It feels good to give up

 This morning I woke up quite smelly. I mean everything smells. I walked back into the office and I could smell I had just been there. My white bedsheets have become a familiar shade of brown. My robe that I wear morning, noon, and night smells like all aspects of human life. My pajamas that I've been wearing since the weather first hit freezing are crusted in many places and the stench is overpowering. 

I felt immediately motivated to go to the laundromat, discount prices be gone. You see I'd been waiting for the double your money sale to take my next load of laundry in. Why pay full price, right? But then I was like - I mean I've been wearing the same clothes for weeks now, so maybe I just wash my sheets. That was my plan.

I brought out my planner that held the prices. I could probably wash my sheets and blankets and this stinky robe for $5.50. I got up and looked at the weather. It's 32*F. Boo. 

I still thought oh well, just put on your sweat suit and carry on. The sun is shining so it looks deceptively warm. I actually have 2 sets of brand new sheets that I haven't used because I was thinking best practice is to wash them first. I proceeded to unbox the first set. It just looked so clean, and I figured the biggest threat is bed bugs. I didn't see any, and I'm pretty sure they're visible to the human eye. So after a few minutes of consternation, I made up my bed with the new sheets. 

My robe is still stinky but the sheets were my primary concern because they were turning brown. So that happened. 

Then I thought of taking a day off to do a full day of volunteering for the vaccine clinics. Then I thought wait, aren't we not supposed to be in crowds? So that gave me pause. I really just wanted to take a day off and distance myself from the crazy. 

Oh, the other thing I wanted to mention is that goals are amazing. I love goals. I really love goals and structure and framework. It's just nice to have something to guide your decisions. That's the appeal of religion for me. I don't thrive in chaos. So, in my laundry dilemma, the thought of looking again for a washer/dryer didn't even occur to me because not too long ago I decided to just accept COVID and quit fighting it. And based on that, I could revise my budget to just focus on regular expenses. 

I didn't have to plan for big optional expenses.  This year just wasn't the year. So in that same notebook that held the laundromat prices I went ahead and calculated that I'll need $80 on my washcard to do laundry for a year. That sure beats $2k for a washer/dryer.  Goals!

Same with trying to do my taxes. It's hurting my soul to pay $27 to activate my phone just to receive one SMS text from Credit Karma to log-in to my account. So that motivated me to finally make some moves to switch internet companies to free up some extra dollars. I did it one month early, so that's an extra $15 I can put toward that $27. 

Back to work talk. Oh for Lent, I think I'd like to stop talking about work to other people. The blog will need to be my outlet. I acknowledge I won't be able to quit cold turkey easily. But that's okay. I think until I figure out what I want to do I shouldn't be locking myself into any public declarations. 

So I know I keep going over all the things I want to change when I get my basic (but still good) Bonus.  My boss again said My Layoff Plan was something she'd like us to move towards by the end of the year regardless of if the program ends or not. Cool. Then during a screen share, I saw My Buddy had one of the contracts I manage on her screen. For what reason? 

In the beginning, in a misguided attempt to challenge myself, I wanted to break their bond and rise to the top of my boss's attention. It was THEIR call center, and I thought if I could just be good enough, I could break into the inner circle. Stupid girl! Don't you know by now, you'll always be an interloper. 

I couldn't break in. It still brings me to tears, but wait this isn't that story.  This is my victory lap story. 

Woosa!

After I get my Basic Bonus, I'm just going to fall in line. Honestly, that part of it is already so juicy, I've already started letting go of my desire to stand out. There's just so many things I wanted to be better. But the battle is bigger than me. And ultimately when I've tried, I just didn't get anywhere. Like 100 attempts to only get 2 or 3. Those are fool's errands. It just hurts because I know when the next person gets rewarded for doing something I wanted to do or saw needed doing, I'm going to feel extremely butt hurt and jealous. I'm going to be even more jealous if it was an idea I had or already attempted but didn't get very far. That will be the hardest part. But I have to remind myself of the rate of return so far on my efforts. 

And actually, you know that deck that kept me up at least one night, I ended up forgetting to think about it some more and just let My Buddy speak on her basic deck. Nothing bad happened, but as I thought the things I thought would have enhanced it, would have. But I let the audience ask for it, then just sent out the revision later. So, I mean maybe it won't all be bad. Ugh, makes me sick.  But really, basic or updated deck - these are not life-altering business decisions. 

Anyway I just need to accept, I'm not some great explorer. There is no new world to be discovered. I don't have any ground-breaking ideas. The work will get done eventually by someone. And that person may or may not get the glory.

But it'll be great to try to stick to an 8 hour day. It'll be great to not have to worry about being amazing.  With the pressure lifted, I feel free? But I can't discount the little bit of disappointment that this wasn't the thing I was going to be better at than everybody else. 

Oh the other thing I figured out about work - the reason I'm always so confused is because people aren't telling the truth! There's a lot of creative storytelling going on. 

Mediocrity is my least favorite flavor, but for up to $148k/yr in compensation, I can love it!