3 days left in Seattle and lots of feelings

 My default ways of dealing with distress is to remove and prevent. I want to remove whatever is causing the distress or myself if the situation is bigger than me. And figure out what I can put in place to never feel this way again. 

And then when all else fails, I accept it and dial down my hope and expectations. 

We already know by the time I moved into Death house all hope and expectations was at the last tick on the dial. By the sheer fact that I live, there is implicit hope. So hope is never completely dialed off because that would be suicide. 

We're not there yet.

I have to at least make an attempt to blow all my money first. Duh. So there's that. Thanks, FIRE. 

Some new feelings:

- I don't think I came to Seattle looking for love. But hope for love I did. I wanted a summer fling so I did the things and I got the fling. I hoped it would turn into a forever love, and it didn't. I'm trying to just enjoy the memories of the fling, but for some reason I can only focus on the lack of forever love.

I'm mostly confused on what to do next.

Am I still holding on to (and rebuking) this idea I had that God would provide me someone in Fall 2023. I don't believe that as strongly as I did Fall 2021. I can barely remember Fall 2021.

I think when I looked at things I'd relentlessly pursued with negative outcomes, in the end after 2 years I got the outcome without any of my efforts.  The two things that stick out are undergrad and getting a big girl job (out of the call center). 

They both required a lot of applications and negative outcomes. Close but never quite there. 

For undergrad, I really just had to wait for my status to be adjusted so I could afford what college I did get into. But the twist was - I probably should have just gone straight from community college into health sciences and stayed in suburban DC instead of the 10 year detour I took. 

For big girl job, I applied to over 100 jobs and ended up right back at a call center broken hearted and in Death House. Then one day a colleague referred me to a job and I eventually got it. This was like 18 months later. The twist was - they worked me to the bone and my 100 applications got me nowhere but defeated. But it's hard to say if that was a bad outcome because those extra dollars over the last 2 years really accelerated my FIRE journey, so I don't know if I should have quit looking or not. 

Now with dating, I'm trying to apply lessons learned here. I can't really tell if I'm getting closer to my goal or not. Do I take a break or keep going? I think the timing just isn't adding up for me. 

I just really want to have fun these last 2 years of pre-retirement. This is when I can more freely spend. But if I take a look around, maybe I need to be more flexible to the reality of the world around me. I am a little burned out from aggressively saving, though. And I do realistically think my time in the workforce is coming to an end. And really, part of what keeps me going is knowing that I am exiting the workforce soon.

So putting a delay on dating just feels akin to putting a delay on dating forever.

FIRE is always the priority unfortunately. It provides me the security and stability I definitely need because I can't rely on anyone else on Earth. 

So that's what I'm trying to decide here.

Do I forget about dating? Do I focus on saving?

Do I come back to Seattle? Do I go to other states? Other countries?

Let me open my eyes and see what makes sense? Lately, asking myself what I want to do has also been helpful? What is the outcome I want?

I want to fall in love and live happily ever after. Maybe I need to flesh that out some more and get a thematic version of what I hope to accomplish. 

I know I don't want to travel alone anymore. I spent the last 40 years doing a bunch of stuff alone, ok not 40, but definitely the last 7.

I don't want to do anything else (that costs money) alone anymore. Before it was all I wanted. But now I want a little bit more. The thought of a long distance relationship appeals to me because I can ease into it. You get the closeness of having someone to call without having to physically be around them all the time. Without having to be on and available. I know myself enough to know that as much as I want to be happy with a partner there has always been a part of me that would likely keep them at arm's length (probably for a long time). 

So what I want doesn't seem to jive with reality. I can't make people love me no matter how hard I tried.

So what is Option B?

I think just staying put and enjoying the down market. 

I keep forcing things. 

I do have this thought of coming back here next summer and maybe enjoying the summer. While 70s may be hotter than I like, it's certainly better than 90s or 100s in NC. So maybe staying 3 months. 

But then the thought is, will I still want to do that if dating was off the table?

Do I want to do more stuff in the community? Make actual friends? I don't know.

Then I watch whatever latest reality show and living abroad for that same length of time also sounds exciting. 

