Wed Reflections

 Is it really only Wednesday. I had an early morning meeting with Bruno and Sidekick...can I just call her the Dragon? It ruined my day.

But I went out to get my hair done. And I happened upon a post office. And a Thai restaurant. So I got my hair washed and blow-dried with only minor 1st degree burns. I got 3 change of address cards. And I got pork and basil. I was looking for veggies but got a bowl of meat instead. What are you going to do?

I tried to stop at McDs for a $1 Icee but the promotion must have ended.

But the Thai food was yummy.

As for Bruno and Friends, she really just gets under your skin and will bicker about the smallest things. Today, it was acronyms. Really. The time before it was someone's name. I wish she would die. Yeah, that sounds drastic but that's how I feel. I don't want do any harm to her but I wish she were not a part of my life. 

I feel ganged up on and I knew this meeting was going to focus on me. And it did! What can I do different next time? Honestly, I don't care that much. I'm not spending any more time correcting my behavior for anyone. I'm Almost 40 for God sakes. I'm done with the modifications. Against popular opinion, I'm not interested in continuous improvement.

I'm fine the way I am. If the Brunos and Dragons of the world are allowed to exist, than so shall I!

The only concern is if somehow this affects my job. So I just have to re-assure myself that it doesn't. And even if it did, I would be fuming mad, but financially okay. The plan for any sort of separation is to look for a year and if unsuccessful, early retire.

Other things making me anxious:

- This dumb Internet Lady, as feared, is not planning to come pick up this stuff this week. Groan. I think I will move forward with my plan to re-list the 1st floor stuff once I hear back from my House Buyer.

- Waiting this due diligence period. At a low level, I think I just have to be concerned with how much they're going to want as a credit for repairs. At a high level, there is the possibility they could cancel the purchase altogether. Their communication doesn't say that, but I think that is standard for a due diligence period. 

- For the third time, a portion of my Direct Deposit is getting returned from Dumb Bank. I hope HR doesn't notice the trend and say something! I've emailed Dumb Bank twice now and usually they respond in a couple hours but for some reason, that has stopped. 

- Paying my therapist. 

So my next date of anxiety-relief is next Tuesday. Luckily, it's an errand day, so I'll be more motivated to get stuff done. 

I'm pretty happy I got most of my work tasks done today. I have one more medium-lift task that I think can wait until next Wed.

So next Tuesday I should be free to get other  errands done and do some more packing. 

I lost my train of thought because I suddenly decided to do a BillPay to pay for therapy for the rest of the summer. It's been stressing me out to get these emails from the Operations Person at the therapy office. And Zellle is not instant! 

Things I'm happy about

- Making so much progress with packing!

- Sorting my fall clothes and having a plan!

- I finally got my IRS refund...all $200-something dollars of it! (At least it didn't come with an audit!)

- Just having a path forward with all this packing. Maybe I'll get a burst of energy and be done with the upstairs..that would be swell!

- Oh finally getting some clean hair! 

I'm still going to mentally proceed with packing my stuff because I'm moving no matter what, just the dates might be off. Thinking out loud..if for some reason the contract gets cancelled....I'll probably stay put until at least my work meeting in July. And go from there! (Look at me being flexible!)

74 days and counting

 It's Tuesday. Reflections.

Not much. I happened to remember to RSVP for another online boardgame meetup. It's a game I played in person in Seattle pretty regularly but that was a few months ago now. So I'm waiting for that to start.

It was quite warm today so switched the heat back to a/c. A committee member mentioned someone died of COVID just this weekend. Wow! So I don't feel so crazy wearing my mask around still.

The neighbors. The people across the lane are quite attention seeking. I have seen and heard this woman just about everyday since she moved in. There are now 3 kids and a young adult living there. There is a man she was shouting out over the weekend for an extended period of time. I wonder what the neighbor next to her must think. I've never seen her but she gets a few deliveries. 

The online data seems to say the loud neighbor is a home owner, but I don't buy it. I think just because I don't really remember seeing anyone come look at these places, but I could be wrong. And actually, when a potential renter came by looking, I don't remember her saying she wasn't a renter.

Nothing really happened today at work or personal life. No new news on the Housing front. No interaction from work. I submitted my expense report from my most recent work trip. It was under $1000 which was surprising. I splurged on some snacks and a few meals but it was barely noticeable. 

This gives me more confidence to spend a little bit more. 

I found a Space Bag I think I might use for my overflow clothes. I went through the bin marked "Spring/Fall" clothes yet again. And I got frustrated because I still couldn't get it 70% full. It was near the top. So I just stared and stared and stared. I decided to just try to use a clear bin for any overflow because the Winter clothes bin was too full as well. 

