What I'm going to do differently

 I don't know if I told you but a colleague mentioned that one of her work colleagues is on the chopping block. That felt like an affirmation for me somehow.

I don't hate my job but it's just not the experience I hoped for. I like my manager alot, obviously, but I need a role with more structure and clearer expectations and guidelines. This is a relationships job and that is not my strong suit and not something that is my default setting. Most people are better at it than me.

As  you'll recall I had a self-perceived emotional outburst early on at this job. That kind of planted the idea that this might not be my forever home, so to speak. I thought it was the grief talking so I sought professional help. That petered out due to logistics. I soldiered on. 

Knowing I had this tarnished reputation where I prefer to be a model employee got the wheels moving of when I should start to make my exit. I approached it casually, but now I'm going to take it more seriously.  I have to make a change - both in my attitude and my prospects. Two outreach attempts to internal recruiters haven't given me much hope. Actually 3 now that I think about it.  I don't think Medical Information will hire me but I might apply in a desperate attempt. That would be a wrong move though, Brain. 

Now that I sit on this some more, I think someone's been talking to my manager about me. It's not like her to call me out. So, now I'm wondering who? Because the comment I made is something I've heard everyone make in one form of another. 

I've never been the problem child but now I'm finding myself in that position without even trying. I can control my actions but it's going to take a lot longer to change myself from the core. So to me the best next step is to change my surroundings - i.e. work. 

Obviously the easiest thing will be to look internally. Man! And I had gotten so hopeful about this year, but who didn't see that coming. I've been around the block more than a few times. Just when you start to see the sun shining... a dark cloud appears. 

Remember all the thoughts I had about Bonus Day. I was hoping I would really knock it out of the park. It was a reach goal for sure, but now I'll be surprised if I even make the bonus target let alone the Multiplier + 30. 

It feels bad.

I'm used to excelling. I'm used to being the Golden Child. And because I'm not and I don't know what I'm doing - I find myself perpetually frustrated and I think that is the root of many of my outbursts and anxiety and frustration. 

Basically my boss said she's been hearing my discontent what feels like every other day. Wow! Call out much. I said, I hear and acknowledge it.  She said, she wanted to understand it. I said, I don't have anything new to say. If asked again, I'll just say it won't happen again. I was thinking it, but I couldn't get the words out without crying. 

In my mental tally, that's strike 2. I wouldn't want to manage me. And it's not her job to manage me emotionally. 

So I'm going to churn as best as I can with a broken heart until Bonus Day, and then make a sharp turn to working 8 hour days until I can find a way out - either at my manager's hand or my own. 

From now until Bonus Day (and beyond), I will question nothing. Suggest nothing. Love everything. Honestly what has my questioning and feedback even gotten me? Definitely not the positive powerful impact I'd hoped for. Everyone else has been here longer than me and the organization has rolled on without my questions or low-impact feedback. All I've gotten is myself in a pickle when I should've been flying under the radar. 

Question nothing. Accept everything. Love everything! 

Ok, onwards!