Those Tears Are Just Pride Leaving the Body

 Yep, there were tears and snot at least an hour or so ago now. 

But I am actually proud of myself for not having a melt-down, yelling, being challenging or questioning or anything but pleasant with my boss. I didn't question anything, I was agreeable in the last 30-minute 1:1 with my boss.

There was a time I would so look forward to those meetings with her. When she rescheduled this one, I didn't feel that feeling. 

It was after another frustrating training session (that everyone loved!), so I made sure to cry beforehand. I'd even wanted to add that I'd talked to her compadre to score brownie points, but she'd ask why and I didn't think I'd be able to keep my composure. I still want to score brownie points, so I want to try to find a way to casually mention that My Buddy gave me some great advice last week just with ....with what though? The conversation circled around my boss. I humbled myself and asked for tips to stay on her good side.

I knew it would endear me to My Buddy and give her some power back (not that I had any of hers to begin with), but just to keep her at bay somewhat.  But I was definitely secretly fighting to come out the victor in the fight for my boss's praise and attention. Scary, right. 

I give up. Theirs is a bond that can't be broken. 

And everyone loves my boss, even when I'm silently stewing and frustrated. So then I feel crazy. And everyone loves each other and is so nice to each other and I just find myself frustrated and annoyed most of the time. What does it mean when they secretly talk about each other in side conversations? Is the day really a new day for everyone else and I'm the only one stuck in a Groundhog's day movie that won't end?! 

So then I feel like the cranky ogre in the corner who literally cries herself to sleep. I felt once again like that moody girl who was passed over for a promotion at call center 1 in favor of an upbeat blonde girl.  So I had a good cry about that. 

But I just let My Buddy remediate me and I was secretly stewing the whole time. The beauty of virtual chat. You can be as happy as you want.  I'm just letting go of the strife of getting to the top of the list. 

I am happiest when I'm excelling and achieving. I like being better, if not the best. I like having the best idea. Not just the fake good idea because your boss is trying to highlight every little thing you do that has little to no impact. 

It's like the last leg of a race that won't end. I'm just tired. 

I can't wait until Bonus Day so I can officially stop churning. I can't wait to work regular hours and not have to try so hard. I can't wait to get away with not having to speak up or the pressure to have the best idea in the room. I can't wait to not feel the need to question everything or have the desire to make an impact. I can't wait to let the small things and big things go. I can't wait to be told to do something before I do it. I can't wait to not have to find a way to take the initiative. I can't wait to not have to feel like I can make a process improvement or prove my worth. I can't wait to take a backseat and not have to prove that you made a good decision to hire me. I can't wait to do the most basic requirement of any ask, 3 days after it's asked for. 

I can't wait to keep "clinic hours." I can't wait to unburden myself of trying to make some big, huge impact. I can't wait to phone it in. I did it for my aunt, I can do it for these people. 

Before I continue to rant, 2 things good happened today. 

The Med Comm/Med Writer internal position I had approached the hiring manager about was followed-up on again today. One of the people on the email scheduled time with me next week. That felt good. Based on the recruiter, I already know I may not meet all the requirements. So this was just an exercise to try to feel some semblance of control or to do an overt act to show myself that I am distancing myself from this current role. 

The other good thing - for awhile I've been trying to write a story to memorialize my aunt's death. I wanted to write a long essay for Modern Love but couldn't find the words. After my cry, I just submitted a Tiny Love Story to the New York Times.  I feel good about that. Luckily, they don't get back to you, I presume, if they don't accept you. So I just put it in a bubble and let it go. 

Today was just doing all the things that were unnatural. Just be agreeable. I mean what great idea have I actually had that's made any real impact? I've automated some admin tasks. 

But my task-monkey days are over. 

I mean they're not, but you know. 

I really want us to have process owners so that someone is responsible for all these misses. Maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't. I'm not trying anymore. What's the point? It's a battle I can't win. I didn't get very far with the Knowledge Articles or trying to figure out Training.  

When My Buddy said her putting me on the spot in a presentation was her trying to develop me - I knew it was over. I made the right decision. We're the same level - you shouldn't be trying to develop me. So, now I need development? Wow. 

It occurred to me, this whole time I was thinking I might make more than her. But now I'm convinced she makes more than me and also knows how much I make. I so wanted to ask her in the spirit of camaraderie if we made the same as the other managers on the other team. I think I vacillated between her knowing how much I made because she was part of the hiring process and me making more than her. But there's no way I make more than her. This is my boss' right hand man.  

It also occurred to me that she too got a promotion after 2 years - ish. She said April 2021 makes 3 years. So if she started April 2018, and they took over the call center late 2019, that's less than 2 years. 

It's funny because I thought she would be threatened by me. Pshaw. Not one stitch. She is sitting pretty.