But once I remembered the Space Bag, I finally got off the couch and repurposed it for the overflow. So the overflow is mostly clothes I'm not sure what to do with and I don't want to get rid of quite yet. 

A few extra sweaters because I'm out of practice getting dressed for social events. Especially in cold weather. 

One new development as I sorted the Spring/Fall clothes is that I actually have at least 10 dresses, majority are new so I'm not sure how they feel on or for 8 hour wear. Where I was thinking I had no real bottoms and would just resort to stretch pants and an oversized cardigan, I think the new plan is to use the dresses for both seasons. In the Spring wear them with stretch pants, and in the Fall wear them with a shirt underneath. This simplifies things considerably. And now I'm less worried about not having bottoms. This will be my default outfit pairing. Ideally, if this works I can probably trim down the long sleeve tees to 2 or 3 warm fitted ones.

(OMG - the bickering with Loud Neighbor and her male partner has restarted!)

It's weird how attention-seeking some people are. I've never seen this played out in real life like this. 

Anyway, figuring out a solution for the clothes has been awesome. So I've moved from 70% done to like 80%. It's as sorted as it's going to be. And I moved 3 more items to donation. 

The only thing left really is stuff I have in laundry and my suitcases from my work trip.

Current plan is just to live out of the Purple suitcase for the summer, so I will likely just keep whatever it is I have packed. It's all pretty easy wear/ washable stuff and I don't have any big plans where I'll need specific outfits. I might just pack a bathing suit because I don't have any solutions for keeping cool yet. I hope to be near a lake at some point this summer because it's unlikely I'll make it to the ocean. 

I am also thinking, I'd liked to be fully packed and the house emptied by June 11, a week before I move to my short-term rental. I even listed some potential take out places to make sure meals would not get in the way. I had a lot more options than I thought! So that should be a fun week. 

Because July looks so vast with not much to do, I looked again at the dates to see if I wanted to move to Newtown sooner. But it's still looking like August will be a better choice. 

I'll still plan to use the short term rental for at least a month. And once I'm done with work trip, try to head in the general direction of Newtown. I'm trying to find some way to make this part adventurous instead of mindless/anxious waiting. 

So far I came up with movie nights with myself. Of just stuff I have online. The desire to keep the DVDs has waned significantly. 

I'm unsure if I want to keep all the COVID masks I have. I never really wore the N95 respirators except for once so I have them in the pile for donations. But now that I think about it and the fact that people are still dying. Maybe I'll pack a few for the winter. I will be in a new place and while I plan to hibernate, I do have some activities planned I might still want to attend. 

Bye for now. 

75 Days and counting

 So my online countdown saved my information, so that's great. It's now a bookmarked link on my iPad.

75 days until Newtown!

I was browsing their website and saw they had a state fair. I totally forgot about the state fair! So now, I'm excited! That's one more thing I can add to the list of things I can do! 

And they  featured some restaurants. Ideally, I can add them to my list of places to try. If I remember.

Some reflections from today.

- I clogged the toilet. Gross.

Too much bread. So now I'm a bit cautious about eating too much bread.

I still have an urge to binge eat something and watch a TV show. It's early evening so maybe a mindless sitcom.

I watched 2 old people shows today and it was definitely the way to go vs true crime/ reality dating. I feel nothing after watching them. Just simple amusement.

I like Jerry and Marge because it reminded me of what I thought I could do as a child brainiac. But that never materialized. 

Therapy was good today. No tears. I'm really glad I'm getting rid of that Old Man. 

Still nervous about when that Internet Lady is going to come by and get this stuff but I'm just mentally preparing to pay the $600 to get this crap out of here. Plus about $200 to $300 for a cleaning because I have no desire to do it myself. Money solves problems. 

I will probably get early pay tomorrow and hopefully it will help my eligibility with a credit builder account. This is literally the time when I have so many high spend items coming up that I could use some credit card bonuses and bupkiss. That's annoying. 

My new manager already sent out invites for our every other week 1 on 1s. 

He sent one in June and the next one starts a series that begins in August. So it looks like July will be a slow month, at least on that front. 

But the June one is around my closing date. And the one in August is around my projected move-in date. So that will be fun to finesse. 

I'm so ready to start booking stuff, namely my travel in August. My vacation time in December. Ok, I guess that's it. 

I'm soooo curious what my 1st half of the year spend will be after this is all over.

