Another Wakeful Night

So sometimes putting the thoughts on papers helps get them out of my head. But maybe I'm just addicted to screen time. Once I opened the laptop all my thoughts stopped. Hmm. 

But obviously that's not always the case because the workday is not a great time either.

I wonder if I'm just focusing on these small work problems because I have nothing else going on in my life.

I feel like a ball of nervous - anxious and easily irritated. 

I even called my racist friend - for two reasons. One - to get more practice talking to people I don't like that much. Two- just to try to offload some of my feelings. I don't have many other people to talk to. The 2 other people that take my calls are out leading their best lives. Well, racist friend didn't pick up either even after I pre-empted the conversation by asking when he was free. 

I just need someone stable that I can always call. Turns out it's not him either. But at the time when you call your racist friend, you know you're not in a good place.

I'm hungry. But if I eat something I won't be able to sleep because of acid reflux. Ugh. 

So remember how I was a bit fearful my manager didn't think I was doing my job. Well, fears confirmed. The meeting she scheduled last week was one clue. Then she scheduled another one this week. So I asked if I could meet with those people and check in with her after that. She agreed. I wish she had just asked me how it was coming along but she thought it would be better if she just stepped in. At first I didn't want to think anything of it, but when I'm already concerned that I don't know what my job is and she's stepping into to do it, that's worrying.

The other thing is. She arranged a meeting with the vendor and the staff I'm supposed to be managing. Feels like a takeover. She didn't check-in with me first. 

So I'm feeling like just an overpaid intern or personal assistant. Which is fine but how long will I be able to hold on that role before I'm ousted?  Honestly, I feel like I could get away with it for 2 years. Hehe. From what I can see, our company is quick to just hire someone else or outsource work when it's not getting done rather than mobilizing the people they already hired to do the work. 

If I'm already anxious and sleepless after six months, could I mentally hold on for 2 more years??

Then there's the duplicate work. My buddy created an overview slide deck after I already created an overview slide deck. That was at least 3 hours of work on my part. That's half a workday. And I didn't even realize there was an even better overview deck in our Box folder. 

Fake it till you make it isn't really that great of a strategy for me. Duh. 

Did I mention I'm hungry. 

Actually one of the reasons I wanted to leave the Call Center is that the phone calls were making me anxious as well - not knowing what would be on the other end and the noise of an actual phone call. 

I actually reached out to one of our recruiters. They didn't respond. 

I might reach out to the hiring manager in the morning. 

One of the people we work with actually quit last Thursday I didn't know.