Anxious feelings keeping me up at night

 I don't know how long I've been trying to sleep for but it's now around 2:30a. I can't sleep. Physically, I'm hot, then cold. I'm not sleeping in what I usually sleep in which is a tank top and panties. Although the first week or so it was sweats because it was very drafty and the heat was inconsistent. 

I also ate too much. I was going to get some Mediterranean food which was probably going to be a bit light, yet filling but that place is closed on the weekends. Then Maps suggested a Malaysian food place. I checked the menu and it had the roti canai and curry that I remember so fondly! I had to go!

I got 3 dishes and ate a lot of each. One was spicy but I kept eating. I'm paying the price now. I fell into a food coma and that has completely disrupted my sleep hygiene. Oh, but it hurt so good!

So now I'm left to fend with anxious feelings (intrusive thoughts?): 

- replaying an exchange with a co-worker over a source table...I don't understand why it suddenly feels like I'm surrounded by people who don't let things go! Am I a pushover or are these people overly concerned about nonsense? I can't decide if I've reached enlightenment or they have. It's just tricky with the workforce because you don't know what will come back to haunt you because unless you're a superstar, it's not always about the quality of your work

- my male therapist...grrr... for whatever reason those exchanges are on replay along with the angst of the upcoming conversation

- my toxic relationship with NC/ indecision

         - I can't help but wish the house would burn down and I could walk away from it, not having to pack or anything

        - I just came to the conclusion that for decisions where cost fails to be a decider, that the next thing to look at is emotional cost, ie the risk to my emotional stability. But that is just so difficult to quantify.

What we know

- I want to get out of NC - sooner? later? what makes the most sense?

- I want to delay getting to Newtown as close to Sept as possible. Reason being, I think I'll have anchor bias and the momentum I need if I start my new life in the Fall when the weather is more reasonable and I just feel more people will be around in the fall vs summer. 

So I don't know what to do with Jun, July, and August. There are a few iterations I've gone through including going back to Seattle, staying in Philadelphia a while longer, going to beach vacation in Mexico in July....

There is a burgeoning part that is thinking just get out of there so you can stop thinking about it. I like that answer the best, but it's more logistics. As I type this, there is a part of me that just wants to go with the flow of this house sale instead of picking up and starting over in a few weeks. 

Just checked and it looks like I get some sort of communication from OfferPad every 1-2 weeks, so we shall see what happens at the two week mark. I'll still be in Philly. Although I said I wouldn't do anything while I was still away, I just might.

But this is what I mean. Am I being impulsive? Am I acting on temporary feelings? 

I pretty much spend much of today just writing down thoughts and plans. And finally had to say enough. I'm hoping to give myself the week off from thinking about this so I can at least enjoy my time here. 

The sun came out and it was glorious, I must say. But it's confirmed that even on a sunny day, the apartment is still dark. Other than that, I love living downtown. I like the vibe here. There are people of all ages. I realized it'd been awhile since I saw babies in a city. I don't remember seeing that many in Seattle. And young people as well. There was a youth softball game just right across from the Whole Foods in the middle of the city. Wild! So there's old looking people. Young kids and actual babies being pushed in strollers. I like this part of downtown because it's got the conveniences but is quiet at night and kind of shuts down during the weekend. It's more business district. But it's still really convenient to shops and stores. I'm walking distance from 2 Trader Joe's, a Target, and a Whole Foods! (Also a couple drugstores - but hopefully not something I require in the short or long-term. I'm sure there's more I haven't discovered. I see a lot of city buses and there's a train station somewhere. If I moved here, I would live in this neighborhood for sure. Just probably want an apartment with more natural light! 

Interestingly enough, a renewal notice came in under the door, and the apartment is going for about $2k/month. That's hefty, but I would pay it. I budgeted about $2500 for housing and utilities if I moved to Philadelphia, so that was just confirmation that my estimates were in line with the current market. 

I feel sleepy but I'm too full and heartburn threatens to come up and I'm warm from my fat belly and spicy food. 

Also, I messaged Dan yesterday. He actually asked me questions. That was nice. I passed a Hot Pot place that reminded me of him. I know I'm romanticizing our interactions but what else am I to do. The only person I have to talk to is an internet blog. 

It's just weird that this is my life. 

I think I've all but given up on trying Pilates while I was here. It was just a default suggestion in case I was looking for something to do. I do want to get a couple snaps of the liberty bell and LOVE sign. Luckily I passed Reading Market on the way to the Malaysian place, so that counts. 

I'm sleepy....