I'm feeling lots of feelings

 I'd crafted so many blog posts in my head over the last few days. None made it to a draft.

Work

It's my second to last weekend of churning. I know bonuses have already been decided and presumably locked in place. I noticed my boss hasn't scheduled a 1:1 to discuss the amounts, so I'm curious how that will go. Maybe there isn't a talk?

I'd scheduled a virtual birthday lunch the Wednesday before our birthday but now I want to cancel it.  Just mentally I've been preparing to be disappointed. Also I'm afraid of the silence and what I might say.  I know it'll be fine (financially) but I think I've just put so much weight on this Bonus. Not the amount so much because there's nothing I'm counting on the money to buy, but more what it means. It's a measure of my value - which because it's tied to how much she "likes me" is a measure of what I'm worth to her. Do I still matter? Does anyone still love me? 

Yes, you can say the wild things in your mind to strangers on the internet because people in  real life would look at me strangely if they knew I thought these things. 

But the thing is - do I still love her?

I do. She's such a wonder to watch work. She's a great leader and role model and really cares about the business. I think what's different is I don't know that I want to be that. 

Plus other things have changed. With the 3 of the 6 programs I was hired to manage ending. What really is left for me to do?

I don't want to feel like I'm on a yearlong interview while they find a way to repurpose my role. I'll take the next lifeboat, please, thanks. 

How do I get to the level of confidence of  My Buddy. I just feel if some newcomer came with more education and more relevant experience, I would be jealous. I'm jealous now of people that get My Boss' attention or praise. I guess some people really are just secure within themselves. 

How do I get to that place?

The thought of going through another year of job applications is daunting and defeating. It makes me not even want to try. I'm not getting very far internally. This is what I've feared - what marketable skill have I really gained in the last 8 months. 

It makes me just want to ride this leaky boat to the end.  I know mentally I won't be able to relax but what is the alternative. It's not as though just because I apply, I'm going to get hired.  As always my best laid plans are confetti for the Devil's party.

Are the fact that the programs are ending the sign I was hoping for? Did I pray for this? 

Ok, so my job is tenuous - what do I do? Either way I'm waiting a year in an anxious state - anxiously applying and anxiously waiting for the axe to drop at this job. 

I feel my body in this hyper alert state and it can't be good for me. I feel stuck in an immune response. 

That's why the Bonus Day is important. I want to have a day to give myself permission to turn off. No more churning. I can't make the programs come back and I can't make an external employer hire me. I'll have to make some new plans on how I want to approach my exit but it's about to be my birthday month and I refuse to feel anything bad. 

I'm tired and I'm out of steam. Yesterday was Friday and after my last meeting ended at 3p, I just went to the room and it was difficult to muster even the few checks I did on the iPad for anything important. I turned the computer completely off and didn't turn it back on again until today. 

So much running around mentally to get nowhere. March will be my calibration month.  I'm only churning until the 15th so she can think it's because of the Basic Bonus when really I've been checked out for a while now- well a lot of it has to do with the realization that the Bonus was not reflective of huge efforts just of  sub-par work.  Then a couple moment of minor friction (that I magnified in my head). 

Plus more and more I see eventually stuff gets done or it doesn't matter if it gets done or not. People still keep their jobs and the machine keeps on machining.  Every idea I've had, someone else already had, if I'm honest. 

Oh the latest thing I think I might be getting set-up for is to carve my own role out of My Buddy's role. But I will not bite unless really, really pushed. I want her to restructure my role with her own mouth not try to create buy-in by leading me to it.

I wish I had more power over job outcomes.

Ugh, just looking at the listings the other day - it was literally all the jobs I've applied for at one time or another. 

What do I do?? 

Make no sudden movements until April? I like that plan. I'm just so tired of the mental load and the guessing and the re-programming. I think I just need to let it seep in and do nothing for awhile. I don't want to be emotionally responsible for anyone or anything including myself. 

I'm taking a mental 30 day cleanse to do as little as possible and say as little as possible. To guess and feel as little as possible. 

How Today Might Look Different After Bonus Day

 As you know, the next big expected inflection point in my work life is Bonus Day. Originally, I was going to use it as a measure to understand how my value as an employee is perceived by my boss. You see I work in a soft-skills focused job, so how well I do is really a factor of how well I get along with my boss. Thus, I was using Bonus Day to gauge that beyond her very enthusiastic words. 

But at this point it's just an arbitrary date. I mostly just want her to be able to point to a time when she noticed a change. I can only craft a one-sided narrative you know. She may not even notice, but this is what I thought I could do. The date is arbitrary at this point because I believe bonus rewards are already locked in. Additionally, last Friday I sort of had a better understanding that I remain on the outside of a tight knit circle my boss has with My Buddy. And my boss already mentioned that pretty much everyone gets the Target Bonus unless you're seriously underperforming. 

I carry on nonetheless. 

After Bonus Day, here's how today might have been different.

1) The meeting that ran over past 5p- I would have said, sorry, I have to drop!

2) The emails I responded to after 5p -  I would have left for the next day

3) The highlights I proactively provide for data heavy excel sheets - I'm thinking of stopping and seeing if she notices/asks for it. 

4) All the background work I did to understand and respond to an email - I would have phoned it in; did a once over and responded to the most salient features that I already knew

5) Not asked a couple of the questions I did today.

Some things I already did without trying

1) Did not try to say much in one of the call guide meetings. It's really not supposed to be my responsibility. 

2) Not respond or pay too much attention to a groupwork process. (I really would've preferred to be the process owner to this and about 4 other things so I can just give the directive vs weeks of conversation and revisions)

3) I shared my calendar with My Buddy (I mean I'm just preparing for her upcoming promotion where she will likely outrank me!!)

I'm feeling pretty salty that I'm likely underpaid in my band. At first I thought it was a lot of money to not do that much work (it is), but there's no reason why I can't be paid as much as everyone else to not do work. Just saying. 

Day 1 of Not Caring

 Ugh! I had so many great thoughts but they have all dissipated 1 hour into the work week. 

For whatever reason, the thing my Brain wanted to focus on this weekend was salaries and promotions. 

I made up the salary spreadsheet and had wild ideas of combating wage parity that way. I really wanted some confirmation that what I believed was true - My Buddy was making more than me and so were the the other project managers in our department. 

But this morning, I realized this is not aligned with my... 

Question Nothing

Accept all of it

Love everything!

Mantra.

I literally planned to put in either our group chat or individual chat..When do you think you're going to be promoted to Associate Director - spring or end of year? 

But I have settled wayyyyyyyyyyy down!

Part of me still wants to know what the other managers are making, but My Buddy can't be my target. 

I did my best not to ask questions but in the 9a meeting I did question some random work that we've tasked ourselves with but no one is questioning. As expected, my question did not lead to a different outcome. The more aware I am of this I think it will help me to temper my feelings. 

