I'm feeling lots of feelings

 I'd crafted so many blog posts in my head over the last few days. None made it to a draft.

Work

It's my second to last weekend of churning. I know bonuses have already been decided and presumably locked in place. I noticed my boss hasn't scheduled a 1:1 to discuss the amounts, so I'm curious how that will go. Maybe there isn't a talk?

I'd scheduled a virtual birthday lunch the Wednesday before our birthday but now I want to cancel it.  Just mentally I've been preparing to be disappointed. Also I'm afraid of the silence and what I might say.  I know it'll be fine (financially) but I think I've just put so much weight on this Bonus. Not the amount so much because there's nothing I'm counting on the money to buy, but more what it means. It's a measure of my value - which because it's tied to how much she "likes me" is a measure of what I'm worth to her. Do I still matter? Does anyone still love me? 

Yes, you can say the wild things in your mind to strangers on the internet because people in  real life would look at me strangely if they knew I thought these things. 

But the thing is - do I still love her?

I do. She's such a wonder to watch work. She's a great leader and role model and really cares about the business. I think what's different is I don't know that I want to be that. 

Plus other things have changed. With the 3 of the 6 programs I was hired to manage ending. What really is left for me to do?

I don't want to feel like I'm on a yearlong interview while they find a way to repurpose my role. I'll take the next lifeboat, please, thanks. 

How do I get to the level of confidence of  My Buddy. I just feel if some newcomer came with more education and more relevant experience, I would be jealous. I'm jealous now of people that get My Boss' attention or praise. I guess some people really are just secure within themselves. 

How do I get to that place?

The thought of going through another year of job applications is daunting and defeating. It makes me not even want to try. I'm not getting very far internally. This is what I've feared - what marketable skill have I really gained in the last 8 months. 

It makes me just want to ride this leaky boat to the end.  I know mentally I won't be able to relax but what is the alternative. It's not as though just because I apply, I'm going to get hired.  As always my best laid plans are confetti for the Devil's party.

Are the fact that the programs are ending the sign I was hoping for? Did I pray for this? 

Ok, so my job is tenuous - what do I do? Either way I'm waiting a year in an anxious state - anxiously applying and anxiously waiting for the axe to drop at this job. 

I feel my body in this hyper alert state and it can't be good for me. I feel stuck in an immune response. 

That's why the Bonus Day is important. I want to have a day to give myself permission to turn off. No more churning. I can't make the programs come back and I can't make an external employer hire me. I'll have to make some new plans on how I want to approach my exit but it's about to be my birthday month and I refuse to feel anything bad. 

I'm tired and I'm out of steam. Yesterday was Friday and after my last meeting ended at 3p, I just went to the room and it was difficult to muster even the few checks I did on the iPad for anything important. I turned the computer completely off and didn't turn it back on again until today. 

So much running around mentally to get nowhere. March will be my calibration month.  I'm only churning until the 15th so she can think it's because of the Basic Bonus when really I've been checked out for a while now- well a lot of it has to do with the realization that the Bonus was not reflective of huge efforts just of  sub-par work.  Then a couple moment of minor friction (that I magnified in my head). 

Plus more and more I see eventually stuff gets done or it doesn't matter if it gets done or not. People still keep their jobs and the machine keeps on machining.  Every idea I've had, someone else already had, if I'm honest. 

Oh the latest thing I think I might be getting set-up for is to carve my own role out of My Buddy's role. But I will not bite unless really, really pushed. I want her to restructure my role with her own mouth not try to create buy-in by leading me to it.

I wish I had more power over job outcomes.

Ugh, just looking at the listings the other day - it was literally all the jobs I've applied for at one time or another. 

What do I do?? 

Make no sudden movements until April? I like that plan. I'm just so tired of the mental load and the guessing and the re-programming. I think I just need to let it seep in and do nothing for awhile. I don't want to be emotionally responsible for anyone or anything including myself. 

I'm taking a mental 30 day cleanse to do as little as possible and say as little as possible. To guess and feel as little as possible.