I spent some time looking at the real estate market in my area to see if there was anything I missed. This was spurred by the fact that one of the houses across the street had some cleaners come and I didn't think anyone had even moved in. So I was curious if it was a rental or owner-occupied. It shows as purchased in March and it's not on the market for rent, so we shall see. 

But Zillow was zestimating that property at like $200k so that shocked me and that led to some clicks. But I feel pretty good at the offer I accepted if it turns out to be as low stress as I hope. 

Then another blog post I read reminded me that mortgage rates are really high right now, so that helped bump up my confidence too. 

I'm just rambling because I have nothing else to do for 4 hours before bedtime. 

My therapist encouraged me to assert myself (and set some boundaries) with the Internet Lady to come get this stuff. So I'm not looking forward to that tomorrow. I might even leave it till Wed because tomorrow might be an easy day for me.

Try as I might, everytime I try to read an ebook,  I get distracted.

A part of me is looking forward to getting more packing done, but I love a free day, so we shall see. I'd like to be completely packed and ready to go by Jun 11, and just live out of a suitcase for a week, chilling. 

If this week turns out to be a dud, I'll probably have a fire lit under me when the inspection report comes back in another week or so. So, I'm not too too worried. 

I relooked at my numbers and if I want to stay under $1500/mon all in, I will will have to look for a base rental price in the $1150-1200 range to still be able to rent furniture. Which I still want to do!

Ok, that's enough rambling. I want to eat some apples and binge watch something.

Oh! I forgot the early breakthrough! I realized trying to invite Last Boy to Newtown to be my emotional support animal...while cute in my head....is a direct play from my Self-Destructive Playbook! It's gas-station sushi. So, I'm not doing it. I'm so glad I saw it this time. My gosh! The disguises Trouble wears! 

Sunday evening reflections

 As Sundays are wont to do, my loneliness abounds. I realize I feel it strongly when I'm hitting milestones and there's no one to share them with. We grow up celebrating and announcing milestones with others. 

Luckily, I found an online meetup that starts in half an hour. So I'm trying to kill time to motivate myself to attend. 

Sundays are hard.

I created a countdown to my Move. 76 days. Maybe I'll update at least weekly..on Sundays, how that is going. 76 more days. Some more data came in and I tried to see if I could make September work, but at this point, I wish I were moving in this upcoming weekend. It's too late to register for one of the featured events though. And July, well with the work trip, it'll just be easier to stay local for a bit longer. 

It's really hard to say how I'm going to make it 76 more days. I know I have to stick around here till closing and practically until July, but honestly I'm eager to just move on.

All that to say....Where September seemed ideal and August was too soon, now August can't come soon enough. I'm glad though in all my mix of emotions, some negative, that some excitement still pops up. 

I relooked at my schedule, my proposed schedule of structured events, and so far I have 4 a week that involves other people. That's a lot of potential! And I know it's achievable because I don't have to plan it; nor do I really have to like it; I just have to attend! And it's really only for 3 or so months. I fully intend to hibernate for winter and not feel an ounce of guilt. So ideally, I'll frontload my social activities so that I can have a restful winter. 

I'm glad I gave myself 30 days to close. It really lit a fire under me. Eventhough I'm on bed rest for three days, I'm confident, I don't have much left to do. And honestly, the more I think about it, the less items I actually want to pack-up and take. Though a bit early, I can very well see myself easing into everything goes into the black trash bag. And just be done with it!

But yeah, I spent quite a bit of time trying to refit my dates or plan some activities. But I'm all but sure, I'll be sticking around the South for 4 weeks after I close. 

But it's really hard to think past the Move. I just want to get that out of the way. But that's probably the Anxiety talking. But no, I don't think I'll feel better. I just think I'll have a better vantage point of how I want to spend my summer. 

But yeah, I don't always reflect back on decisions. But now that I have a good bit of the packing done, which I was afraid would feel rushed. I feel good about 30 days. Honestly, if not for this sickness, I wish I had given myself 2 weeks. Just take the guesswork out of everything! But on the flip side, I'm glad I didn't give myself all summer. That would have been one anxiety-ridden summer.

It's nice to be in the virtual company of other bloggers going through similar life transitions though. I'll deny it if you ask, but a little part of me is hopeful. Of what, I don't know. I know it'll be a success just by going. I'll have met people and socialized just by going. That's more than I've done in the last 3 years here in the South and definitely more than I've done in the last 8 years.

I realized, I had no visitors in Death House. Not a single one. I didn't have one in the Studio either, except for Aunty MERJ. Oh well. 

