Just passing time

 I have 15 minutes before my next therapy session. I had a week of crying, but in this moment I feel like I have nothing to talk about. I'm so tired of talking about dating. It's like such a small part of my life but at times feels so tremendous. It's weird.

I know a partner isn't going to solve any of my problems, but it would be a nice to have. But why do I get stuck in this rejection loop. 

Like how do I go from feeling so distraught on Friday to today being kind of meh. My circumstances haven't changed. When I think about being rejected or alone, it still stings but it doesn't feel as actionable. I don't get that. 

Then I googled Sertraline horror stories and read about brain zaps. Fine, they occur. What I don't like, is that even after stopping the medication, some people reported the zaps never stopped, years down the line. 

For someone who still has spasms from the breast biopsy done over a year ago. And dry skin from birth control; and just general unwellness from my hysterectomy, I feel quite susceptible to long-term side effects way after the fact. 

And there's no promise with the drug. There's no 'normal' I'm trying to return to, so I can't even say that I'm missing out on this known quality of life. Yet the known side effects are right there. So to me the benefit is the unknown and the risks are the known.

Seems like an easy No, right?

10 minutes more.

Some days I feel glad I'm in Philly. It gave me the clarity of how silly living in NC is. So yeah, maybe therapist was right (female therapist that is), it's hard to get unstuck when you're living in the trauma. Yeah, the trauma narrative has stuck. It's a good fit for what happened to me the last 12 years. It was traumatic and terrible and toxic. 

Right now, I feel some excitement about moving and moving on. Give me 5 minutes and I'll question what the heck I'm doing all this for. There's no long term goal. But maybe that's okay. We already established there's no special prize for living 'the best life' or making the most correct decisions. You know one thing I've noticed between me and male therapists and men in general. Women tend to modify behavior when corrected or something goes wrong. Men don't.  You say something you don't like or hurts your, they just pig headedly keep doing it. It's like they wait for you to change and accommodate them. While women accommodate without even being asked. 

So no wonder, I'm constantly jumbled up. I keep modifying my behavior to fit the situation and it turns out everyone wants a different set of modifications. When did I become the ADA office... I got to stop that nonsense! I think it was something I saw with Robert from my last team but couldn't quite vocalize what I was seeing.

But it's becoming clearer. Men just bulldoze right through you. It's why they rape and commit violence. People put up stop and yield signs and they don't have the conditioning to accommodate, so they just keep bulldozing through. Obviously, it's not the only reason criminals commit crimes, but I'm just thinking out loud.

It's something that I'm noticing in the workplace and in social situations. When did we learn to accommodate? 

It's the self-help books geared toward women. I've always believed women have evolved while men stay the same. Why are we constantly in survival mode, though? Why! How tiring!