Actually reading some other FIRE blogs helps me manage my feelings. I like hearing how other people navigate their world.

It was helpful to read blackfireblog to be reminded that other people's success don't take away from my own (that is still a hard pill to swallow for me but working on it); so I have to just let My Buddy ride her success train and wave her on.  

It's just nice to read about other people just airing their grievances with work. I like reading about people reaching their milestones. And oh the numbers! I'm so grateful that A Purple Life and Root of Good posted their numbers because it gives me so much perspective! 

And reading the case study on Frugalwoods about the reader in LA who just expressed she was never a dream job kind of girl. My thoughts exactly! The goal was never the fancy title for me, it was just financial stability and when I learned of it - early retirement.  The fancy title and bigger salary just became side tracks to financial stability. I've never been one of those people who understood people who were proud to say they've been working since they were 13. What? Why?! 

I just never knew Early Retirement was a concept to pursue. But I'm so glad I did!

So it was good to get realigned by reading the stories of strangers on the internet. 

As I'm half-listening to our big team meeting, I realize there's not much about the role that interests me anymore. I might be over-correcting.  I am. But it was good to read all the internet stories this weekend and just be reminded of what my baseline goals are. 

8 Things Hoped For

 I realize I stay in the shadows of hope. I don't dare to dream - not anymore. But maybe I'm a little high right now. About 3 times a year, I experience these bouts of unwavering hope.  I feel that literally anything is possible despite all evidence to the contrary. I am having one of those moments right now. I'm just so happy and hopeful. Okay, maybe not so happy and maybe not the full moment.

Regardless, last night I wondered what my life could look like if things turned out the way I wanted. Mind you this is very much a realistic list - no big dreams. Not at my age, not with the life-luck I've had. 

WHAT GOOD LOOKS LIKE... possibly.. in my life.. 

#1 Get the PRA / Clinical Writer role with my current employer after Bonus Day and by Jun 2021

#2 Get an offer of $165k/yr (base) +  > 20% bonus target (I actually don't even know what a good ask is for this)

#3 Get to stay Work-from-home

#4 The role I get is a great fit! Which looks like (but not limited to):

 - good flow (matches my skill set perfectly)

- "clinic hours" (i.e. 8 hours/day or less)

- I'm a top performer with minimal effort and frustration

- no more groupwork (A Purple Life said it best here Jobs Suck Because they're Never Ending Groupwork)

- minimal creative storytelling required (i.e. I can tell the truth without anxiety and other people are able to tell me the truth without coded language)

- minimal conversational meetings (you know the ones where the work is the "conversation")

#5 One to three healthy friendships (right now the people I talk to regularly just happen to be the only ones that answer the phone)

#6 Active in Science Olympiad/Odyssey of the Mind and other service-related community service organizations (MedCorp or Red Cross)

#7 I reach $500k in savings/investment in 2 years or less

#8 I love the new role and work-life so much that after reaching $500k in 2 years or less, I stay for another 3 years to reach 1 million dollars!

#goals

That feels kind of thrilling to read and write.

How much you want to bet when Monday 9a rolls around at least 3 things happen to threaten either these hopes or my emotional state???

Could I be a millionaire in 5 years?

 So do you know I've been sitting at this computer for the last 4 hours doing absolutely nothing! I logged on to write the last post and just kept sitting. I'm here 5 days a week and for the last 3 months I've been using weekends to do my de facto part-time job of updating our Knowledge database.  So I guess I just got used to it?

I literally just opened some Powerpoints I made recently and just looked at them and felt proud of myself. Weird right? 

I have at least a month of dirty dishes downstairs that remain undone. 

But I'm just sitting here letting my thoughts wander.

As I'm wont to do in these silent moments, I try to calculate my way to freedom. 

Last time, I recalculated my COVID 2021 Spending and Savings Targets. That was fun! Just to dream a little. 

The calculating helps me to cope - sometimes. 

In this hopeful calculation, I looked again at how much I could hope to earn this year, 2021.

Base: $120,000

401k match (6%): $7200

Basic Bonus (22.5% (w/multiplier) for the half year I worked in 2020): $13,230

Total 2021 compensation potential: $140k/yr (if I stay, i.e. this is some pretty good motivation to stay and smack a smile on my face!!)

Estimate 25% for taxes, leaves: $105k potential net pay

If I do just a regular $30k for expenses, that leaves potentially $75k for savings this year. Wait, I forgot about my COVID year! Dare I?!! If I only spend $15k this year  that leaves $90k potential savings!!! That's insane!!

And next year if I get the full bonus for working all of 2021, I could potentially net $111k for the year!! Bananas!

And of course I had to plug it into the investor.gov calculator... 

Voila!

Starting with $300k; monthly contribution $5833/mon (or $70k/yr), at 10% interest rate. 

I can't even think five years. I'm just trying to make it to two years with my head down. 

Okay, finally made the decision to order some Thai food! Actually I've been trying to since New Year's but Uber Eats app get malfunctioning. Yay, I'm leaving the house! And I actually need to go to the bank too! Win!

It feels good to give up

 This morning I woke up quite smelly. I mean everything smells. I walked back into the office and I could smell I had just been there. My white bedsheets have become a familiar shade of brown. My robe that I wear morning, noon, and night smells like all aspects of human life. My pajamas that I've been wearing since the weather first hit freezing are crusted in many places and the stench is overpowering. 

I felt immediately motivated to go to the laundromat, discount prices be gone. You see I'd been waiting for the double your money sale to take my next load of laundry in. Why pay full price, right? But then I was like - I mean I've been wearing the same clothes for weeks now, so maybe I just wash my sheets. That was my plan.

I brought out my planner that held the prices. I could probably wash my sheets and blankets and this stinky robe for $5.50. I got up and looked at the weather. It's 32*F. Boo. 

I still thought oh well, just put on your sweat suit and carry on. The sun is shining so it looks deceptively warm. I actually have 2 sets of brand new sheets that I haven't used because I was thinking best practice is to wash them first. I proceeded to unbox the first set. It just looked so clean, and I figured the biggest threat is bed bugs. I didn't see any, and I'm pretty sure they're visible to the human eye. So after a few minutes of consternation, I made up my bed with the new sheets. 

My robe is still stinky but the sheets were my primary concern because they were turning brown. So that happened. 

Then I thought of taking a day off to do a full day of volunteering for the vaccine clinics. Then I thought wait, aren't we not supposed to be in crowds? So that gave me pause. I really just wanted to take a day off and distance myself from the crazy. 

