So many feelings

 Last night was a bit restless. It was a combination of boy and work and being in bed for 2 days straight.

Saturday I all but bought a ring for myself just to recommit to putting my needs first and loving myself and of course prioritizing my 3 tenets - financial, emotional, and physical safety/security/stability. (Also a reminder to myself and the world that I have been loved. I am someone who benefits from symbolism.)

So I'm all over the place.

Catfish Katie came out to try to see what the boy is doing.

Yes, friends, I decided to go against the advice of the committee members and accept breadcrumbs. Because in the past I gave up breadcrumbs in hope of loaves that never came. I want to see this through. 

He finally messaged Saturday night but I was too scared to check until Sunday. And I just checked my email per regular and he messaged again. Did I get it right? People really can be too busy? I don't know.

I just choose and or want to believe that this could work.

I spent much of the weekend fantasy planning a trip back out to Seattle. This was mostly to soothe my angst and fantasize. But now that there's a sliver of hope that it might be possible, I'm terrified!

Much of last night's sleeplessness was spent crafting the perfect response. Trying to use any available data to figure out the right amount to say. I've lost track of my goal here. Match his speed? Try to progress the relationship? I don't know!

Here are some things I was thinking:

Do I answer immediately?

What do I say?

Do I gush?

Do I answer professionally? Curtly? Cutely?

Do I flirt?

Do I tell him I've been thinking about him. That on Saturday, I very strongly wished he were the pile of covers on my bed. We haven't been very flirty via text or really at all. 

Do I just tell the truth about wanting to see him?

I had so many more thoughts keeping me up at night. Funny how they disappear in the morning. Does my body hate me?

I might still move forward with getting a ring. I still would like a reminder that I'm my first love and I have all these other people who loved me and committed to give me the best life possible. 

I think I'm going to get a sausage biscuit and call it a day.