Back to reality, I guess

 I've deleted the contact info and messages of all the app guys I met off the app. I went on my final date last night. I was so ready to be done yesterday, but after a good breakfast, I'm not so sure.

While dating has been exhausting and ultimately I'm leaving empty handed, it wasn't all bad. Earlier, I'd assessed that Seattle is a good stopping place, a good destination spot, but perhaps not a good forever spot for me.

On the financial front, all the dudes I dated had good stable jobs. Check!

All were educated. Check!

All were progressive and liked the outdoors. Double check!

In the end it was me who was like this is way too much conversation and wokeness. I just want to eat chips and watch tv. 

But obviously, that's not completely true because that's what I've been doing for the last 2 to 7 years, and here I am. 

I don't really want to go back, but I don't really want to stay either. I don't have a reason to stay or go back, really. I think that's what sucks.

I'm impressed with the dudes I've met and their lovely friend groups. I don't even have that. I certainly made no effort to make girl friends out here.

Oh well.

I came and I saw. 

I don't think coming back is outside the realm of possibility, but I don't know what I'd be doing. Better to leave on a good note than to taint the memory.

So yes, in a moment of weakness, I reached back out to the Mormon. I think that's the third reach out, so definitely in stalker territory. I thought it would feel good just to get it out of the way, but it verifiably does not. Oh well.

I've all but paid off the vacation credit card, so that's amazing. And I didn't even have to wait for my Jun 30 check. And I was able to pay back the house fund. I can't believe I only have four days left! Wow.

How do guys have so much self-control!

Wow.

If I ever date again, the lessons learned are to never, ever pursue. You have to suffer through the silence, but the tradeoff is you never have to wonder if you need to make a move. They're not waiting for you to make a move.

I've been self-soothing. I really am alone. I missed wishing a cousin happy birthday.  Meh, I just decided against it. 

So yeah I guess the next 0-20 years is just me, myself, and I. 

I haven't even talked to my work colleague/ committee member in about 2 weeks.

And I'm okay.

I could get used to this. 

Oh and so far I at least have a temporary credit for the ZadehKicks purchase, so that's a blessing.

So this is really MERJ 2.0 (or at least 1.5). I think I'm gracing myself with the full 2 year grace period to transition out of MERJ 1.0 and all her less than optimal habits. Where will I go next? What is the theme of my life?

Just keep swimming I guess.