Oh, the other thing I wanted to mention is that goals are amazing. I love goals. I really love goals and structure and framework. It's just nice to have something to guide your decisions. That's the appeal of religion for me. I don't thrive in chaos. So, in my laundry dilemma, the thought of looking again for a washer/dryer didn't even occur to me because not too long ago I decided to just accept COVID and quit fighting it. And based on that, I could revise my budget to just focus on regular expenses. 

I didn't have to plan for big optional expenses.  This year just wasn't the year. So in that same notebook that held the laundromat prices I went ahead and calculated that I'll need $80 on my washcard to do laundry for a year. That sure beats $2k for a washer/dryer.  Goals!

Same with trying to do my taxes. It's hurting my soul to pay $27 to activate my phone just to receive one SMS text from Credit Karma to log-in to my account. So that motivated me to finally make some moves to switch internet companies to free up some extra dollars. I did it one month early, so that's an extra $15 I can put toward that $27. 

Back to work talk. Oh for Lent, I think I'd like to stop talking about work to other people. The blog will need to be my outlet. I acknowledge I won't be able to quit cold turkey easily. But that's okay. I think until I figure out what I want to do I shouldn't be locking myself into any public declarations. 

So I know I keep going over all the things I want to change when I get my basic (but still good) Bonus.  My boss again said My Layoff Plan was something she'd like us to move towards by the end of the year regardless of if the program ends or not. Cool. Then during a screen share, I saw My Buddy had one of the contracts I manage on her screen. For what reason? 

In the beginning, in a misguided attempt to challenge myself, I wanted to break their bond and rise to the top of my boss's attention. It was THEIR call center, and I thought if I could just be good enough, I could break into the inner circle. Stupid girl! Don't you know by now, you'll always be an interloper. 

I couldn't break in. It still brings me to tears, but wait this isn't that story.  This is my victory lap story. 

Woosa!

After I get my Basic Bonus, I'm just going to fall in line. Honestly, that part of it is already so juicy, I've already started letting go of my desire to stand out. There's just so many things I wanted to be better. But the battle is bigger than me. And ultimately when I've tried, I just didn't get anywhere. Like 100 attempts to only get 2 or 3. Those are fool's errands. It just hurts because I know when the next person gets rewarded for doing something I wanted to do or saw needed doing, I'm going to feel extremely butt hurt and jealous. I'm going to be even more jealous if it was an idea I had or already attempted but didn't get very far. That will be the hardest part. But I have to remind myself of the rate of return so far on my efforts. 

And actually, you know that deck that kept me up at least one night, I ended up forgetting to think about it some more and just let My Buddy speak on her basic deck. Nothing bad happened, but as I thought the things I thought would have enhanced it, would have. But I let the audience ask for it, then just sent out the revision later. So, I mean maybe it won't all be bad. Ugh, makes me sick.  But really, basic or updated deck - these are not life-altering business decisions. 

Anyway I just need to accept, I'm not some great explorer. There is no new world to be discovered. I don't have any ground-breaking ideas. The work will get done eventually by someone. And that person may or may not get the glory.

But it'll be great to try to stick to an 8 hour day. It'll be great to not have to worry about being amazing.  With the pressure lifted, I feel free? But I can't discount the little bit of disappointment that this wasn't the thing I was going to be better at than everybody else. 

Oh the other thing I figured out about work - the reason I'm always so confused is because people aren't telling the truth! There's a lot of creative storytelling going on. 

Mediocrity is my least favorite flavor, but for up to $148k/yr in compensation, I can love it! 

Those Tears Are Just Pride Leaving the Body

 Yep, there were tears and snot at least an hour or so ago now. 

But I am actually proud of myself for not having a melt-down, yelling, being challenging or questioning or anything but pleasant with my boss. I didn't question anything, I was agreeable in the last 30-minute 1:1 with my boss.

There was a time I would so look forward to those meetings with her. When she rescheduled this one, I didn't feel that feeling. 

It was after another frustrating training session (that everyone loved!), so I made sure to cry beforehand. I'd even wanted to add that I'd talked to her compadre to score brownie points, but she'd ask why and I didn't think I'd be able to keep my composure. I still want to score brownie points, so I want to try to find a way to casually mention that My Buddy gave me some great advice last week just with ....with what though? The conversation circled around my boss. I humbled myself and asked for tips to stay on her good side.

I knew it would endear me to My Buddy and give her some power back (not that I had any of hers to begin with), but just to keep her at bay somewhat.  But I was definitely secretly fighting to come out the victor in the fight for my boss's praise and attention. Scary, right. 

I give up. Theirs is a bond that can't be broken. 

And everyone loves my boss, even when I'm silently stewing and frustrated. So then I feel crazy. And everyone loves each other and is so nice to each other and I just find myself frustrated and annoyed most of the time. What does it mean when they secretly talk about each other in side conversations? Is the day really a new day for everyone else and I'm the only one stuck in a Groundhog's day movie that won't end?! 

So then I feel like the cranky ogre in the corner who literally cries herself to sleep. I felt once again like that moody girl who was passed over for a promotion at call center 1 in favor of an upbeat blonde girl.  So I had a good cry about that. 

But I just let My Buddy remediate me and I was secretly stewing the whole time. The beauty of virtual chat. You can be as happy as you want.  I'm just letting go of the strife of getting to the top of the list. 

I am happiest when I'm excelling and achieving. I like being better, if not the best. I like having the best idea. Not just the fake good idea because your boss is trying to highlight every little thing you do that has little to no impact. 

It's like the last leg of a race that won't end. I'm just tired. 

I can't wait until Bonus Day so I can officially stop churning. I can't wait to work regular hours and not have to try so hard. I can't wait to get away with not having to speak up or the pressure to have the best idea in the room. I can't wait to not feel the need to question everything or have the desire to make an impact. I can't wait to let the small things and big things go. I can't wait to be told to do something before I do it. I can't wait to not have to find a way to take the initiative. I can't wait to not have to feel like I can make a process improvement or prove my worth. I can't wait to take a backseat and not have to prove that you made a good decision to hire me. I can't wait to do the most basic requirement of any ask, 3 days after it's asked for. 

I can't wait to keep "clinic hours." I can't wait to unburden myself of trying to make some big, huge impact. I can't wait to phone it in. I did it for my aunt, I can do it for these people. 

Before I continue to rant, 2 things good happened today. 

The Med Comm/Med Writer internal position I had approached the hiring manager about was followed-up on again today. One of the people on the email scheduled time with me next week. That felt good. Based on the recruiter, I already know I may not meet all the requirements. So this was just an exercise to try to feel some semblance of control or to do an overt act to show myself that I am distancing myself from this current role. 

The other good thing - for awhile I've been trying to write a story to memorialize my aunt's death. I wanted to write a long essay for Modern Love but couldn't find the words. After my cry, I just submitted a Tiny Love Story to the New York Times.  I feel good about that. Luckily, they don't get back to you, I presume, if they don't accept you. So I just put it in a bubble and let it go. 

