I bought a ring and talked to a boy

 Feeling a bit accomplished today! Mind you I did quite a bit for work, but I mean the reward is the paycheck. In my personal life, the struggle is for real.

Since returning, I've struggled to get back into some of the daily routines I'd been working on. Haven't brushed my teeth or showered since the first day really. Let's be honest, I was never good at that since working from home. But I had gotten into a bit of a routine as it relates to the workday. Do some work till 12n/1p or at least idle on the computer. Then lounge in the office until nighttime. Then go downstairs as part of pre-bed routine. Then come upstairs to bed. Summer bedtime moved from the 9p it was in the fall to around 11p. 

The last week and up to yesterday, I've just been moping around upstairs. And the last 4 days I just kind of stayed in bed after I did my work tasks. Yes, the whole weekend I just lay like a lump in bed.

But I got to chat with the boy again and I feel better. I don't know. I'm not sure what to do with the anxious energy. So I guess moping around is the thing. 

Food is no longer enough of a distractor. I've had Mi Casitas 3 times now. And been eating McDs in between. Ugh. 

Yesterday, Brain was trying to convince me that I was secretly in love with the Mormon. I pretty much believed it. Then when this morning hit and it was trying to convince me I was secretly in love with My Racist Friend, I was onto her! It's a trick!

Her error was going back to Racist Friend. That's not love. But she's so convincing. She glosses over all the negative feelings and just replays the 1 or 2 highlights. Wow. 

Can you imagine having a real addiction, how difficult that would be to beat. Because at least drugs, reportedly, actually make you feel good. These old crushes were mostly a figment of my imagination. 

Here are the two things I did that is giving me an Accomplishment High. I ordered a chair on Amazon. Last week, I'd made a note to cash in some work performance rewards points for an Amazon gift card to get the chair. By the time I made up my mind to order the chair today (because my shoulder is screaming at me), I almost forgot to cash in the rewards for the gift card. 

I hemmed and hawed for a bit over what chair to get, but I knew I wanted armless. I went with the cheapest. There were 2 undesirable designs so I just went with the one the computer showed me first. I'm not fighting science on that one. 

In my angst over the weekend that bled into this week, I'd been toying with getting myself a wedding ring. A brief Google search in the angst fog led me to something called sologamy. I guess it was trendy a few years ago to marry yourself. And here I thought I was being original.

There was a lot going into this ring.

I do want the fantasy of someone committing to love me and sealing the deal with a ring. A promise. 

I had an acceptance ring when I started professional school - just as a reminder to myself that I accepted my fate. I wasn't going to be a child star amongst other things.

I don't remember when I took it off, but I did. The symbolism helped ease the transition a bit.

I'm looking for something like that. Symbolism and ceremonies are my jam. They work for me to punctuate moments and inflection points.

I'm in this strange transition period that feels hormonally charged and I'm looking for some sort of stability to help with my emotions. 

The ring is being charged with that undertaking. Also, I want the experience. I am recognizing that some of these experiences I wanted to be a part of will have to be manufactured. I think without fully acknowledging it, I am sort of on a bucket list path. I feel like I'm going to die in my 60s. Every now and then, I find myself benchmarking choices against that timeline.

Let's not go too far down that road.

So yes, I ordered the chair - which thankfully my gift card covered! And I bought the ring. There were a few rings I'd looked at before. But yesterday I'd settled on a completely unknown jeweler's site. I even forewent price comparison shopping too much. There were 3 rings the computer served up to me - 1 $65 simple gold band which is what I originally searched for. The 2nd one had three stones. The third one had a cluster of stones.

I went with the second one at twice the price. Frugal Brain shot up a red flag but I talked myself down. I even talked myself out of trying to optimize the spend. My next Independence Day is coming up. I almost went with one of the other rings because I wanted to have it either by 4th of July or debut it at my work function in mid-July. 

The ring I decided on though isn't shipping until like mid-July. That will have to be okay I guess. 

It'll be a more private ceremony with myself this way anyway.

Vows

These are some unfinished vows I'd penned in the middle of the angst fog.

I promise to stop doing things that are known to hurt you.

I promise to stop chasing big fantasies.

I vow to stay rooted in reality.

I shall do my best to protect you - emotionally, physically, and financially. 

I couldn't really find the words. The exercise led me to think what would I want someone to vow to me, and I got stuck and abandoned the exercise.

The ring

Ultimately I went with the ring with the 3 stones for the structure. I'm still me - and me still benefits from structure. 

So rings in our culture today symbolize love and commitment, I believe. The ring reminds me that I was loved deeply by my Darling Aunty.  (And it maybe the greatest love I'll know on earth. I have to be okay that romantic love may never come the way I imagined or at all. But I was loved on earth. And a lot of the stability I have come to rely on were a direct result of having that love - I just didn't know it).

The commitment is the commitment I'm making to myself to protect and keep myself safe - emotionally, physically, and financially. 

Those are the 3 stones. 

And 3 plays such a big part of a lot of things I do. 3 is the holy trinity. 3 is the right line (a mathematical insider thing). And the stones are a little bit of flair for my aunt. 

Like I said, I just wanted something to help anchor me through this transitional stage in my life. I'm not sure I'll wear it forever or that I need to wear it forever. But forget forever. I need it now to help. 

The Boy

Let's talk about him a bit. My strategy on him is changing by the minute. I know he's still actively swiping. Did I tell you I deleted my Catfish Katie profile that I started to see what he was up to. Yeah, I did. 

I just got tired of caring.

I hope we fall in love and live happily ever after. But if not, I'll actually be okay. 

Mixed bag

- We chatted via text. 

    - I wanted him to call me or say he would call me. But Rationale says it's a noisy airport, that would've been annoying.

- I wanted him to text me when he got home.

   - But Rational Brain says he already knew you'd be asleep because you said it yourself and you actually were. 

I hope within a week he makes plans for us to see each other soon. I want to give him sometime to decompress after a two-week trip. I know I'm still getting used to stuff after my trip. 

Positives from the text convo:

- He shared a pic of him and 2 members of his family. 

- He asked me how I've been.

- He was overall responsive.

- We talked about finance stuff.

- I let him know I took his advice which I think would make him feel good. I'm still trying to figure out if he likes being the resourceful/knowledgeable one or if it's a source of stress for him.

- I'm curious about his mom and his relationship with his mom.

- I'm curious what he feels a partner would contribute to his life. Using my 3 tenets, he is financially stable, has a great support system in his family and local community of friends and colleagues, it seems. And he seems to self-pleasure for his physical needs. I hope it's revealed to me through our interactions (or by directly asking) what exactly and genuinely he hopes a partner will contribute to his life. I'm well aware what we think we want differs from what may actually be true or what we'll accept.

- I attempted a (fully clothed )sexy pic and I got positive feedback on it. That helped me not feel weird and awkward. 

I'm trying to hit the parts popular media says men like - compliments/ feel good, sex appeal, a little bit of intelligence.