Actually, everything's not going to be okay

 I feel this strange sense of calm and relief. It might be because I just had a bowel movement but it might be other things.

I had my 6th meeting with my EAP counselor and usually I walk out of those with some sense of reasoning. Today was like that except unbeknownst to her she helped solidify for me that there's not much else to live for.

She kept asking for data that you know you can't overcome the next challenge. That life isn't a video game that your run out of tries or something like that. Except it is for me. 

I don't WANT to overcome anything else. And I live in a place where I can easily choose Game Over. Yes, I have indeed run out of lives. The next time a challenge comes that I don't want to overcome, I am going to opt-out of it.

But you can't say that to your mental health counselor. They'll put you on suicide watch. 

But I feel okay now.

She tasked me with finding some grief counselors. She says the ache I feel that is at the root of my anxiety and wanting to control (outcomes) is unresolved grief. Okay. Well I tried this exercise again and still found no one in my area or the 2 nearby metro areas accepting new patients via telehealth. So, I tried, world, I tried.

I'm also comforted by the 2 events I have to go to my jobsite for. That's two weekends in July accounted for and before you know it July will be done. And whatever anxiousness is attributed to Slow Fade can be contained in the spaces between those two weeks.

I thought about extending my stay and just staying with family because that's what a normal person would do. But I opted out of that. I just don't want to. Plus traveling by train means 2 full days I don't have to be working. #MoreFun

There's nothing much for me to do in that area.

I think the 2 work events also means it takes out some ambiguity of traveling back to Seattle. The earliest I could reasonably and easily go is that last weekend in July and by then I think most of this angst will have dissipated by sheer force of circumstance.

So what's on the horizon in terms of expectations.

In the next 3 weeks (before my next counselor session), here are some things I hope for:

Fantasy: We plan the next time we are going to see other. (He confesses his undying love for me and we live happily ever after).

Lesser: We at least have a conversation about seeing each other.

Smaller still: He calls me.

Even smaller: He sends me at least 1 lazy text.

Wow. 

Breadcrumbs people. Breadcrumbs.

And just like that my workday is over. 

I'm excited about my ring. I'm excited for possible work-paid travel. 

I now have to get my hair done, sometime between now and then.