Today was just doing all the things that were unnatural. Just be agreeable. I mean what great idea have I actually had that's made any real impact? I've automated some admin tasks. 

But my task-monkey days are over. 

I mean they're not, but you know. 

I really want us to have process owners so that someone is responsible for all these misses. Maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't. I'm not trying anymore. What's the point? It's a battle I can't win. I didn't get very far with the Knowledge Articles or trying to figure out Training.  

When My Buddy said her putting me on the spot in a presentation was her trying to develop me - I knew it was over. I made the right decision. We're the same level - you shouldn't be trying to develop me. So, now I need development? Wow. 

It occurred to me, this whole time I was thinking I might make more than her. But now I'm convinced she makes more than me and also knows how much I make. I so wanted to ask her in the spirit of camaraderie if we made the same as the other managers on the other team. I think I vacillated between her knowing how much I made because she was part of the hiring process and me making more than her. But there's no way I make more than her. This is my boss' right hand man.  

It also occurred to me that she too got a promotion after 2 years - ish. She said April 2021 makes 3 years. So if she started April 2018, and they took over the call center late 2019, that's less than 2 years. 

It's funny because I thought she would be threatened by me. Pshaw. Not one stitch. She is sitting pretty. 

Some dramatic things happened yesterday

 Well at this point you know my life is a never ending episode of corporate trope. 

So since Day 1,  my boss confessed her undying admiration for Thing 1 and Thing 2. Well yesterday was the first I'd heard her say she was quite annoyed and irritated with Thing 1. Wowzers! I don't know what happened there but she was very expressive in her annoyance and irritation and how she doesn't say something like that often. Yikes! She mentioned his tone which when I first started Thing 1 seemed like he could do no wrong.

So that made me think... hmmm...what about lowly me who is not quite at the level of Thing 1 - what nasty things are yet to be said about me if not already?!

Yikes! 

Then there was a dramatic meeting around 3p where it seemed like someone was getting in trouble but I wasn't quite sure who but I knew my boss was involved somehow. But there was so much storytelling going on that I left confused. 

As the saying goes, my boss has been in rare form these days. And since I'd already deciphered that my performance is a direct perception of my relationship with her this just made me feel even more uneasy than before. And with Thing 1 falling from grace, I'm not feeling good. I mean I'm sure once the morning comes, it'll be a thing of the past, but still! 

For full context, Thing 1 was promoted a couple months ago, so obviously his behavior is acceptable. I don't think he has anything to worry about. And he's a whitish man, so he also is confident enough to believe he has nothing to worry about. Easily forgiven. 

I got my first rejection via email yesterday for a job I just applied to a few days ago. It was one I'd interviewed for in my year(s) of actively interviewing. Whoops, too soon I guess!

Then a couple days ago, I'd messaged an internal hiring manager and wasn't sure he'd respond. Then he responded and said he was in a development role and copied the recruiter who I had already contacted along with 2 of his colleagues. Eek! I was trying to be sneaky on the advice of my Sneaky Friend. Ugh. 

Then this morning one of his colleagues responded! How nice right! 

Well, I was not feeling confident that they'd respond so last night I actually applied for that Promotional Review job I had my eye on. But the opening and closing dates were weird and I was too impatient to wait for morning to ask the recruiter. Whoops. So I don't know if it's a real opening, if there's a candidate they already have in mind, or if it's just a cattle call. 

Well this all seemed much more dramatic in my head! 

Why Can't I Just Be Happy? + Engineering My Layoff

 Why can't I just say I love it! It's great! You did a great job! Whether I mean it or not. I think because I don't want to be responsible for that in the end. I know no one else seems to be held accountable to those types of responses but somehow I know I will be. 

Just prostitute yourself for this company so they can keep paying you this money. What is your problem li'l girl!! 

Ahhhh I can't! Maybe I just need to give myself time to uncover this part of myself. 

So the program I was hired to manage, I'm essentially engineering my own layoff. But not the good way. Today I was tasked with coming up with a proposal of what the program will look like when half of it ends and is restructured into an existing team. Errr. 

The reason this is concerning is when they ousted the last Director they did it in a backhanded way. No, I'm not a director, but it's a data point that they like to do things in a backhanded way. And time and time again my manager has shown she likes for me to guess what the next step is. So these are the moments I reach out to internal recruiters. 

I'm just too tired and out of sorts to do that right now. 

Counting all my chickens and reframing the narrative

 So as you know by now, I spend a lot of weekends with my spreadsheets or my calculator trying to figure out if I can shave just one more minute off the time to leaving the workplace.

And lately with the internal turmoil going on at work, I've been contemplating a new job - either internally or externally. But at what cost? I took this job to get off the phones and to make more money. I try not to remember how much money I make just what my spending targets are. I do this because I have an emotional reaction if I think too much about money. 

When there is conflict at work or I feel insecure about an outcome, I almost always want to leave. When things right themselves again or my manager makes light of a situation I thought was heavy, I feel okay to stay. I imagine it shouldn't be like that but I can't tell what's real and what is distorted perception because my Brain plays tricks on me. 

Either way, I'm pretty target-oriented. So obviously my job isn't so terrible that I would quit without anything lined up. It's not that, and I'm grateful. So I've been trying to set some inflection points and some monetary targets as well.

Informally, I'd thought my next base salary target was $135k and if I really had a fancy title and some quantifiable level of responsibility then $150k.

When I did some casual searches online for jobs, I saw some of my previous positions pop up. Would I really go back to $40/hr (Call Center #1) or $100k annually (Call Center #2)?? When things are not going my way, I certainly romanticized Call Center #2. I mean I babysat the lines enough of the time and it was just as disorganized as this.  And with an 8% bonus, I'd be at $108k/yr. With a 6% 401k match on base, that would put me at up to $114k/yr in total compensation.  

When I compare that to my current base salary of $120k/yr it's no wonder my brain is considering the switch back to regain some sanity. 

I think because I don't readily see the effects of my salary, I tend not to fully appreciate it.  But I also don't want to be beholden to the salary either. 

Anyway this morning, I finally calculated what my total compensation could be if I lasted a whole year. I hate to do this because enough of the time, things just don't work out the way I planned. Case in point, at Call Center #2 they stopped doing the 401k match halfway through the year. So while I may not budget for "extras," my Brain finally decided to calculate what I could potentially be leaving on the table with my next move.  Money is the goal here, so can I muster through whatever the "corporate code" is to get to my FI goals?? 

Well as of 7:41am, the answer was rounded to yes, if I had to. 

Base salary is $120k. Target bonus is 17.5% and company 401k match is 6%.  When I do the math, $120k x 1.235 = $148,200. That's an insane amount of money! It's actually exactly 30% of total compensation from Call Center #2.  I can't believe I've never done the math before. 

