Some frustrations

 My White Male Therapist

I'm not sure why he keeps encouraging me to date. We calculated it's a 97% failure rate for me. I've explained multiple times how disastrous the last negative outcome was. And we know I haven't learned any tools to cope. 

Why do I still meet with this guy. I hate that it was easier to breakup with my female therapists but I keep going with this guy who doesn't really meet my needs. Grrr... problems. I think he's been a constant for the last 6 months or so, that I'm not ready to give everything up.

There is a part of me that wanted experience talking to a man. But I have to tell you, it's a frustrating experience. He keeps going on about property taxes and how I can always get another house. I just don't feel heard or listened to. I'm like - how many times do I have to tell you the cost of the house is covered. But it's like I'm not even part of the conversation. He just keeps talking and repeating the things I'm saying don't make sense. Maybe that's a skill I need to master. I tend to adjust my 'advice' or 'position' based on feedback of the people I'm talking to. No one else seems to do that in my immediate circle of influence. 

I still find it incredibly frustrating when people are pedantic and provide non-essential feedback. But it happens pretty often with work, with a personal colleague, and I see it on these different videos I see of people in relationships. Am I the one doing it wrong all this time? 

Also, I want to break up with him but realized we started around August of 2022 so if I make it to August of this year, that will be a year of therapy. But I'm thinking 9 months is enough. And we'll just do 1x/mon for Jun, July, Aug and I'll keep my white female therapist. I do get concerned that I'm cherry picking therapists. But is that life? Grr... I wish I would stop making every decision a dissertation defense. 

Other frustrating things about him:

- His pushing me to date; but then once I said he kept pushing me to date; and he said he didn't; but just yesterday he was strongly encouraging me to stay on the dating app (NO!)

- Not understanding why I was trying to get out of NC

- I've expressed the CBT exercises don't work and he still defaults to that when I have nothing to talk about

- Doesn't really probe for understanding about how I feel

- I was instructed to bring up things that cause me distress; and when I bring up my tears, he doesn't acknowledge or address them (said: there's nothing to solve)

- Just not understanding when I was explaining how the cost of the house factored into my decision making about moving; it's just annoying because if I'm relying on him as a sounding board and his arguments aren't sound, then why am I paying to be frustrated 

Work Lead

Grr. The girl I'm working with is an over communicator. She has a lot of meetings. And she tasked me to do something and then sent an email to the QC team that some instructions were missing. The instructions are not something I have typically had to provide. But it's a little concerning because I don't want to develop a negative reputation. 

Also, I have some anxiety about the other project that isn't really going anywhere. But I'm trying not to sweat it. 

Other

I will say eventhough I am feeling fairly sure I'm making the move to Newtown - now in mid-Aug vs late Aug - it still feels a little overwhelming. 

I'm a bit bummed about not going to Seattle. 

Somehow, eventhough I haven't gone to the beach in years, and in the 12 years I've lived in NC, only visited less than a handful times (like seriously, less than 5); now that I'm going to be landlocked, it suddenly feels like a problem.  Freaking human condition. 

Grr, there's a Crazy Girl part of me that still wants to invite Dan to come with me on my hosted visit. I know, I know.  At (almost) 40, I can confidently say you don't grow out of Crazy Girl Antics. It's a little disappointing. 

Anyway, although I'm trying to be in the moment here and enjoy my time away...here are some tentative plans for this summer (Jun - July)

Tues - pack for 4 hours, by zones

Friday - beach day (maybe every other Friday, who knows!)

And then of course Mon - therapy, I'll keep going with Female therapist for now because she is quite validating...and since they both say there are no rules ...then I'm just going to do the easy feel good thing!