Sunday, 4p EST

 So I went outside and it did help to get out of my head a little. 

Some conversations with myself:

- Maybe instead of a second place life, it's a bronzed life. Instead of feeling like I was close to dreams, I can think bronzed place. All the people I beat out for a chance at this life.

- I can do this. 

- It's just back to normal life.

- I tried so hard for this big dream. I came. I spent my money. I spent my time.

- Is this even something I want?

How do I repackage this?

I'm sure in 10 years, I'll be back at it again.

Should I date girls?

If you squint your eyes a little, I'm making progress. It took me 10 years to get over the last dream deferred. I think 2 years for the one after that. And really, only 9 months for this love dream. 

Is there even a relationship I admire?

What would my love-life even look like?

If it's not the fantasy I imagine, then what am I crying for?

I don't think the science experiment of waiting 6 months for one of these dudes to pop back up is worth it. A) I don't think I could handle the emotional distress (which is misaligned with my 3 tenets of safety). B) It smells of Secret Love and The One. 

I have to move on. 

What does my life look like now?

I do still like the idea of going away for the summer. It's nostalgic of carefree adolescent times. It smells of new beginnings. But it's also a thing retirees do and FIRE people do as well.

It would need to be somewhere cooler. Which smells like Seattle or somewhere international. But I don't want to go alone anymore.

Should I text him when I'm at the airport: Come scoop me up and take me back home with you. 

I'm so tempted to stay. But I came back in hopes of  hanging with 2 dudes that seemed promising. This one didn't even message me. Is it because he's on vacation? No, dummy, it's because he doesn't want to. There are never any other reasons. 

I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but am I waiting to be a child star all over again. 

This dream is over. The data doesn't lie. 

I'm feeling very tempted to text them all. It will only hurt my feelings. 

I gotta clean break this.