So yes if I'm required to keep my head down, don't ruffle any feathers, kiss all the rings, be happy and likeable and even try to memorize a few more processes, I can do that! 

I say that but I know by Monday morning, I'll be wondering if I make more than my other teammates. I really just want to know. Because I want to be greedy and ask for more. I spent a lot of money on my degree, and I want to be compensated for it. I have more experience in this field than my other 3 teammates, and I want to be compensated for it.

I just really want to know. I'm afraid to ask the other manager because if I do make more money than her, than I feel like she'd be salty. I would actually be okay with her making a little more than me. Okay, maybe not, but still. I mostly want to know if the white man who's a level below me is making an amount far less than me. Like ..I want him to not even be in the six figures, but this company tends to start high and when I screened for his role, I asked for the same salary I'm making now. 

I mostly want some guidelines to adjust my effort since this a soft skills game. 

So yes, now I almost feel like the next role needs to start at $150k base salary, especially if I'm looking externally. 

Call Monitoring Done!

 The task I was semi-dreading, ok mostly dreading this week is complete. And here I am still on my computer. I cheated a little and just picked random calls instead of looking for a particular person or type of call. 

I did my minimum 2 calls. Maybe if I were getting a bigger bonus I would do 4, but I have no faith in that. 

I'm on the fence about my job. I put in 2 applications to external places, and I'm still deciding about setting up an informal interview for a job that I'm not quite qualified for. I don't want to jump into another job I can't excel at. Ugh. 

But it is VERY apparent that the perception of how well I'm doing my job is solely based on my relationship with my boss not any actual work product. I don't love how tenuous that is. 

I just hate the fumbling. I don't see myself ever getting to a place where a mistake happens and I don't think I'm on the chopping block. I don't have the level of privilege. It's mostly just a gamble at this point. 

Will any of my actions lead to a hostile work environment or my termination within the next 2 years. Honestly, I think if I can manage to stay under the radar, be agreeable, question nothing, accept everything, I can tread water for the next 2 years. 1 Year of COVID will certainly help. 

Plus, it's not as though just because I apply to a job internally or externally, something will happen. Internally, I probably should wait for a job I'm more of a shoe-in for. But I will still continue to reach out to recruiters. I will probably still apply externally. 

Internally, I do want something more technical and more objective, if I had the choice. 

Side note - I think my buddy has just joined the churn game now that bonus time is near. She's definitely the most responsive she's ever been and is actually producing work product that is visible to our manager. 

What I'm going to do differently

 I don't know if I told you but a colleague mentioned that one of her work colleagues is on the chopping block. That felt like an affirmation for me somehow.

I don't hate my job but it's just not the experience I hoped for. I like my manager alot, obviously, but I need a role with more structure and clearer expectations and guidelines. This is a relationships job and that is not my strong suit and not something that is my default setting. Most people are better at it than me.

As  you'll recall I had a self-perceived emotional outburst early on at this job. That kind of planted the idea that this might not be my forever home, so to speak. I thought it was the grief talking so I sought professional help. That petered out due to logistics. I soldiered on. 

Knowing I had this tarnished reputation where I prefer to be a model employee got the wheels moving of when I should start to make my exit. I approached it casually, but now I'm going to take it more seriously.  I have to make a change - both in my attitude and my prospects. Two outreach attempts to internal recruiters haven't given me much hope. Actually 3 now that I think about it.  I don't think Medical Information will hire me but I might apply in a desperate attempt. That would be a wrong move though, Brain. 

Now that I sit on this some more, I think someone's been talking to my manager about me. It's not like her to call me out. So, now I'm wondering who? Because the comment I made is something I've heard everyone make in one form of another. 

I've never been the problem child but now I'm finding myself in that position without even trying. I can control my actions but it's going to take a lot longer to change myself from the core. So to me the best next step is to change my surroundings - i.e. work. 

Obviously the easiest thing will be to look internally. Man! And I had gotten so hopeful about this year, but who didn't see that coming. I've been around the block more than a few times. Just when you start to see the sun shining... a dark cloud appears. 

Remember all the thoughts I had about Bonus Day. I was hoping I would really knock it out of the park. It was a reach goal for sure, but now I'll be surprised if I even make the bonus target let alone the Multiplier + 30. 

It feels bad.

I'm used to excelling. I'm used to being the Golden Child. And because I'm not and I don't know what I'm doing - I find myself perpetually frustrated and I think that is the root of many of my outbursts and anxiety and frustration. 

Basically my boss said she's been hearing my discontent what feels like every other day. Wow! Call out much. I said, I hear and acknowledge it.  She said, she wanted to understand it. I said, I don't have anything new to say. If asked again, I'll just say it won't happen again. I was thinking it, but I couldn't get the words out without crying. 

In my mental tally, that's strike 2. I wouldn't want to manage me. And it's not her job to manage me emotionally. 

So I'm going to churn as best as I can with a broken heart until Bonus Day, and then make a sharp turn to working 8 hour days until I can find a way out - either at my manager's hand or my own. 

From now until Bonus Day (and beyond), I will question nothing. Suggest nothing. Love everything. Honestly what has my questioning and feedback even gotten me? Definitely not the positive powerful impact I'd hoped for. Everyone else has been here longer than me and the organization has rolled on without my questions or low-impact feedback. All I've gotten is myself in a pickle when I should've been flying under the radar. 

Question nothing. Accept everything. Love everything! 

Ok, onwards!

What should my end of workday ritual be?

 

Today was a mildly uneventful day. I'm not too jazzed about all the utterances I made, but oh well. 

Ate a plateful of chips and have some rice and greens to eat later. 

Then watch TV I suppose.

I know once I log off for the night the thoughts will start racing. 

2 1:1 meetings with manager tomorrow. 

Let me go turn the stove on quickly before I finish this post...

Ok back!

All in all, I feel calm. 

Lost my train of thought but let me walk away from the laptop and they will come racing back.

Oh! I think I will save my next big shopping trip for end of Feb. No good reason other than it's cresting $100 at this point. 

Okay I can't make up anything else to say. So obviously blogging to punctuate the end of the workday shall not be my end of day ritual. That only seems to work in the middle of the night when I'm trying to sleep. 

A Prideful Heart

 I feel like crying. Again. Never ending story with this girl. I've gotten so good at crying in these singular moments I don't even know what I'm crying for. Just to get over this immediate moment immediately, I suppose. 

I'm a bit sleep deprived. My thoughts were churning at 4am this morning. My chatty colleague saw I was online and messaged me. We ended up chatting till 9a. That was funny. I was fine for a few hours but near the end of the day the doldrum of what has become my workday settled back in. 