So am I resigned to another hot, sweaty summer in the Death Cabin with all its creatures. Ugh.

And maybe I loosen the budget reins a bit. Maybe I enjoy that $30k/yr spend a bit more. 

Do I take a regular vacation this fall? But what am I escaping too?

While I'd like to think there's no timeline and I have all the time and money in the world, those things just aren't true.

I am constrained a bit by finances and time. 

I won't doom myself to any rest of life plans. So maybe just the next quarter if I must.

So for Quarter 3 (July, Aug, Sep 2022), what's next?

Brainstorming:

- Work

- Eat McDs

- Watch TV

Save some money? Invest in down market? Invest in brokerage or just 401k?

Am I going anywhere?

Do I come back to Seattle?

Probably not going anywhere.

Do I get the ceiling fans? Meh. 

Upping 401k just seems so passive. I need to feel like I'm actively doing something with the extra money - either saving it or spending it. 

I think for starters and to minimize distress, it will be easier to just up my 401k contributions so that there's less actual money to deal with from my net pay. #easychoice

The other problem with getting off the dating apps is that there's no reason my brain is going to let me get back on after a year. That won't make any darn sense.

It's sad to think, what if I had desperately wanted a family or to be a mom. It sucks that that wasn't even an option. I hate that I have to be happy with what I get and can't want more. But the privilege is this is the price you pay to get to live in America.

You get some physical security and opportunities for financial stability but you risk emotional support in terms of romantic love. 

But maybe that's not even true - just my options are limited because I'm not the standard of beauty. Why am I having so much trouble bonding with my extended family. 

I think I just want to start over and there's too much history there. 

Maybe I let go of the notion of leaving Death House and NC for starters. Maybe?

Maybe I let go of big dreams.

It's just sad to give up on love. I know enough to know I'm not the kind of person that "good" things just happen to. I have to plan, be prepared, and be open to it. 

If I get off the dating apps, I'll never find love. My prayers didn't work. My life didn't work. And the prayers of my praying family members didn't work. 

So is MERJ 2.0 a woman who lives life solo forever. And the hope meter turned off. What a sad story. 

So maybe for Q3, part of that vacation money I allotted for the next 6 months can go to taxable brokerage. I know I'll need to fiddle with something. 

Actually, maybe that's exactly what I'll do. I'll divert that vacation money right at payroll that way I don't have to have the discussion. So it'll go directly to the Extra Cushion pot and I can decide to use it on a vacation (not) or to invest. And for Q3, it'll give me the option to invest while I come to terms with another hot summer in Death Cabin. Yay. 

I love that idea already. Yay, thanks, Logical Brain!

So Q3...

Nothing.

Financial:

- Up after tax

- Separate direct deposit into 2 buckets: Reg Expenses ($1.5k/pp) + Extra Cushion (balance)

Physical:

- Stay cool indoors.

- Get your rest. Do your work. Eat your food. Watch your tv. No real goals here. Minimize risk in all choices. 

- Also, I think I'm saving myself for marriage/love moving forward. It's too much risk to physical (and emotional) health otherwise. No pressure, but this is best, especially if I'm moving forward with this framework. I just read an article that said 97% of guys surveyed will sleep with a stranger so it means nothing to them. 

Emotional:

- Just keep swimming. 

- Table apps and dating for now.

- Practice solo-life. 

Hmmm... is there anything I can do with the rule of 3 here?

Like with the job applications, I definitely should have stopped after 3 applications, or three phone screens or even 3 interviews. But I didn't. I just kept using that to fuel my fire.

Maybe with undergrad, I should have stopped after 3 applications or 3 scholarship applications. It's just hard to know when to stop.

I've been on the apps more than 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 times. I've tried at least 3 apps. I've tried more than 3 cities.

I've gone on more than 3 dates. 

I've connected with at least 3 guys I'd say right? 

So yeah, maybe I gave Seattle the good ole try.

There is no One, so it doesn't matter either way.

I came. I did the thing. I'm leaving. 

I'm the only grader here. There's no real ballot taker or poll taker. I determine the outcomes here. I place the value judgement.