates for Friday and someone unmatched me because I didn't want to meet in Tukwila. This is after matching with me twice! Another guy unmatched me because I was asking him if he lived in Iowa. He said he only wanted to date local girls. It was all very weird. No offense, but in my eyes I was the catch. I mean, I rarely match with 10s so these guys aren't really pulling in a lot of women if their looks are anything to go by.
Stu was especially weird. I think there was a time that the weird dating questions were amusing, but now it's like what are you doing. Is there a medium between 'hey' and 'what did you want to be as a child?' This is what I feared by being on the app too long - you become jaded by the experience. Yep, I have reached that point.
Other things (this is already getting to be too long of a post):
- I realized verbalizing my 3 date/week goal to a committee member made it seem real, and I lost track of what I was trying to do. I think I was more just trying to be open to saying yes than actually hunting people down to take me on dates - which is what ended up happening yesterday. Goals in dating just make me go into overdrive. So today is a new day. While I've lessened my standards, it's more about taking away the hoops then just going out with anyone and aggressively pursuing people - which I felt I was doing a lot of. I was feeling negative feelings doing this and that took the fun out of it.
- So I'm stepping back a bit from that friend. I overshot what I intended to get out of the relationship. My most basic need from her was to just have someone to say, hey I'm going out with this stranger- here's a lead in case I turn up missing.
It seemed important, but now I don't care that much. There is something romantic about existing in this world untethered to anyone. Like I could just disappear into the ether and it remain a mystery.
So I'm allowing myself a day or even this weekend to recalibrate. I came on too strong.
I took myself out to sushi and it was tasty. So that's a date. Let's not forget the real challenge to myself was just getting out of the house 3 days a week. If they also happen to be dates, then so be it. Unfortunately for me, I seem to have entered a path of continuous recalibration. Way less fun.
One purchase I'm not that jazzed about - I paid for a gel polish. With tip, it was about $30. I looked at it afterwards and I was like this was definitely not worth it. It added no real value and didn't really hype me up.
Given how it doesn't look good for my summer romance, I guess I'm glad I didn't spring for the lashes. That I felt went better with like straight flowing hair then this half-baked hairstyle I have going on.
So yeah. I'm feeling glad that I took this trip because I think the outcome will likely be a bit underwhelming given the Iranian has turned out to me another dumb boy. It's like the time I went back to Duke after having to leave and realized I missed nothing (or maybe it just feels that way now).
I'm glad I'll know that my life trajectory is pretty much set. There is comfort in that.
I was reading the Money Diaries series on Refinery29 and realized how much different my life is than some of my fellow Americans. I am definitely not intentional about fitness or what I put into my body. I mostly eat to get me to the next time point. Or maybe that's a factor of living in cities where things are just trendier. I promise you if I talked about chia seeds with my softball team, they would not know what I was talking about.
So even if it feel like I didn't choose this (hood-adjacent) life, I think my subconscious led me here because it's where I belong. It was never a part of any dream I remember, but it's very much my reality. I will have to look forward to what happens next.
Also, I still can't figure out how say...how someone on a $138k salary, is netting $4k+ each paycheck and contributes about $800/paycheck to a 401k. My last paycheck was like $2100 and that's with frontloading my 401k at the beginning of the year. What was I doing... like 20% post-tax. Anyway, I still don't know why my paychecks don't feel very high compared to what my annual income is.
And boy these young kids are really pulling in high salaries!
I was struggling when I was 26, def not with a 6 figure net-worth or a high salary. Wow, good life choice going back to school, MERJ. Good life choice!
What else, I just feel like this has been the biggest mental dump and it's only been a day.
I feel happy somehow. Like, I feel informed and assured. I'm glad I came. It's been enlightening and it's only been a day.
Even when I was reading a project manager's job diary and they have a pretty light workload, I realized my appetite for more work is small.
I like the idea of working 2 remote jobs for amusement, but when I think about my 5 year professional development plan, I haven't found what exactly that would look like. I don't want my boss's job. I don't want more meetings or more projects.
I don't want to be CEO, and I think at one point I did. I thought I wanted to climb the corporate ladder but somewhere along the way I ran out of steam.
Maybe I thought I had to without any other obligations- like family or hobbies.
So again, I'm the lone wolf. The only one I know who would retire early with no family obligations or desires (even more time with mamas count).
I don't want to holdfast to the idea and close myself open to other possibilities, but that seems to be the path I'm on.
I don't think the fear of one more year is upon me. I think once I feel comfortable with my nest egg and my yearly expenses, I'll be able to consider early retirement as a next step.
I actually fear the opposite, how can I put off taking on more responsibility at work! Terrible right.
Oh, one snafoo. And old $5k medical bill caught up with me. I'm actually okay with the timing. I'm hoping I can stave them off for another 12 months with small payments and then pay it all off next year. I don't know if it's worth fighting or not. We shall see.
Even the yacht trip that I was so excited about has fallen off the mental radar.
Now it's almost exciting to stand outside my body at these ridiculous emotional roller coasters.
I am having to distance myself from these dates and dating apps. I'll wear the new dresses and try to look presentable, but it's the same outcome as I had in NC. The mere fact of me joining the app doesn't translate to suitable matches. Oh well!
So let's see. I have no plans today and a date tomorrow with an old guy. Meh. So much for dating dudes in their 30s. Have I even matched with any?
