Anxious, Blessed, and Scared

This was what I woke up 2 hours ago to write but have since forgotten what exactly I wanted to say.

I remember feeling fortunate (or blessed) because I'm at a good place financially. I can choose to live off $15k/yr as a "fun goal." It sounds crazy and entitled - none of the things I feel I am. Well maybe a little crazy. But that's good feeling, so let's take a moment and acknowledge it. I'm choosing to live off $15k to reach an ambitious financial goal. I have the latitude to do so and it feels really good.

And for those hours when I was re-working my plan, I felt hopeful and relaxed about the next steps at work. That was yesterday evening.

I woke up this morning with racing thoughts. Have I done enough at work? Why is my boss still attending meetings with me. A girl who got a new role after me is already managing meetings alone. Am I falling behind? Do other people think I'm not performing at the level I should be? I'm used to excelling. I'm scared I'm under-performing. I'm scared my manager isn't telling me that I should be able to manage these meetings myself. 

She scheduled a meeting to check-in for a project she handed off to me. I think about the person under me and I think he goes to meetings alone for his projects. And they're launches too. Hmm. 

I'm also worried about the immense amount of conversations this job entails. In my mind, I categorize it as a soft skills job. More so than I anticipated. So, yes while I'm trying different strategies to make the next time-horizon for this job manageable, I can't get over this pretty salient feature. 

I thrive in routine and structure. I struggle when the action is the conversation. How do I mitigate that? I think as much as I want to relax in this position, the best case scenario would be a great boss and a more technical or task-oriented position. 

I'm still not sure what level of decision making ability I have. I do enjoy being an individual contributor but I can't think of anything that I'm actually managing on my own. 

Oh and as much as being alone on the weekend makes me want to cry and do work that just makes me more anxious, I don't seem to want to leave the house to do the volunteer work I signed up for either. Ugh.