Mood - 3 crying days this week. Yesterday doesn't really count fully because it was going through old memorabilia and realizing Aunty MERJ really loved me. I had so many cards from her and stuff I don't even remember. And apparently I had a College Friend that was really fond of me that I didn't care to notice. Interesting. Sometimes I'm more stuck in my own world than I realize.
I downsized 6 office-paper boxes down to 2. Really it was 5 down to 1 because one of the boxes is my printer. That's all that's in it. For now, it's pretty optional. I'll take it with me if it fits, but I'm not that married to the idea. So Yay me! But in the last things to make it to the chuck pile were 2 albums of memorabilia. One was not that memorable. Just a scrap book of what has turned out to be pretty insignificant memories. But one was really making me tear up.
I had some fun times. But in this moment, I'm just kind of letting it all go. I'm not in touch with any of those people and I really don't feel like spending anymore time figuring out what that means. For a few minutes, I did end up packing the albums but then at the last minute just took pictures of them. It ended up being about 114 pics and Google Photos made it very easy to create an album of those snaps. Just clicked Create album..and instead of having to individually select all of them, I just clicked 'Today' and it selected all the photos for today and then 'Add.' Done! So that helped solidify the decision. And that's how I got everything I was holding onto down to 1 box. There's still 1 box of memorabilia that I didn't feel like sifting through. I guess that will be left for the next move.
It's hard to count my time in Death House as what my life will be like, but it's the information I have. I guess after leaving my childhood home, I've just been in transit. So I've been a nomad before digital nomad was a thing. Thems the breaks, I guess.
No personalized paint colors. No wall decorations. No knick knacks. I've stayed with Toxic Boyfriend numerically more years than in my childhood home. That's unfortunate because I never considered this place home and it's unlikely in years to come, I'll even bother to mention this place. Oh well.
I wonder when I was more Christian, though, if this is why I ended up having to leave Dream School. The butterfly flapped its wings and something changed for me. Maybe.
But I think the false premise was that there was something 'better.' I think the looking for something better was where it all went wrong for me. If I really trusted God to know what's best, I could have just let Dream School go and embrace what was next.
Maybe that's where I'm going with The Algorithm. New data gets added. Dynamic pricing. It's not always better. So just a different interpretation of the same input. But it's where I am now.
Packing and Moving Update
I'm actually feeling pretty joyous. The upstairs is mostly done. Holding steady at 70-75%. I'm not as overwhelmed. Did I tell you I was getting so anxious one night that my nose was twitching?! That was a first. Mostly, I have 3 bins, 2 paper boxes, 1 crate. I think everything else in the house, I can trash and easily replace for under $500. So now it becomes more of a hectic game.
The things that I think required the most thought was culling my clothes and office papers and the other boxes.
Still a bit torn on DVDs. I technically have a DVD player. But I only used it once or twice in the last 3 years. But a couple nights ago, I was wanting to watch a movie. That might've been because I didn't have internet though. Or, actually because I've been kind of over the raunchy shows available and I need to take a break from skinny white women falling in love.
So maybe I'll keep a select number of DVDs. And maybe the DVD player? It's a bit bulky. We'll see.
Oh, but I'm on 3 day bedrest because I realized I was getting tired after what would seem like a full morning of packing, and it was only 1 hour. And I just wasn't motivated to do work or pack. I thought it was stress. But I think I'm just under the weather. And with strangers in and out of my house; no masks; traveling; mental churning. I need a break. So 3 day bedrest until Tuesday worktime or Monday 5p. I'm still not packing on Monday though. But I do have a therapy appointment on Monday, so I'll be up for that.
I bought myself some snacks and feel good easy food yesterday. Including 2 kinds of popcorn and 2 kinds of chips. And apples. It probably doesn't help that I've exclusively eaten McDonald's since I got back. That's why I got the apples and PB. I haven't been that hungry so McDonald's was the easiest choice for something not that filling. And cheap.
I bought this house to die in...
Remember, how I used to think and feel that. When the inspector and buyer's rep were here they gave positive comments that the house was well kept. It was nice to hear because I love compliments. But it just reminded me that I never intended to stay here. I only ended up buying the couch and washer/dryer after the Incident. Now it's been a chore to get rid of.
I realize now why I've been apprehensive about selling stuff. It's a lot more variables that I couldn't think of ahead of time. People asking for delivery; shady things. I realize now that this lady has paid for stuff but didn't really make a plan to come pick it up. So now I have that in the back of my mind of what am I going to do if she doesn't come and it's kind of lost opportunity of someone else coming to get it. But it'll be annoying, but money can solve it. I'm mentally giving her until next Sunday then I'm reposting it.
Overall though, I'm happy with my moving progress. If I want, I can just dump everything. But it's kind of like I'm packing for 2 trips. Newtown and Summer.
