Pursue my interests and do the things I enjoy

 It's no secret I'm not that attached to my current life. After a few good days, the tears are back. Today my brain is focused on my potentially harmful therapist who keeps encouraging me to date.

I bookmarked a few articles I want to share with him on what dating is like for someone like me. It turns out OKCupid published data that black women (and Asian men) are the least desirable on online dating. Amongst other things, this is the hard data I need to make a decision about dating online. 

When I delete my profiles this time around, I want it to be for good. The numbers don't lie.

I came up with two texts I want to send Dan and Sean.

Dan: Since I've misinterpreted your silence (and lack of enthusiasm) in the past, I just want to confirm. Do you really want to be friends or were you just going along with it to be polite?

Sean: Hey there! Is your life really better off without me?! (emoji)

Not sure what I'm trying to achieve. I like to group the hurt together, I guess. 

And the articles I found also echoed how black women are picked last on dating shows. And I always wondered am I the only that sees this? Why do these women sign up for this? Am I the only one looking at this as what my future is. At least one of the articles said the women are sidekicks on these shows; sidekicks to someone else's love story.

This is literally what I said to myself around the 2015 Incident. I'm tired of being a sidekick in my own life.  So it was nice to have that confirmation. 

I know what I'm going to do about the dating apps.

I don't know what I'm going to do about reality dating shows. I used to love love and romance shows. But if it causes me this much pain and triggers past racial trauma, then does it really hurt so good? I don't know yet. How many more things can I limit because the messaging is damaging? 

As for my therapist, I'm still unsure how much longer I want to keep him. Part of me wants to break up right now, but there is a part of me that still needs support - even if that support is me being boiled alive. I mean leaving behind my toxic boyfriend (the state of NC) is not as easy I thought. That trauma still haunts me and influences my behaviors. 

At the end of the day, I still benefit from having someone to talk to. But he has failed me on the things that really mattered - strongly encouraging me to date without the proper tools to cope; helping me decide to stay in NC when this is really the root of my problem; how did he miss that!; and making the offhanded comment about moving to escape negative feelings is a bad idea. Grrr. I hate him. 

But I don't know how to be free of people I don't like very much. I tried that and I'm just utterly alone.

There is a part of me trying to rack my brain to figure out how to not go back to NC at all. I wish my house would just burn down. I just need my important papers and my car. I know when I go back, I will be stuck again.

I'm not 100% there, obviously I'm still crying but I just don't want to go back. Probably a big part of it is just the labor involved with moving. But I do wonder if I need to stay 2 more months there. I've already brought my timeline up from early September to mid-August. 

Anyway, I did a cursory Google Search on living life solo (I know not having a boyfriend isn't the issue, the issue is that the option wasn't even mine to choose) and the article that popped up gave me something to chew on - pursue your interests and do the things you enjoy.

I'm wondering if this is something I can hold onto to anchor my path forward. 

And my other mantra when distressed: I am safe and I am in control. 

Well friends, in a moment of frustration, I went ahead and sent the articles to my white male counselor along with the question of why are you encouraging me to do this. I made a point to say we can talk about it in the next session for two reasons. Give him the chance to be uncomfortable for multiple days; and remove the anxiety from me for waiting for a response. 

So that feels a little relieving. Just gotta get through my remaining work meetings, then it's chicken fajitas since it's Cinco de Mayo!

Do things I enjoy and pursue my interests.

I've gone 4 months (and 8 years) without social interaction. This is what my life looks like. I can actually live alone. I might keep weekly or bi-weekly, or monthly therapy check-ins just so someone knows I'm alive. 

I don't have a good reason for not ending my life, so I still have that in my back pocket. But my loose goal of reaching 1 million dollars is officially a goal on my budget app. It's still a loose goal but we shall see. 

So I'm just going to do my best to focus on doing things I enjoy and pursuing my interests. It's unfortunate that the narrative that was sold to me was sold out by the time it was my turn in line.  Maybe I'm waiting to die. I haven't figured out yet why I put up with it. I guess being boiled alive is sort of everyone's fate. 

But I have the information I need. I don't have parents. I don't have kids. I don't have pets. I don't have any meaningful friendships or relationships with other people.  But I have a ton of money! 

Once that runs out, probably so do I.

I can find comfort in the fact that there's nothing I missed or there's nothing left to pursue and it's all just kind of aimless. There's nothing else I need to 'get right.' There's nothing I need to influence. I have no dependencies or contingencies in either direction. I have nothing left to prove. I have no one left to support or be responsible for (and vice versa).  It's just me. I think that's pretty cool. I'm literally the only person I know like me. 

Who else in the world lives their life in total isolation! No one I know. I'm completely free and beholden to no one (other than the proverbial Man). Chosen or by circumstance, this is where we find ourselves, readers.