A Prideful Heart

 I feel like crying. Again. Never ending story with this girl. I've gotten so good at crying in these singular moments I don't even know what I'm crying for. Just to get over this immediate moment immediately, I suppose. 

I'm a bit sleep deprived. My thoughts were churning at 4am this morning. My chatty colleague saw I was online and messaged me. We ended up chatting till 9a. That was funny. I was fine for a few hours but near the end of the day the doldrum of what has become my workday settled back in. 

A lot of it is because I want to be the best. I want to have the game winning or game changing idea. I just want so much to add value. But why?

Because I have nothing else going for me. I just wanted to excel at something again. I don't feel like I'm winning at life. Same old story - I want to matter. I want what I do to matter. I want my life to have mattered. 

It did feel good to have this email I made on a whim get talked about. Ultimately, there will be no action. But I actually thought no one would respond because I have no real perception of my value to the company (hence the big suspense of Bonus Day). But a couple people said they actually looked into it. That was nice! How did I forget that.

And I actually got a small recognition award at work (but so did my whole team). Why does my Brain not emphasize that? How easily that was archived in my inbox. 

And actually, one of my ideas was talked about. Again, not sure there will be any action, but there we have it. It just feels like droplets in the ocean that evaporate before they even get a chance to be a part of the tide. 

And the 4-5 hour conversation was a good distraction. Why am I not focusing on that. 

Actually one thing I want to remember is to use my Recognition points to cash out gift cards for my family overseas. Last year, I'd been desperate to find someone to give it to since I instituted my re-gifting gift cards policy.  I think this will be a good policy. I was starting to feel bad again that I didn't have any friends to give it to, but cashing it out and giving to overseas family is just as good. 

For now, I'll still plan to make my Bank Bonuses target the $1200 for the year to send overseas. But if I don't make it in Bank Bonuses, the Rewards giftcards will have to count. How to track in spreadsheet? I guess just add it as a negative balance and as I send the money over, can add it back in? But that will make my total equal to zero? I don't know. Maybe add it as comments or include it as income since I am technically paying taxes on it. 

But I am also trying to spend $15k this year and I want to track that more exactly. I guess we'll see.  But that was my big announcement. It relieves the pressure of trying to find friends, worrying about not using up the giftcards before the expiration date; and I feel less miserly. Because I wanted to keep that cash! 

I spent $7 on chicken fingers. I don't think that was the price I wanted to pay, but last night when I couldn't sleep, I kept thinking I wanted to fry and eat some chicken tenders. I made a food list in the middle of the night and this afternoon I just went with it in case the craving comes back. 

Oh, other musings about work - the recruiter I reached out to for another role still hasn't responded nor have I been notified she's available. And my boss has taken over 3 meetings I think I should really be leading. It's concerning that she set up that meet and greet with the vendor for the program I'm supposed to be managing.