Anxious Brain was like well what happens if by the time you're ready to sign-up for Landing Standby, the program goes away. Well that would royally suck. Considering the price went up $200, it feels like a possibility. I'm not sure what I'll do, probably just book the cheapest rental I could find. I thought about booking an AirBnB but the trauma came back, so hard pass.
I'm not even thinking about it. No contingency plan.
For today,
- I'll probably stay in bed until 12n because...bed rest.
- Eat some scrambled eggs and ham or tuna salad and boiled eggs.
- Watch some shows.
I overall feel good. I've been tempted to join the online communities in NewTown but I'm trying to get all the housing stuff settled.
Oh! I love the internet sometimes. Rhitter is also moving, so it's nice to see her progress and lists because they're a lot like mine.
The buyer said they will shut off the utilities. But I will probably still plan to cancel internet as I don't think that counts as basic utilities.
And next on my list is Change of Address. I will probably still do a change of address form with USPS but I'm undecided if I'll change my address with the institutions themselves until I move into my new place. Since for now it feels temporary, I'm not sure what I'm going to do.
I think for work, I'll probably still keep my current address and just change it at the beginning of next year just to make filing taxes easier.
I'll probably check some balances eventhough I kind of want to wait until next year.
I actually switched the HVAC from AC to heat yesterday. In May in the South! That's a first.
I can't believe I'll be moving out of here in 3 weeks! Wow. After a dozen years, it all just happened so fast.
My therapist was right, not being here stuck in the trauma really gave me the clarity. I think it was just easier to imagine myself not living here when I was actually not living here. Why it didn't happen when I was in Seattle is unknown. I think largely is because I didn't have a next destination picked out. It's not a big mystery.
Anyway, the next thing I want to do is still frugalize my clothes. But this requires more thought than actual labor. It's hard to imagine what I might want to wear, so I'm trying to standardize it under a theme. So far I got cozy, comfortable, confident. What makes me feel good. I don't like pants, so they all went into the donation pile. But I realized I had a lot of tops and no bottoms except for stretch pants. So for now, I'm thinking for Fall clothes it'll be stretch pants, the tops I have and plan to purchase a long cardigan to cover my bottom.
Now that I'm not dressing for dating, I can buy clothes I feel good in, not what might appeal to someone else. And confident doesn't have to mean trendy or fashionable. I'm confident in clothes that feel good to wear. Even if it's not classically sexy. But it's admittedly a bit of a fine line. Because I'm also comfortable in really frumpy clothes. But maybe not confident because I feel frumpy.
I've averaged being on site for work 2x/yr the last 2 years. So there was some concern about keeping some semblance of work clothes. But they're pants and uncomfy. I just flashback to pants digging into my belly. Ugh, no thanks.
I've got the outfits I wore the last visits, so I'll just keep those and roll with it.
At 30, I felt confident with my decision-making and data points I had. At 40, I feel confident with how little things matter and how understated their longevity needs to be. And how no one really knows what they're doing. It feels like everyone is playing the Game of Life instead of actually living. You know how they say, imagine people in their underwear when you get nervous on stage. Now that I'm older, that's how I see it. After they're done playing pretend everyone goes home and poops and farts and do weird things.
Sertraline
I'm taking the bottle of 90 pills with me. But for now, I decided to just keep it in my arsenal. It kind of resets my 3-Step Plan to EOL. It's now the next Step 1 if I get back to the Valley of Despair. Somehow that seems scarier than my original plan...only because the side effects are unknown.
Wrapping Up
I think that's it for now. I'm moving. I'm packing. The buyer is in due diligence for the next 10 days, give or take. But I'm moving regardless.
Gas Station Sushi
I almost forgot! So one of the things I learned from my therapist was that when I reached out to an old Crush, I was looking for connection. So now, I can think...if I'm looking for connection, am I really going to get it from this dud. Nope! It's like buying your groceries at the gas station. You might find a few things, but it'll be dusty and old, probably expired, and definitely over-priced. The gas station is not where you buy groceries! Or even worse, it's like gas-station sushi. It might seems like it's what you want, but when you get sweating diarrhea in a few hours, you will regret that decision. The gas station is not where you get groceries or sushi! It's a sham! But sometimes, it's convenient, and you might pay the price later. So, that's pretty much a good analogy for me. Looking for connection with a dud is like gas station sushi.
Signs
I took down all my signs and life posts and mantras and life objectives. I might need them, I might not. The primary objective was getting the office ready for the move. They helped, I guess. But I don't have any more long term goals to achieve. That's just it. Yeah, it did help for work because it reminded me of what I wanted - work from home and save.
The other posters... I don't know... I think their usefulness has expired is the best I can come up with.
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