Alone and unrescued, June 2022 edition

 So yeah, it's 1p EST. I don't know what time it is PST because my other devices are not flashing the time right now.

I've been moping since Wednesday. That's more than 3 days, so I have to leave the house. No dates this weekend.

Surely, someone would hear my cry and rescue me.

It's so funny. I pray these prayers to God and always expect a response - to the point that I'll pray and check my email or phone. One of the pastors always advises to pray and expect a response. It's the expecting a response part that always brings me down.

It's why I don't really pray anymore.

I realized I haven't really been to church in over 10 years. Am I still Christian? I thought I was but maybe not.

I think part of why I strayed was because going to church filled me with such hope. And hope is what tears me down the most. I have to be okay with my life just as it is. 

I hate looking for an explanation or trying to work negative outcomes into gratitude. It got to the point that the last few times I visited church, I couldn't help but cry. All I could feel were fractured or untrue promises. 

In the end, I'm okay right. So why complain. So what do I need church for? I go, or don't go. And I'm still okay. 

So yes, I got out of bed to get the laptop to check the email. I was hoping someone would reach out. A boy. Any of the boys.

The last hope for my summer fling I guess is Monday or Tuesday. It's the perfect time for him to ask me if I made it home safely and to book his flight. Obviously if he was booking a flight, it wouldn't be at the last minute. I can't remember how long he's going to be gone anyway. 

I want to change my number so I can stop hoping and wishing. I want to get rid of the email address as well. 

I'm trying to hold out until the end of the year, but maybe it'll just be until June 30, or until I land back in NC. 

My next independence day is Jul 4. It'll be time for a fresh start. Back to MERJ 1.0. 

That'll be okay. 

Sweating to death in Death House seems fitting.

Yeah I guess I really did think, or hope, he would come visit me in NC at the end of his trip. But people don't make those plans at the last minute, do they? They do that now. 

And not after not contacting each other for a week. Oh well. Oh, reality, what a familiar foe, you are.

Well that solves that, doesn't it.

How do I get so caught up in the fantasy. Easy, it's a lot easier to manage than reality. 

I was hassled a bit by a black man when I went to the Mariner's game earlier this week. A group of guys was standing behind me in line. I kept wanting and waiting for them to step in and help. No one did. No one ever does. I couldn't help but wonder if it would've been different if I were skinny-white. 

The guy kept screaming, do you hate black men! 

One of the app guys kept talking about dreams and interests. But when he talked about his dreams and interests, they just seemed like goals and activities of daily living. But it really got me thinking about interview questions. I really still feel like I'm not answering them right.

So now that it's been a week and no word from Summer Fling and now that Reality is telling me he's not planning on booking a ticket when I get to NC, I felt comfortable with just closing down that number right when I get back. But Wishful Thinking me is saying obviously to message him just one more time. Because of my 0% success rate with that. 

I have to do the thing that's least distressing. There is no The One. So I have to protect myself because no one else is signing up for the job. Maybe Hopeful Brain is telling me, it'll be different when he gets back into town. He'll miss me for sure and message me. There is a part of me that wants to know. But Reality says what?

Well technically, there is a history of app guys popping back up on the app. None have ever contacted me by phone though.

Do I wait around for the pop-up? Or just cut my losses. Right now, who has my information - 4 dudes. It's an interesting theory. I love a good science experiment.