Been struggling a bit the last few days. I never knew I could sleep so much. Strange I can't seem to stay asleep at night. But let day come and it's all I wanted to do.
Looked up PERMA last night to see what I could do to make my next 12 months less distressing/ more desirable.
Overall, been having trouble coming up with the best possible outcome for this next phase and life in general. Afraid mostly because it feels unachievable. This morning this is what I have...
Best Possible Outcome
Physically - I am in great shape; I have an enviable body (being envied is apparently something I value); I am beautiful; my hair stops graying; my body stops aching; I find a physical sport or activity I truly enjoy; physically- I have a partner that provides a lot of affection and intimacy that makes me fee confident, loved, cared for, and supported; physically I have someone to drive me to the hospital if I'm sick; help me move; do airport pickup; this can be platonic friends; I have a place to crash if I'm tired; I have sleepovers with platonic friends. I have someone to think through tough problems.
Financially - I have my cool low-key job; I'm able to tack on another remote job that pays well with a low workload (the dream!!); I reach a million dollars in the next 2 years. As an added bonus, I have a partner who can financially support me so work seems even more optional!!
Emotionally - I have an abundance of emotional support so I can finally share that with the larger community; I have friends that are there to soften the blows of distress from daily life (I'm talking rude customer service people; wonky work mates; rude traffic; the general public/ gen pop); I have a partner whose sole purpose in life is to take care of me physically, financially, and emotionally and does it easily. I want to experience one pure good thing in life that is not tainted with hardship.
So my brain still works. It just knows these things are hard-won. So I stay in the dark place. Because at 40 to want for the impossible feels foolish.
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