A lot of it is because I want to be the best. I want to have the game winning or game changing idea. I just want so much to add value. But why?

Because I have nothing else going for me. I just wanted to excel at something again. I don't feel like I'm winning at life. Same old story - I want to matter. I want what I do to matter. I want my life to have mattered. 

It did feel good to have this email I made on a whim get talked about. Ultimately, there will be no action. But I actually thought no one would respond because I have no real perception of my value to the company (hence the big suspense of Bonus Day). But a couple people said they actually looked into it. That was nice! How did I forget that.

And I actually got a small recognition award at work (but so did my whole team). Why does my Brain not emphasize that? How easily that was archived in my inbox. 

And actually, one of my ideas was talked about. Again, not sure there will be any action, but there we have it. It just feels like droplets in the ocean that evaporate before they even get a chance to be a part of the tide. 

And the 4-5 hour conversation was a good distraction. Why am I not focusing on that. 

Actually one thing I want to remember is to use my Recognition points to cash out gift cards for my family overseas. Last year, I'd been desperate to find someone to give it to since I instituted my re-gifting gift cards policy.  I think this will be a good policy. I was starting to feel bad again that I didn't have any friends to give it to, but cashing it out and giving to overseas family is just as good. 

For now, I'll still plan to make my Bank Bonuses target the $1200 for the year to send overseas. But if I don't make it in Bank Bonuses, the Rewards giftcards will have to count. How to track in spreadsheet? I guess just add it as a negative balance and as I send the money over, can add it back in? But that will make my total equal to zero? I don't know. Maybe add it as comments or include it as income since I am technically paying taxes on it. 

But I am also trying to spend $15k this year and I want to track that more exactly. I guess we'll see.  But that was my big announcement. It relieves the pressure of trying to find friends, worrying about not using up the giftcards before the expiration date; and I feel less miserly. Because I wanted to keep that cash! 

I spent $7 on chicken fingers. I don't think that was the price I wanted to pay, but last night when I couldn't sleep, I kept thinking I wanted to fry and eat some chicken tenders. I made a food list in the middle of the night and this afternoon I just went with it in case the craving comes back. 

Oh, other musings about work - the recruiter I reached out to for another role still hasn't responded nor have I been notified she's available. And my boss has taken over 3 meetings I think I should really be leading. It's concerning that she set up that meet and greet with the vendor for the program I'm supposed to be managing. 

Another Wakeful Night

So sometimes putting the thoughts on papers helps get them out of my head. But maybe I'm just addicted to screen time. Once I opened the laptop all my thoughts stopped. Hmm. 

But obviously that's not always the case because the workday is not a great time either.

I wonder if I'm just focusing on these small work problems because I have nothing else going on in my life.

I feel like a ball of nervous - anxious and easily irritated. 

I even called my racist friend - for two reasons. One - to get more practice talking to people I don't like that much. Two- just to try to offload some of my feelings. I don't have many other people to talk to. The 2 other people that take my calls are out leading their best lives. Well, racist friend didn't pick up either even after I pre-empted the conversation by asking when he was free. 

I just need someone stable that I can always call. Turns out it's not him either. But at the time when you call your racist friend, you know you're not in a good place.

I'm hungry. But if I eat something I won't be able to sleep because of acid reflux. Ugh. 

So remember how I was a bit fearful my manager didn't think I was doing my job. Well, fears confirmed. The meeting she scheduled last week was one clue. Then she scheduled another one this week. So I asked if I could meet with those people and check in with her after that. She agreed. I wish she had just asked me how it was coming along but she thought it would be better if she just stepped in. At first I didn't want to think anything of it, but when I'm already concerned that I don't know what my job is and she's stepping into to do it, that's worrying.

The other thing is. She arranged a meeting with the vendor and the staff I'm supposed to be managing. Feels like a takeover. She didn't check-in with me first. 

So I'm feeling like just an overpaid intern or personal assistant. Which is fine but how long will I be able to hold on that role before I'm ousted?  Honestly, I feel like I could get away with it for 2 years. Hehe. From what I can see, our company is quick to just hire someone else or outsource work when it's not getting done rather than mobilizing the people they already hired to do the work. 

If I'm already anxious and sleepless after six months, could I mentally hold on for 2 more years??

Then there's the duplicate work. My buddy created an overview slide deck after I already created an overview slide deck. That was at least 3 hours of work on my part. That's half a workday. And I didn't even realize there was an even better overview deck in our Box folder. 

Fake it till you make it isn't really that great of a strategy for me. Duh. 

Did I mention I'm hungry. 

Actually one of the reasons I wanted to leave the Call Center is that the phone calls were making me anxious as well - not knowing what would be on the other end and the noise of an actual phone call. 

I actually reached out to one of our recruiters. They didn't respond. 

I might reach out to the hiring manager in the morning. 

One of the people we work with actually quit last Thursday I didn't know.  

Anxious, Blessed, and Scared

This was what I woke up 2 hours ago to write but have since forgotten what exactly I wanted to say.

I remember feeling fortunate (or blessed) because I'm at a good place financially. I can choose to live off $15k/yr as a "fun goal." It sounds crazy and entitled - none of the things I feel I am. Well maybe a little crazy. But that's good feeling, so let's take a moment and acknowledge it. I'm choosing to live off $15k to reach an ambitious financial goal. I have the latitude to do so and it feels really good.

And for those hours when I was re-working my plan, I felt hopeful and relaxed about the next steps at work. That was yesterday evening.

I woke up this morning with racing thoughts. Have I done enough at work? Why is my boss still attending meetings with me. A girl who got a new role after me is already managing meetings alone. Am I falling behind? Do other people think I'm not performing at the level I should be? I'm used to excelling. I'm scared I'm under-performing. I'm scared my manager isn't telling me that I should be able to manage these meetings myself. 

She scheduled a meeting to check-in for a project she handed off to me. I think about the person under me and I think he goes to meetings alone for his projects. And they're launches too. Hmm. 

I'm also worried about the immense amount of conversations this job entails. In my mind, I categorize it as a soft skills job. More so than I anticipated. So, yes while I'm trying different strategies to make the next time-horizon for this job manageable, I can't get over this pretty salient feature. 

I thrive in routine and structure. I struggle when the action is the conversation. How do I mitigate that? I think as much as I want to relax in this position, the best case scenario would be a great boss and a more technical or task-oriented position. 

I'm still not sure what level of decision making ability I have. I do enjoy being an individual contributor but I can't think of anything that I'm actually managing on my own. 

Oh and as much as being alone on the weekend makes me want to cry and do work that just makes me more anxious, I don't seem to want to leave the house to do the volunteer work I signed up for either. Ugh. 

