Will I ever be great

 Last weekend I successfully stayed off the computer. All weekend. First time in at least a year. It was the anniversary of my aunt's death. I watched 3 seasons of Devious Maids.

I'm kind of burnt out with all the admin tasks I've tasked myself with at work. I just have so many feelings about work. I don't know how many are real or just disordered thinking. 

I've been praying for six months to make some huge, lasting, sustainable positive impact. My dreams did not come true.  And I'm tired and I'm out of ideas. Maybe I need to stop using prayer as wish or dream fulfillment.

How do you live a mediocre life when you crave so much more? 

I don't have any more energy to give to this job. I want to fly under the radar but then my actions and thoughts betray me. I think ultimately I want to keep going until Bonus Day only because I already made up my mind to churn till then. I don't want any second guessing when this immense feeling of overwhelm passes. 

I woke up this morning around 7a or 8a and decided to wash my hair finally. It was matted and tangled but I attacked it anyway. It's been so long since I've washed my own hair that I forgot what to do. 

It took at least 1.5 hours just to wash the first half. I got the sink all wet, along with the counter, and my clothes. My hand got tired. I had to sit part of the way. Then I was standing. Then first I was leaning over the sink, then I was standing and bending over. It was just a mess. I cried a little. 

I ended up cutting some of the tangles out. Then I pulled aggressively on the rest because it was just taking forever. Lots of hairs were harmed in this tale. It took at least 10 or 20 minutes or at least it felt that way to even get my hair saturated with water. There was so much grime that the water just kept sliding off. 

I was so tired that for the second half I wised up a little. I combed it out first. Then wet it and combed it some more. And this time I just washed it with conditioner. That went a lot faster.  So yes, only half of my hair is clean.  But I made the executive decision to just leave the shampooing to the professionals. 

When I finally went to blow dry it, it was very obvious which side was clean because the blowdryer brush was very dirty after drying the co-washed side.  Then of course I shorted the outlet because I was blowdrying in the bedroom which doesn't have a grounded outlet like the bathroom.

So then I finished blowdrying in the kitchen because that has a grounded outlet. The circuit box is outside and my backdoor is taped up to prevent bugs. It's a whole thing. So after I finished Hairgate 2021, I finally was able to walk around the block of townhomes to get to my backdoor and reset the circuit breaker for the upstairs outlets I tripped.  See why I put off washing my own hair for 6 months!

I've tried watching TV but I just started crying and feeling sorry for myself. And I'm as cold as I predicted I'd be after washing my hair in winter. Where 2 weeks ago I was hanging out in a tee shirt and panties. Because my scalp is still essentially damp, I'm in socks, flannel pjs, three shirts, a robe and a nightcap. 

I'm just stuck with what to do about work. I'm triggered and anxious and floundering. I will focus on finding some work to output but the remaining tasks I can think of are so daunting. My immediate goal I guess is to churn out some work product this weekend to land in my manager's box before Monday. 

I wish I knew for sure that my investment returns would resemble some of the bloggers I follow. If that were the case, I'd be done saving in 2 years. It would make this last hustle much more manageable. 

But I think a more realistic outcome is 4 years at 6% interest. 

If I had 2 more years left, I think I would still churn till Bonus Day, but I would feel better about coasting until the end. Because it just feels like the impact of any decision would not be long withstanding. 

It's just harder for me I think than other people I work with because I don't have anything else going for me. This is the only thing I have to focus on. So mistakes - big or small- are always life-altering! Everything ruminates and ruminates. I don't have any friends and I don't interact much with my family.