I didn't order marbles

 Life is so much easier when you want for less. It just is. Less disappointment, less dashed hopes, less sadness. 

Just endure.

Early morning and late night always give me such good pithy sayings and outlooks on life. But dare I get up and it's all gone.

I think the latest thing I thought was about dating apps. It's one of those inventions I would've fully endorsed. The app to me should serve as a marketplace where you offer your goods and services to potential buyers. In theory, it should facilitate the process. But somehow, like humans do, we've made it more complicated. I guess it is very much like Amazon then. You know how you get on there thinking you finally narrowed down the thing you want, then they start suggesting other items, and you get lost in a rabbit hole? Or is that just me.

Well the analogy I was going to make was this. Online dating to me was like, I show up to this online marketplace and search and order papertowels, but I get a box of marbles shipped to me. And I'm like but... these aren't even close to the things I asked for or you said you would provide. What the actual heck!

Oh wait, then I remember I'm me

Maybe I was coming off the dating high or the trip high or a fresh nap. I got excited and wanted to continue my version of revenge traveling. My old boss was encouraging me and the other remote workers to come on site (a few states away) to meet great-grand-boss. It was an automatic yes in my mind. Work is also having a company picnic around that time. And when I looked, one of my cousins is having a baby shower as well. And then fourth of July is pretty much next weekend. So I imagined myself spending like 3 weeks of July in suburban DC.

Then I woke up this morning and remembered, oh yeah, 3 days is the tested and tried length of time to spend with family. Maybe all that Seattle friends and family nonsense was making me see my life through distorted lenses. 

There is a part of me that wants to escape of course, but 3 weeks at my aunt's house is not it. 

And I was thinking of taking the train up, but boy would that be inconvenient.

The best part of my last escape was being alone... but was it?

I don't know. I do feel a little bad about getting my aunt excited though. 

I think I was just looking for a distraction from Boy.

I've half-decided to call him my boyfriend since I'm not really interested in any more hurrahs after this slow fades to a halt.

Yes, friends, I decided to go along with the slow fade. It will definitely help keep the summer more interesting. 

I have angst to last me until July 4. And there's June gone. That's a win!

Some tweaks on recent events. I did send a long text after he sent a lazy text because I'm still treating this as a fantasy. And of course, he wanted to hear all the thoughts in my head. I had this carefully laid out response that I practiced and rehearsed.

But of course after I sent it, I was like that's too long. 

I'm happy he checked up on me at all and then acknowledged my long-winded text.

So I guess my focus will be to play into the slow fade. As opposed to fighting it. I put the onus on him to figure out where we're going to meet next. I do love giving up the pursuit.

And I gave him plenty of room to put communication on the back burner until he returns home. Yes, we're not in burning love with contact everyday. But oh well. You get what you get. 

Positive returns

I've loved letting the few bits of communication I had with committee members go to the wayside. No more long convos or check-ins. I'm on my way to solo life. One of the things I've been slowly practicing is not calling people out. It's almost a game of letting people have the final word and say. The women around me seem to crave it. I used to fight it - like why do you get to be right and have the final word and correct me and call me out on everything. But now that it's a game, I just get to silently laugh and pat myself on the back. When I just let it go, I don't have to spend quite as much time thinking of what I could or should have said. 

I love trying to find positive ways to say things. Again, when you view it as a game, it makes it more fun. 

I'm not interested in delving much deeper with people. Everyone is in therapy these days so it does seem like you have to walk on egg shells around people before they start calling out behaviors. I can't wait for the article in x years that we as a society undergo too much therapy. You know Americans, when we latch on to something, we over do it.

Although, I'm trying to forget that Seattle trip ever happened, I will say I do appreciate my simple existence. How exhausting it must be to have an opinion about everything! I declare. I love not having to be trendy or interesting. #ordinaryForLife