In helping to prep for Newtown, it might help to ease my anxious fingers to make a solid top 3 list of places. Sometimes I want to dream big. Instead of getting excited about a cheap studio (which I am!), I want to think even beyond a 1 bedroom. What if I had a 2-bedroom so I could have office space. I do need a desk, to work after all. 

One other thought I had was after the big submission in 2024, I might want to look for something else in the Big Function. But those are Sunday thoughts. Rationally, I have a sweet gig. It's just if they start asking me to do more and my free time and stress level suffers. For a paygrade up, I already kind of knew that I would be open to going back onsite. There's a site location in the South. Weird right. That's how motivated by Money I am! 

I would come back to Toxic Boyfriend for the Right Price. For the posting I saw, the other locations were way pricier and just way more hectic. 

Only 7 more minutes until the meetup starts. 

One good thing that 40 offers me is that there are UNEQUIVOCALLY no more stones of friendship to overturn. They are all overturned and all that's there is moss. As I pre-emptively feared women with kids have no time for strong friendships. That's just facts. It's nothing I need to fight. Just work around. 

And the most salient lesson I got from almost a year of therapy is that there are no rules. So filling the next 12 months with distraction is the mission. While I'm leaving Death House, the mission doesn't really change. It may not be in the foreground, but the soundtrack plays on. 

Sunday Reflections

 Good morning! I was just mopey, yesterday. This morning I feel great. I'm looking forward to getting all my stuff packed up and moved out.

I'm a bit annoyed that I got a bit hood-winked with the internet stranger. I suspect she's just holding on to this stuff and will not be able to move it out. So I am mentally preparing to relist everything.

I'm giving myself the next 2 weeks to be completely packed. So that the last week, I'm just living out of my Summer Bag. No cooking, no rugs, nothing. Ideally, the only thing remaining that week would be my bed. 

I have no idea what my work load will be like because the timelines keep shifting.

I got a little nervous yesterday about my upcoming workload but it looks like next week will be pretty light. So I don't even have to complete my tasks Tuesday if I get in the mood to pack. I can wait until Thursday! Yippee! 

I looked up adult ballet and Newtown has a few studios that offer it. I looked at 3 and one was a perfect fit because it went by semesters! I just loved that. It fits in line with my back to school theme. And the price was right! Yay, to the algorithm. 

I'm also feeling more motivated to trim down my clothes I really want the bins to just be partially full. And now that I have tentatively decided on what my cool weather look will be, that should help. Plus, MERJy, you can always buy more! 

But, yeah, so far I'm proud of the progress I made and I think the rest will be time consuming but easy to pack. Packing up dishes mostly. Which I'm not sure how to store. Maybe the glass stuff, I can stuff between clothes and linens. I'll take my rice cooker; nix the Crock Pot; my pots; and dishes. I kind of want new stuff to be honest, but we'll see. 

I was thinking of sitting downstairs today to make sure I sat up vs laying down all day. But this rainy weather makes me want to stay upstairs in bed. I am on bed rest after all!

I think today will be more of the same - eating and lounging and snacking. I already picked out a couple things on Paramount Plus that shouldn't be too distressing. Next time it's really warm, I might snuggle up with some old movies downstairs on the couch that I never used. 

There was a part of me that was trying to think of something wild and adventurous to do this summer. I still want a beach getaway!! But the algorithm wasn't giving me any desirable results. So I'll just table that until the next wave comes. Funny, when I was in Philly and thinking about not having access to the beach anymore, I thought I'd do some final goodbyes to things I would miss. But it almost feels like that moment has passed.

In this particular moment, I don't care that much if I don't go to the beach this summer or before I leave. It's not really a priority. And I'm especially not trying to unpack anything. Call it one track minded, but I'm trying to just get out of here. Even though, it's not June 11th yet, I'm still not really trying to unpack things. Once it's packed, I want to leave it like that. 

So yeah, for now, I think the plan is to be okay with spending 30 days with Landing Standby in the South. that way I'm local for closing and for my work trip in July. And after I move out, if something comes to me to do during that time, I'll go from there. 

All these wild dreams and weird thoughts I had of what I might want to do or I might miss don't even seem to pop up anymore, at least not with the same intensity. I'm just focused on getting out of here and getting to the next step. 

Saturday Reflections

 Mood - 3 crying days this week. Yesterday doesn't really count fully because it was going through old memorabilia and realizing Aunty MERJ really loved me. I had so many cards from her and stuff I don't even remember. And apparently I had a College Friend that was really fond of me that I didn't care to notice. Interesting. Sometimes I'm more stuck in my own world than I realize.

