Saturday morning reflections

 In light of the potentially light summer workload (no complaints!), I may decide to start blogging twice a day, just to give me something to do.

For a very long time, all I wanted in life was more free time. No homework, no schoolwork, no chores, no responsibilities. And now I have it in abundance. So, yeah, balance is key.

I'm almost tempted to go for death by a thousand cuts with moving, just to have something to do! I obviously don't need to build in any additional downtime. Downtime is my life! Again, no complaints, but it feels stolen most of the time so it's hard to plan for. 

So I guess friends, I have achieved work-life balance. Periods of intense work where I'm tired at the end of the workday and not able to function. And periods of low workload.

I have been trying to capitalize on the low workload time with another job but have been wholly unsuccessful. 

So this Saturday...what am I up to?

Yesterday, I had McDs and limp fries. Definitely won't miss that! I'm paying almost $2 for a McDonald's hamburger. And the fries are always bad. But it's free, so I go. It's like me and every relationship. I stay way past the stay fresh date. 

So I technically have no one coming to pick up the desk at this point. But I'm not that concerned...yet. I just have to get used to the idea that I might have to push it down the stairs. I may need to drag it out to the front yard for the other people to pick it up. So the saga continues.

It's so interesting when I think about my life - with and without Christianity. If I'm just bobbing around with no purpose, life is just a little more interesting. Aimless, but sometimes freeing. Because I can let go of things more easily. I don't have to worry about a butterfly effect or long term or everlasting consequences. 

But you have to think...what about Buddhist countries or countries that believe in ancestor type stuff...I'm thinking Asian countries. Jesus was only sent to one very small part of the world? It's clear communities worldwide look for some sort of overarching guidance to structure their life. And they tend to look upward.  And there are some commonalities of sacrifice, guidance on how you relate to others, some sort of duty to something, consequences, and something bigger than yourself and the current moment. There is this idea that we are all connected somehow. 

But I'm curious because even within these global communities, there are outliers. So is there something you can do to be cast away from the algorithm? 

Oh well. I'm still on this journey of self-discovery. Self-fulfillment? Aimless wandering? Who knows.

Money talks

I realize with too much money coming in, it's easy to lose focus and my frugal muscles are weak. I'm definitely not complaining about too much money. But it's hard to feel motivated to squeeze every dollar for more cents. Right now - it's the house sale. Well I'm also inexperienced with negotiation and have to manage anxiety by taking less risks. I'll fight harder for $20 than $1500. Weird right? Because I can likely control the $20. But fighting over $1500 presents the risk of losing $40k. So, I guess in retrospect it make sense. 

Is my life actually good right now and I just don't know how to manage it? 

I think so!

My life is good. I have financial security. I have something to look forward to. It's just this kind of boring middle. And no plans. 

But summer is a time for re-invention. I've run out of costumes, so it's kind of a mish-mash of things.

I love the hope of new beginnings. I love the time to let my imagination run a little wild. I love thinking of the possibilities. Admittedly, I know the buffet is a lot smaller and my imagination is more realistic. But for 12 months I can pretend anything is possible. 

I'm mostly just loving these cool starts! Was this what summer was supposed to be like instead of the torture it's been the last 12 years!

I can't believe I'm so close to getting out of here! It's wild. Very, very wild. 

I was thinking of delaying closing until end of July since I'm pretty much living out of a suitcase. And it would be cheaper and more comfortable. Well not the bed, but just more familiar I guess. But psychologically, it's probably best I just close this chapter for good. But that's where I was going with money. It would be more cost effective to stay in The X House until August. But at this point with extra money coming in, it's easier just to spend more. 

Let's think this through...

The risk of staying until July - was mainly getting stuck here and feeling like I can't make a decision to move. But it is largely mitigated by the fact that all my stuff is packed up. 

I think I'm mostly stuck on not pushing back on the Credit Addendum. I'm still wondering if I had declined it, what would have happened. I forgot I had the upper hand. But I would be back in limbo. But I forgot, I can always just list my house empty. I'm moving out anyway. 

I'm totally underplaying how much anxiety it would cause to wonder what the next move would be. Wondering if the contract would be cancelled. Wondering and wondering. Okay, calm down, MERJ. 

Yeah, just go ahead and feel those feelings and be done with it. Silly Brain is trying to mess this up with you.

I go back to- you won the game. You're just swimming in the gravy!

Oh, I have a new idea about my nomadic summer...

Be back later!