Thursday reflections

 Well I have not slept well all week. I had the bright idea to open my window to let the cool air in and it's been terrible. I have a slight headache. I've been weeping. And sweaty. 

I just wonder what's the point of everything - from do I want to eat waffles to do I want to live. I know my EOL plan is a soft touch item and not at the forefront of my mind but it's been popping up. To be clear, it's mostly in contrast to why am I doing any of this. 

The scientist in me is like you might as well tryout Newtown before making a decision. 

I try to self-soothe by looking at my net worth and that does excite me a bit, but not quite enough. 

I just don't trust my feelings. 

It's really hard not to believe in a higher order of things sometimes. There's just so much messaging. I think just deciphering things is exhausting.

Male Therapist challenged me again on dating. He just doesn't get it and I always take the bait! But to not bury the lede - we broke up. I finally just said, I can only meet once in Jun, Jul, and August. And as I suspected, he wanted to know why. Grr, I have good instincts because I knew he would want to know. But then do I also trust my instincts that he's causing me more distress than good and I need to step away. I am being boiled alive yet again.

But one can't help but wonder, what's it all for.

I need to craft a new vision for my life. It has to be fantasy based because reality is not working out for me. Yeah. Even though fantasy didn't work when ....

Grr! These people keep adding work to my plate at the last minute! 

Back to regularly scheduled programming. I updated the iBond balance in my budget app and I'm officially at the highest net worth ever: $570k. Which is awesome. I also officially updated my Goal in the app to Millionaire status. The app projects 14 years, but I think I can do better. I mean, if I do nothing, it'll only take 10 years, that's just math. 

Anyway, the things keeping me up at night

- Dan - do I let it go since he already rejected me; do we agree that I'm just re-injuring myself even though I think I'm protecting myself by not going after someone new? 

- the fact that I messaged about 6 people the other day in a fit of angst and only 2 responded

- just how much work it is to get and keep Dan's attention; what exactly am I trying to achieve there; friendship seems to be the easiest glide path to romance; but it's a long game and I'm an anxious person; I half-heartedly came up with a plan to just message him every 2 weeks with unsolicited updates on my life; do it really methodical, like clockwork; the only early termination condition is if after 3 contacts (> 2 weeks apart) I get no response; so he doesn't even have to respond to all of them; just every 2 weeks, provide an update. Do it for a year. I would be more likely to stick with it, if I had a plan and an exit strategy. 

- I think just overall feeling like what's the point of moving. Does any of it matter in the end? 

- I also worry about what things are real and need consideration and what things I can make emotional decisions on. Like. Do I wait for Offerpad to spontaneously make another offer or do I just reach out and get the offer and go from there?  But am I looking for some divine or right path again? I think to settle me down, I need to find my most empirical objective - the first one is to get the house sold. 

- I think I just worry that historically, I'll just make any decision just to not have to think about something. But let's analyze what the worst case scenario is for "any decision." Nothing really, getting a bit lower price on the house I guess? But my sanity is always worth it. I think the waiting is waiting for some sort of divine confirmation. So, bump that.

Is anxiety rooted in looking for signs and Christianity and higher meaning, I wonder??