If the sky doesn't fall - An Updated COVID Budget

 So every now and then all my ruminating actually works itself into a solution. So we know by now that I sometimes follow the wrong road to the end just to avoid having to make another decision. I am a set-it-and-forget-it extremist. 

I spent the better part of the afternoon just calculating and recalculating FIRE numbers. Just trying to figure out if I can squeeze any more days out of my FIRE timeline. I study A Purple Life's trajectory again and again to see what I can do to replicate her success. 

I couldn't figure out how she so confidently believed she could retire in 2 years after reaching $300k.  One of her posts led me to Mr. 1500's blog. And he essentially doubled his net worth from $500k to nearly a million in 4 years. The thing I learned today is they both did projections based on 8-10% return. I've been using the standard 6%. I still don't know how Purple is able to calculate the exact day, but that's a problem for another day.

Anyway, after clicking around and around, it finally occurred to me that..uhh.. COVID is really happening. Your budget is based on normal life and occurrences. Granted I still did spend $30k last year even though it was COVID, but I also bought a house and sent $5k overseas. 

One of the things Purple wasn't afraid to do was 1) declare her goals publicly. I'm way too unlucky to make my wishes public. The Devil has a strong foothold in my life so I know he will pounce on every dream as he has my whole life. But 2) she's not afraid to account for the best case scenario. She was always just so confident that her numbers would work and that she would get a raise or a bonus. So each time her income increased, she adjusted her numbers. 

I still don't account for that in any of my projections.

I would be afraid to do that because I would be convinced it wouldn't last or happen and if it did, it would get snatched away from me. Case in point - last employer stopped matching 401k contributions part way through the year- good thing I never accounted for that match. 

But to get myself over this latest anxious hump, I dared to dream what it would look like if everything went to plan. AND I'm actually factoring in COVID.   Basically, I'm trying to figure out the best case scenario of investing every extra dollar.  My student loans are officially postponed until Sept. That's an extra $400/ mon. 

Here's a snapshot of the 2021 Budget Projections I posted earlier:

I totally had no plans to do anything with that extra $400 I won't have to spend. At first I took it a little to the left and thought...hmmm can I even adjust my Everyday Expenses to $200 just for food. But I know from past experience, when I get too tight on the budget bad things happen. So that will stay as is. But I do love a good background money challenge.

Housing: $700/mon  = $8400

Everyday Expenses: $400/mon = $4800

Known one time expenses: ~$2,000/yr (car insurance, HOA fees, professional license, etc.)

Total Known for the year: $15,200, I'm just going to round to $15k!

That's half of the $30k I anticipated for the year!!

That's $15k closer to my FIRE goal this year!

My original savings goal was $50k/yr now I can add $15k = $65k/yr!

This is from studying her articles.  I just never thought to go back and account for saved savings and make my goals even more aggressive. I think part of me is scared of my progress. I don't like looking at it too long because I have mixed feelings. In fact let's stop thinking about it and move on to the action plan.

So new spending target: $15k for the year!

New Savings Target: $65k/year

Action Item

- Well first adjust how much I was sending monthly to my checking account for recurring bills. 

- Next I think I'm going to start auto-investing that extra $500/mon in the next day or two. 

I was thinking of increasing my spillover election by $500 directly from my paycheck, but you know I'm too fearful to do that. Just in case something bad happens I'd rather have the extra money have a layover in my savings account before it gets invested. So I'll just add the extra deposit to my individual brokerage account instead.

I am going to be a bit miserly this year, though. I will just use gift cards and service for tithing. I do still want to send money overseas, but we'll see. Might just try to squeeze out $1200 in bank bonuses for that. 

But that extra $15k really should mean I'm investing $1250 extra/mon... but I'm not ready! Maybe I'll sweep the extras at my quarterly check-in, but for now I think I'll just stick to adding an extra $500 to auto-invest.  March will be here soon enough anyway.

So this extra bit of hope actually helped me feel better about my job. Using Purple's success for a brief daydream. I thought how would my life look different if I could FIRE in 2 years?

- Would I stay at my current company? Yes

- Would I actively pursue internal roles? The jury's still out, maybe not with such angst, but I think if I stumbled upon a role that seemed like a really good fit rather than a way out, then I'm leaning closer to Yes.  But active to me was doing things to stand out, making intentional connections, checking in regularly with people that might help me. So maybe more casually. I don't think I'll ever really be able to stop wanting to see how much I can earn and how much I can learn. 

- What to do between now and Bonus Day - churn or coast? I choose Churn. I just want to have this little window of really giving 210% just to see if my boss rewards me for it.

- Find other opportunities to make money throughout the year? Yes! Every few months or so I get an email from a recruiter (from back when I was desperately job seeking), and it occurred to me, I wonder if I could get away with having two remote jobs??? There's an email in my inbox I'm contemplating calling back just to see.  But otherwise, maybe churning more bank bonuses. I've already gotten $800 paid out this year so far. These are all churns that started in 2020 though. I was kind of falling out of the habit. 

- Move? Well, if the hypothesis is that COVID quarantine is at least until Dec 2021, then I would really only need to "commute" for 2022, so the answer is Yes. I would commute 4 states away for the short-term. 

- How to approach work after Bonus Day? Coast and be likeable! The being likeable is both for maximum enjoyment on my part and a back-up plan if things don't go to plan (which for a girl like me is equally likely). 

- What if you never make the big, positive, sustainable impact you hoped for? If I can keep a good attitude about pursuing FIRE so aggressively this year without getting discouraged, that will have to be enough. 

- Do I still ask about getting reimbursed for taking the promotional review class? Yes! I mean as much as I want to fully commit to this new FIRE plan, I know unfortunate things happen to me all the time. So I can't fully relax until I reach my FIRE number. 

To summarize:

- New Spending Target: $15k/yr

- New Savings Target: $65k/yr

- To do: Start auto-investing an additional $500/mon beginning now. 

Other: new attitude and approach to work (after Bonus day and a bit before is okay, I guess) - it's like the difference between broke and being frugal. Room to fail and a soft place to land!

Will I ever be great

 Last weekend I successfully stayed off the computer. All weekend. First time in at least a year. It was the anniversary of my aunt's death. I watched 3 seasons of Devious Maids.

I'm kind of burnt out with all the admin tasks I've tasked myself with at work. I just have so many feelings about work. I don't know how many are real or just disordered thinking. 

I've been praying for six months to make some huge, lasting, sustainable positive impact. My dreams did not come true.  And I'm tired and I'm out of ideas. Maybe I need to stop using prayer as wish or dream fulfillment.

How do you live a mediocre life when you crave so much more? 

I don't have any more energy to give to this job. I want to fly under the radar but then my actions and thoughts betray me. I think ultimately I want to keep going until Bonus Day only because I already made up my mind to churn till then. I don't want any second guessing when this immense feeling of overwhelm passes. 

