Not gonna lie, stings a little

 While I didn't check email last night, I did self soothe a little. I found myself listening to some 90s jams until around 11p EST. No complaints.

I didn't know Beyonce had a Spanish album! I tried learning the Spanish version of "Irreplaceable." That was fun! 

I think I'm going to get a desk chair today.

My shoulder and wrist are starting to hurt again and I don't remember them being this achy. Maybe they were. 

The last text I got from the newest Slow Fade was Tuesday night. So that's Wed and Thurs with no contact. That stinks!

All the love songs from last night said all the feelings.

Of course I'm accepting breadcrumbs. Because let's be frank, I've blown away breadcrumbs in the past thinking a loaf of bread was coming. I guess you can guess the outcome there.

Oh well.

The more I try to resist holding out hope for dating, the more I want it.

So yes, last night I was plotting my next trip out to Seattle.

An old college roommate is going to be there the week after the work trip, so I figured I could go straight from DC to Seattle.

Then I thought, maybe I try actually living in Seattle for 6 to 9 months. I could rent a place, get my car there somehow and really live.

Like actually make some friends.

The more I socialize this idea of Death House being a home base, the more I like it. 

I can't tell if my last 2 trips to Seattle are progress which means I should keep trying or failures which mean I should give up. 

Basically whatever thing I decide to do, my Brain automatically wants to do the other thing.

So if I say, just stay put and settle into solo life, I immediately want to plan every trip possible. I convince myself I should not settle and should die trying to find love. I should travel, move to Seattle, move to Italy, Rome, the UK. I should take that trip to Spain/Portugal. I should do all the things.

Then I say okay, let's think about that trip to Seattle. I mean I have my old high school friend a few hours away. I have Seattle mom that I could purpose to visit once a month. Last night my mental planning got to - well which time of year would be ideal. I think I would be more motivated to go when it starts to get hot in NC. So either March 2023 or June 2023 at the turn of summer. I could stay 6 months. This way I'll be there for the Fall 2023 dream I had last year that God was actually going to intervene (ok, Wishful Brain). Or really just to be patient and it would take 2 years like it has in the past.

But even with that Brain is like, remember college and jobbing. All those applications and no results other than heartache. If I don't start harvesting my solo life now, then when? 

Is Seattle the boy I'm still trying 'to make love me.' You know the one that lost your hut number. But I think summer in Seattle is when everyone is traveling so it feels like a lot of missed opportunity. I was thinking of even having a job or some sort of summer camp role or some sort of background purpose so I don't lose my mind.

But that's just not reality.