my next life - a writing exercise

 So it's Sunday evening. I don't recall any tears actually falling. I just felt kind of in a daze of confusion, sadness, loneliness, and fatigue.

Even as I sit up to type this all I want to do is sleep. Maybe it's the last few days on lumpy futon, who knows.

Anyway, I realize I've been having trouble really figuring out what I want to be. Who I want to re-invent myself to become. Who I want to show up as. 

Maybe it's a factor of being stuck in the trauma. I'm having trouble seeing what's achievable. I guess I'll just wait for the algorithm. (And also remember, I can't sprout wings, no matter how much I want them.)

So, when I stumbled on this during my clicking, I thought I'd freewrite it here on this very blog...

The Prompt:

do a little daydreaming about what your next life will look like, after you reach whatever you’re planning for, whether it be early retirement or financial independence, paying off debt, saving for some other major goal, or achieving a major personal milestone.

some questions you may wish to answer in your post:

• what will your transition be like? will you be quitting a job? making a move? how will all of that go down?
• what are the big goals you have for your next life, or just the goals for the first five years or so?
• what are the little day-to-day goals you have for yourself?
• will you quit working, change what you do for work, or stay the course?
• what will a day in the life look like?
• how will you manage your finances in the next stage?
• what will excite you about getting out of bed every day?

My responses to the prompt:

- Transitions - Right now, I am planning to move to Newtown. I won't be quitting my job. I will be making a move. I am selling my house. I will live in Interim Housing until August when I head out to Newtown. July just seems like a dead month. It's hot and I know I won't be as motivated to do outdoor activities. And since I'm moving to a built in community, I want the best possible chance of success by capitalizing on the momentum - not just my own but others...so I need people to be in town. I also just generally love the Back-to-School time of year. I want to capitalize on that season as well. I was shooting for September originally, but there are some events that would make that timing a little later in the year than I would have liked, but we shall see.

- Goal - This is where I struggle. I don't really have any big goals, per se. At least none that I can easily articulate. The background goal is to keep saving to reach millionaire status. Just because it would be fun to say. But that's mostly to keep me grounded and to provide some sort of backbone to my spending. 

The other reason for the move is to actually upgrade (?) or at least change my lifestyle. I'm not doing much in my town and don't feel that motivated to change it. So I (with the help of my therapist) decided to just move. I've been wanting to move for the last 8 to 12 years but couldn't figure out a why since it costs so little to live here. I still don't know the why or what I hope to accomplish other than just not being in The South. 

I have no idea what the first 5 years will look like. Because I'm being plugged into a community right away, my goal is to attend as many social events as possible. I think I want to try to jumpstart any social proclivities I might still have and see how it all feels. I need to feed the algorithm new data points. Because I'm at a true loss about what is achievable for me. And if it's something worth living for. 

In short, I'm escaping a 12 year toxic relationship, and I have no idea what's ahead. 

Day to day goals - well, not much more to add to what I said above. Day to day, I'm planning to build in some structured activities that are known mood boosters. I would love to not cry so much, but that's not really a goal, just something I'm tracking. But I have a couple of activities I want to sign up for at least for my first 'semester.' A couple of therapists have pretty much confirmed it's okay to just fill your day with distractions. So that's kind of where I'm starting. I have no real targets that I think make reasonable goals. I'm going to frontload my first few months with a lot of activities and see what sticks and how I feel. 

Working - No, I won't quit working. Work is like my only stable thing. I am hoping my low workload continues. Periods of focused work are okay but only in short defined bursts. I will be working remotely as I have been for the last 3 years. I have access to a co-working space and have built that into my structured activity plan. 

Since tracking my expenses worked so well for me - helped me reach and define goals and know what was achievable (but also made me cry when I fell short or in general felt like I would never reach the milestones I wanted in the time I wanted). I wonder if there is a way to quantify emotional income and expenses. This is what I would like to do. 

Day In the Life - this is very much to be determined. Once when this was still a dream, I mapped out a weekly schedule. It loosely consisted of work in the morning. Some social activities 3-4x/wk; some me time and some hobbies. At one point, I think I wanted to socialize more times a week than not, so at least 4 days a week. But that feels ambitious in this current moment. But overall, just get out of the house more and socialize more. 

This seemed easier to daydream when it was farther away. 

Managing my finances - this is my favorite topic. I'm actually excited to see what this will look like. Right now, I'm trying to negotiate how much I want to spend on a possible international trip in December. I already am planning to upgrade my lifestyle in terms of getting a nice place to live. Even if I socialize 4x/week, I will still be spending the majority of my time at home. I want it to be my safe, comfy place. I made a loose budget just to make sure I an afford my proposed lifestyle, but I haven't fine tuned it much.

Luckily, I was approved for a credit card to help with 1 off expenses which will be handy the first few months, but this might continue for the first 12 months. But all in all, I will still aim to max out my 401k at least. The rest is yet to be determined. 

What will excite you - I WISH I KNEW! Do people really feel this or is this something people say? This is where I get lost and wonder if I should take medication. Is there something I'm missing? Do people really enjoy life because from my vantage point it feels like people are struggling and rounding up. I was trying to think back to a time when I was happy or excited. And I couldn't think of anything really relevant. Now that I know the truth. If Bible stories are to be believed, I feel like I took a bite of the forbidden fruit and I see the world as it is, not the way I was led to believe. And everytime, it's a No for me.