I just can't get there

 To ease my x feelings, I started plotting a trip back to Seattle. Then Porto. Since I'm going to be in DC in July, I felt like there was an opportunity there to take advantage of being near an international airport. 

I don't know, a $5k trip to Porto for about a month is on the table. So is a possible 2 month stint in Seattle, followed by a shared lease in Seattle, and a few other variations where I end up back in Seattle.

I keep trying to convince myself one way or the other but nothing sticks.

I don't know if I'm in acute distress or not. I really don't.

I tried convincing myself to stay put. I told myself when I look back at my 2 big life examples where I pushed against reality, that was evidently the problem. I didn't accept reality and I was praying for big outcomes. 

But do you need to pray for things that are probably going to happen anyway.

I don't know which of my life experiences I'm supposed to draw from to navigate this dating situation.

Now I'm thinking of my immigration experience. It was a thing that was supposed to happen, but I had to push it to get the outcome I wanted.

I told myself a minute ago to accept the reality. Markets are down - it's a better bargain to buy into those markets now and save travel for when things are normally priced and staffed. Self, I said, just focus on investing for the latter part of the year.

I was on board for maybe 3 minutes.

Then the thought of postponing even a minute of spending just made me feel sick.

Ugh. 

I was trying to tell myself to wait for age 40 to do whatever angsty travel I'm feeling like doing now. But then I think about my job and how disconnected from it I feel. 

I thought about how those last 3 months of 2021 were mentally tough and the year before had been almost life-altering. I thought about how many promises I made to myself to just get through the last 3 months of 2021 and then push through one last time for the first 3 months of 2022 and I would be done.

I don't want to break those promises to myself.

So many of my brains lie to me and get me mentally down. I don't want to do that here.

Financially getting back to Seattle or running away abroad doesn't make much sense but I still keep coming back to that.

This is the time to be shoveling money into my investments, but for whatever reason I've just lost the itch for aggressive savings. Don't get me wrong, I'm still maxing out my 401k for the year and sending a few bucks to after tax but other than that, I'm just kinda blah about the whole thing.

Even though work isn't the grind that it was, maybe I'm still associating my current role with my last role and just COVID and the general dark clouds of the last 2 to 7 years. 

Work has just been this thing to oppose that it has become the effigy of oppression even if it's not that way so much in reality.

It's weird because I don't want to do it long-term but I'm also slightly afraid of losing it. 

I'm tired of feeling so angsty about everything.

I need to do the exercise of what are the facts, what is reality, what do I want to do. 

Although I've been vacillating a bit, I can say I'm really, really proud of myself for storing my FIRE cash in CDs instead of in an index fund. At least right now I am.

I don't want to think about it.

I think I just can't spend too much time thinking about work. I start to get mixed feelings and I don't want to do anything drastic based on those feelings.