I woke up this morning around 7a or 8a and decided to wash my hair finally. It was matted and tangled but I attacked it anyway. It's been so long since I've washed my own hair that I forgot what to do. 

It took at least 1.5 hours just to wash the first half. I got the sink all wet, along with the counter, and my clothes. My hand got tired. I had to sit part of the way. Then I was standing. Then first I was leaning over the sink, then I was standing and bending over. It was just a mess. I cried a little. 

I ended up cutting some of the tangles out. Then I pulled aggressively on the rest because it was just taking forever. Lots of hairs were harmed in this tale. It took at least 10 or 20 minutes or at least it felt that way to even get my hair saturated with water. There was so much grime that the water just kept sliding off. 

I was so tired that for the second half I wised up a little. I combed it out first. Then wet it and combed it some more. And this time I just washed it with conditioner. That went a lot faster.  So yes, only half of my hair is clean.  But I made the executive decision to just leave the shampooing to the professionals. 

When I finally went to blow dry it, it was very obvious which side was clean because the blowdryer brush was very dirty after drying the co-washed side.  Then of course I shorted the outlet because I was blowdrying in the bedroom which doesn't have a grounded outlet like the bathroom.

So then I finished blowdrying in the kitchen because that has a grounded outlet. The circuit box is outside and my backdoor is taped up to prevent bugs. It's a whole thing. So after I finished Hairgate 2021, I finally was able to walk around the block of townhomes to get to my backdoor and reset the circuit breaker for the upstairs outlets I tripped.  See why I put off washing my own hair for 6 months!

I've tried watching TV but I just started crying and feeling sorry for myself. And I'm as cold as I predicted I'd be after washing my hair in winter. Where 2 weeks ago I was hanging out in a tee shirt and panties. Because my scalp is still essentially damp, I'm in socks, flannel pjs, three shirts, a robe and a nightcap. 

I'm just stuck with what to do about work. I'm triggered and anxious and floundering. I will focus on finding some work to output but the remaining tasks I can think of are so daunting. My immediate goal I guess is to churn out some work product this weekend to land in my manager's box before Monday. 

I wish I knew for sure that my investment returns would resemble some of the bloggers I follow. If that were the case, I'd be done saving in 2 years. It would make this last hustle much more manageable. 

But I think a more realistic outcome is 4 years at 6% interest. 

If I had 2 more years left, I think I would still churn till Bonus Day, but I would feel better about coasting until the end. Because it just feels like the impact of any decision would not be long withstanding. 

It's just harder for me I think than other people I work with because I don't have anything else going for me. This is the only thing I have to focus on. So mistakes - big or small- are always life-altering! Everything ruminates and ruminates. I don't have any friends and I don't interact much with my family. 

I forgot to be happy

 All my hardwork might be for nothing. So devastating! But that's how I feel right now. I'm running close to E at this point churning work product to get the maximum bonus (Multiplier + 30). Based on the limited data I have, this was already sort of a long shot.

Then today I did the thing I told myself not to do. I let my frustration spill over into a conversation with my manager. And the thing is, I'd actually moved past it. Maybe I'd even shelved it for after bonus time. Now that our Big Project has been pushed to mid-May, maybe I started to unravel a bit? I don't know.

Basically after several conversations with my teammates and a few emails, I thought I knew what to do to push a product training through to our vendor. I was wrong. One of the managers at the vendor called and was like ugh, no. That's not how we do it. Grrr. 

I already have some light feelings that I'm being set-up by my teammates. Now this. I already had a plan to try to start looking for a new position at the end of March, now this. 

I'd already identified that complaining about our team, our process, my teammates didn't usually end well. Now this. 

To make matters worse I even expressed that it makes us look bad in front of our vendor and maybe it skews their perception of our ability to lead them. My manager disagrees. Not a good sign. And now I fear I've also put that idea in her head. 

Don't go to her with problems, I told myself. Present solutions! I wasn't expecting her to call me so I didn't really prep for this. 

But the conversation just kept going. Is God setting me up now? 

I just feel like all the work I've been churning was erased with that conversation.  So now what - do I keep churning until bonus just to see. Or do I give up and coast as I plan to do after I don't get the Multiplier + 30 bonus. 

I was supposed to be happy and stay happy and put on a happy face in front of my manager. 

Am I insecure that I let these little mistakes shake my foundation and then project a perception of incompetence? No one else seems to care - why do I? Literally, we make mistakes regularly and no one else expresses any comeuppance about it. Just me. I am the only one stewing and fuming. 

How can I get better at this. Honestly I thought I had done a good job of moving past things that irked me but the surprise phone call just undid all my hardwork. 

Not only that, now my teammates are going to know I just run to my manager with my problems. Grr. 

I don't need them to like me. I just wanted the option of a BIGGER Bonus. 

Well the countdown to bonus time is certainly one fraught with anxiety. Honestly it's almost exciting. Something to look forward to. I like that there should be no grey area (I say should because 100% of the time, my plans don't work out the way I envision) - either I get the bonus hoped for OR I don't. 

If I do - that should restore my faith in the work I'm doing here and my perceived value. 

If I don't - I can feel good about coasting and doing specifically tasked duties and looking around for another job.  I'd originally thought we'd launch our new platform at end of March, giving me 3 months to help onboard the team. But now that launch has been pushed to May, I certainly don't see myself staying for 3 months after that to September. 

So that was my week. In other news - I got one of my aunts to invest using Vanguard. I think it's the first time she's dabbled into stocks outside of a work retirement plan.

For Fun I looked up the salary schedule from my last teaching job. It's a little higher than when I started in 2009 but we'll use it for context. 

With a Master's + 12 years experience, what pay grade would I be in today's dollars: $83k. 

Phew, ok. So yes, my choice to leave teaching to skip the line for a higher salary paid off. Check! I never actually confirmed but in theory I mean... I knew I made more than a teacher. I made more than $83k my first year out of professional school. That feels good. 

Ok so back to the problem at hand.

I need: some reassurance from my manager that everything is okay. 

I can't control her actions.

What I can do:

- I want to create some work product that serves as a solution to the problem I created.

- Could complete the spreadsheet I started for training (most basic, more likely to be completed) 

- Want to do a bigger project of creating a training manual for our call center - if I could complete that this weekend before our meeting next week = that would be AWESOME!  Part of me thinks this is already done somewhere - I don't know if it's the same level of effort to find it and piece it all together or to create it from scratch. 

- Update our audit readiness checklist at least by removing names and adding any tasks... it's not really for audit readiness, at least not the way I envision it. 

Some nightmares I thought -

If my boss got promoted, I wonder if my buddy is going to get promoted. If she does, will that mean I have to report to her. That will certainly be some added fuel to my fire to get out of here.