Where did these tears even come from

 I just had a small session of crying. I'm not sure where those tears even came from. A little bit of anxious energy from the boy. I've spent the day and last night crafting the perfect text.

Then I found myself missing the Mormon? For what? I think it's mostly feelings of rejection. And just this taunting feeling that I'm going to be alone and I failed all these attempts.

Maybe I will get that ring after all - if only to get me through this weird spell. Is it just the pressure of FIRE and this implicit inflection point. That I'm starting yet another chapter of my life without a partner (that I'm not sure I want)?

I don't know what's going on but the tears...they are a falling. 

I was trying to rationalize what's worse... to continue on this slow fade so I have some minor amusement for the summer or just cut this guy loose. I'll regret it and have negative feelings either way, so I'm really unclear.

I think Eternal Hope is going to choose Slow Fade because no contact eliminates Hope Forever. 

But Slow Fade is also a ton of pressure of making every interaction seem so high stakes.

And then I get an email from Apple that that email address apparently is tied to my phone. I had no idea! There goes my plan to delete that email address and accompanying Google Voice number.

I think I'll just stick with the Slow Fade until Summer is over (exact date TBD). And if I'm still struggling or anticipate a struggle, I'll get myself a ring. Or maybe I still get the ring now so that I can get used to wearing it. 

The chance of my summer romance extension being virtual is high. 

When I benchmark it against my 3 guardrails - financial, emotional, and physical.... Yes there is some risk to my physical health. It definitely will be a financial hit but nothing that will take me from millionaire to poverty because I'm not even a millionaire for starters. 

It's really, can I handle this level of emotional distress. Do I want it? The benefit is seeing it through and being so burned I'll be scarred for life that I never swim in this dating pool again. I might need that since I'm historically an All or Nothing girl. 

There is something else a personal blog affirmed for me. Someone was saying they don't plan their trips more than 1 week in advance. I'm sure they do it for the thrill of being early retirees and not having to plan. But for me, it's something I've been realizing about myself more and more. Anything from trips to hangs, I don't like to plan more than a day or two in advance. 

Like this work trip in about 2 to 3 weeks is already making me feel negative feelings. And the thought of spending 3 weeks with family is not conjuring up much in the way of happy. 

Even my Fantasy Trip to Seattle would leave end of July. It's not conjuring up negative feelings per se but a lot of anxiety if I actually booked anything now. I mean, I really would not have a reason to go unless the Fantasy came true and we were going to date (exclusively). I would settle for at least a committed fling but ideally would want to work on the relationship's emotional connection. Honestly, even the latter part of that sounds harrowing to me and it's my fantasy. I can't imagine bringing that up to someone. 

I think the fun part on both ends was the finiteness of our time together. 

Anyway, so I think I'm claiming that time frame for myself as well. Try not to plan things too far in advance. Like a week. Maybe 2 since working and that's just how it is sometimes. But yeah, any future trips I'm plotting, that's my guidance. I'll just have to pay the emotional tax which I was already doing but not fully vocalizing it or owning it. Just kind of thinking it was a quirk. Or something temporary. But nope, it's getting added to the list of things that make me Me.