Sunday evening reflections

 As Sundays are wont to do, my loneliness abounds. I realize I feel it strongly when I'm hitting milestones and there's no one to share them with. We grow up celebrating and announcing milestones with others. 

Luckily, I found an online meetup that starts in half an hour. So I'm trying to kill time to motivate myself to attend. 

Sundays are hard.

I created a countdown to my Move. 76 days. Maybe I'll update at least weekly..on Sundays, how that is going. 76 more days. Some more data came in and I tried to see if I could make September work, but at this point, I wish I were moving in this upcoming weekend. It's too late to register for one of the featured events though. And July, well with the work trip, it'll just be easier to stay local for a bit longer. 

It's really hard to say how I'm going to make it 76 more days. I know I have to stick around here till closing and practically until July, but honestly I'm eager to just move on.

All that to say....Where September seemed ideal and August was too soon, now August can't come soon enough. I'm glad though in all my mix of emotions, some negative, that some excitement still pops up. 

I relooked at my schedule, my proposed schedule of structured events, and so far I have 4 a week that involves other people. That's a lot of potential! And I know it's achievable because I don't have to plan it; nor do I really have to like it; I just have to attend! And it's really only for 3 or so months. I fully intend to hibernate for winter and not feel an ounce of guilt. So ideally, I'll frontload my social activities so that I can have a restful winter. 

I'm glad I gave myself 30 days to close. It really lit a fire under me. Eventhough I'm on bed rest for three days, I'm confident, I don't have much left to do. And honestly, the more I think about it, the less items I actually want to pack-up and take. Though a bit early, I can very well see myself easing into everything goes into the black trash bag. And just be done with it!

But yeah, I spent quite a bit of time trying to refit my dates or plan some activities. But I'm all but sure, I'll be sticking around the South for 4 weeks after I close. 

But it's really hard to think past the Move. I just want to get that out of the way. But that's probably the Anxiety talking. But no, I don't think I'll feel better. I just think I'll have a better vantage point of how I want to spend my summer. 

But yeah, I don't always reflect back on decisions. But now that I have a good bit of the packing done, which I was afraid would feel rushed. I feel good about 30 days. Honestly, if not for this sickness, I wish I had given myself 2 weeks. Just take the guesswork out of everything! But on the flip side, I'm glad I didn't give myself all summer. That would have been one anxiety-ridden summer.

It's nice to be in the virtual company of other bloggers going through similar life transitions though. I'll deny it if you ask, but a little part of me is hopeful. Of what, I don't know. I know it'll be a success just by going. I'll have met people and socialized just by going. That's more than I've done in the last 3 years here in the South and definitely more than I've done in the last 8 years.

I realized, I had no visitors in Death House. Not a single one. I didn't have one in the Studio either, except for Aunty MERJ. Oh well. 

In helping to prep for Newtown, it might help to ease my anxious fingers to make a solid top 3 list of places. Sometimes I want to dream big. Instead of getting excited about a cheap studio (which I am!), I want to think even beyond a 1 bedroom. What if I had a 2-bedroom so I could have office space. I do need a desk, to work after all. 

One other thought I had was after the big submission in 2024, I might want to look for something else in the Big Function. But those are Sunday thoughts. Rationally, I have a sweet gig. It's just if they start asking me to do more and my free time and stress level suffers. For a paygrade up, I already kind of knew that I would be open to going back onsite. There's a site location in the South. Weird right. That's how motivated by Money I am! 

I would come back to Toxic Boyfriend for the Right Price. For the posting I saw, the other locations were way pricier and just way more hectic. 

Only 7 more minutes until the meetup starts. 

One good thing that 40 offers me is that there are UNEQUIVOCALLY no more stones of friendship to overturn. They are all overturned and all that's there is moss. As I pre-emptively feared women with kids have no time for strong friendships. That's just facts. It's nothing I need to fight. Just work around. 

And the most salient lesson I got from almost a year of therapy is that there are no rules. So filling the next 12 months with distraction is the mission. While I'm leaving Death House, the mission doesn't really change. It may not be in the foreground, but the soundtrack plays on.