I forgot to be happy

 All my hardwork might be for nothing. So devastating! But that's how I feel right now. I'm running close to E at this point churning work product to get the maximum bonus (Multiplier + 30). Based on the limited data I have, this was already sort of a long shot.

Then today I did the thing I told myself not to do. I let my frustration spill over into a conversation with my manager. And the thing is, I'd actually moved past it. Maybe I'd even shelved it for after bonus time. Now that our Big Project has been pushed to mid-May, maybe I started to unravel a bit? I don't know.

Basically after several conversations with my teammates and a few emails, I thought I knew what to do to push a product training through to our vendor. I was wrong. One of the managers at the vendor called and was like ugh, no. That's not how we do it. Grrr. 

I already have some light feelings that I'm being set-up by my teammates. Now this. I already had a plan to try to start looking for a new position at the end of March, now this. 

I'd already identified that complaining about our team, our process, my teammates didn't usually end well. Now this. 

To make matters worse I even expressed that it makes us look bad in front of our vendor and maybe it skews their perception of our ability to lead them. My manager disagrees. Not a good sign. And now I fear I've also put that idea in her head. 

Don't go to her with problems, I told myself. Present solutions! I wasn't expecting her to call me so I didn't really prep for this. 

But the conversation just kept going. Is God setting me up now? 

I just feel like all the work I've been churning was erased with that conversation.  So now what - do I keep churning until bonus just to see. Or do I give up and coast as I plan to do after I don't get the Multiplier + 30 bonus. 

I was supposed to be happy and stay happy and put on a happy face in front of my manager. 

Am I insecure that I let these little mistakes shake my foundation and then project a perception of incompetence? No one else seems to care - why do I? Literally, we make mistakes regularly and no one else expresses any comeuppance about it. Just me. I am the only one stewing and fuming. 

How can I get better at this. Honestly I thought I had done a good job of moving past things that irked me but the surprise phone call just undid all my hardwork. 

Not only that, now my teammates are going to know I just run to my manager with my problems. Grr. 

I don't need them to like me. I just wanted the option of a BIGGER Bonus. 

Well the countdown to bonus time is certainly one fraught with anxiety. Honestly it's almost exciting. Something to look forward to. I like that there should be no grey area (I say should because 100% of the time, my plans don't work out the way I envision) - either I get the bonus hoped for OR I don't. 

If I do - that should restore my faith in the work I'm doing here and my perceived value. 

If I don't - I can feel good about coasting and doing specifically tasked duties and looking around for another job.  I'd originally thought we'd launch our new platform at end of March, giving me 3 months to help onboard the team. But now that launch has been pushed to May, I certainly don't see myself staying for 3 months after that to September. 

So that was my week. In other news - I got one of my aunts to invest using Vanguard. I think it's the first time she's dabbled into stocks outside of a work retirement plan.

For Fun I looked up the salary schedule from my last teaching job. It's a little higher than when I started in 2009 but we'll use it for context. 

With a Master's + 12 years experience, what pay grade would I be in today's dollars: $83k. 

Phew, ok. So yes, my choice to leave teaching to skip the line for a higher salary paid off. Check! I never actually confirmed but in theory I mean... I knew I made more than a teacher. I made more than $83k my first year out of professional school. That feels good. 

Ok so back to the problem at hand.

I need: some reassurance from my manager that everything is okay. 

I can't control her actions.

What I can do:

- I want to create some work product that serves as a solution to the problem I created.

- Could complete the spreadsheet I started for training (most basic, more likely to be completed) 

- Want to do a bigger project of creating a training manual for our call center - if I could complete that this weekend before our meeting next week = that would be AWESOME!  Part of me thinks this is already done somewhere - I don't know if it's the same level of effort to find it and piece it all together or to create it from scratch. 

- Update our audit readiness checklist at least by removing names and adding any tasks... it's not really for audit readiness, at least not the way I envision it. 

Some nightmares I thought -

If my boss got promoted, I wonder if my buddy is going to get promoted. If she does, will that mean I have to report to her. That will certainly be some added fuel to my fire to get out of here.