I downsized 6 office-paper boxes down to 2. Really it was 5 down to 1 because one of the boxes is my printer. That's all that's in it. For now, it's pretty optional. I'll take it with me if it fits, but I'm not that married to the idea. So Yay me! But in the last things to make it to the chuck pile were 2 albums of memorabilia. One was not that memorable. Just a scrap book of what has turned out to be pretty insignificant memories. But one was really making me tear up. 

I had some fun times. But in this moment, I'm just kind of letting it all go. I'm not in touch with any of those people and I really don't feel like spending anymore time figuring out what that means. For a few minutes, I did end up packing the albums but then at the last minute just took pictures of them. It ended up being about 114 pics and Google Photos made it very easy to create an album of those snaps. Just clicked Create album..and instead of having to individually select all of them, I just clicked 'Today' and it selected all the photos for today and then 'Add.' Done! So that helped solidify the decision. And that's how I got everything I was holding onto down to 1 box. There's still 1 box of memorabilia that I didn't feel like sifting through. I guess that will be left for the next move.

It's hard to count my time in Death House as what my life will be like, but it's the information I have. I guess after leaving my childhood home, I've just been in transit. So I've been a nomad before digital nomad was a thing. Thems the breaks, I guess. 

No personalized paint colors. No wall decorations. No knick knacks. I've stayed with Toxic Boyfriend numerically more years than in my childhood home. That's unfortunate because I never considered this place home and it's unlikely in years to come, I'll even bother to mention this place. Oh well. 

I wonder when I was more Christian, though, if this is why I ended up having to leave Dream School. The butterfly flapped its wings and something changed for me. Maybe. 

But I think the false premise was that there was something 'better.' I think the looking for something better was where it all went wrong for me. If I really trusted God to know what's best, I could have just let Dream School go and embrace what was next. 

Maybe that's where I'm going with The Algorithm. New data gets added. Dynamic pricing. It's not always better. So just a different interpretation of the same input.  But it's where I am now. 

Packing and Moving Update

I'm actually feeling pretty joyous. The upstairs is mostly done. Holding steady at 70-75%. I'm not as overwhelmed. Did I tell you I was getting so anxious one night that my nose was twitching?! That was a first. Mostly, I have 3 bins, 2 paper boxes, 1 crate. I think everything else in the house, I can trash and easily replace for under $500. So now it becomes more of a hectic game. 

The things that I think required the most thought was culling my clothes and office papers and the other boxes. 

Still a bit torn on DVDs. I technically have a DVD player. But I only used it once or twice in the last 3 years. But a couple nights ago, I was wanting to watch a movie. That might've been because I didn't have internet though. Or, actually because I've been kind of over the raunchy shows available and I need to take a break from skinny white women falling in love. 

So maybe I'll keep a select number of DVDs. And maybe the DVD player? It's a bit bulky. We'll see. 

Oh, but I'm on 3 day bedrest because I realized I was getting tired after what would seem like a full morning of packing, and it was only 1 hour. And I just wasn't motivated to do work or pack. I thought it was stress. But I think I'm just under the weather. And with strangers in and out of my house; no masks; traveling; mental churning. I need a break. So 3 day bedrest until Tuesday worktime or Monday 5p. I'm still not packing on Monday though. But I do have a therapy appointment on Monday, so I'll be up for that.

I bought myself some snacks and feel good easy food yesterday. Including 2 kinds of popcorn and 2 kinds of chips. And apples. It probably doesn't help that I've exclusively eaten McDonald's since I got back. That's why I got the apples and PB. I haven't been that hungry so McDonald's was the easiest choice for something not that filling. And cheap. 

I bought this house to die in...

Remember, how I used to think and feel that. When the inspector and buyer's rep were here they gave positive comments that the house was well kept. It was nice to hear because I love compliments. But it just reminded me that I never intended to stay here. I only ended up buying the couch and washer/dryer after the Incident. Now it's been a chore to get rid of.

I realize now why I've been apprehensive about selling stuff. It's a lot more variables that I couldn't think of ahead of time. People asking for delivery; shady things. I realize now that this lady has paid for stuff but didn't really make a plan to come pick it up. So now I have that in the back of my mind of what am I going to do if she doesn't come and it's kind of lost opportunity of someone else coming to get it. But it'll be annoying, but money can solve it. I'm mentally giving her until next Sunday then I'm reposting it. 

Overall though, I'm happy with my moving progress. If I want, I can just dump everything. But it's kind of like I'm packing for 2 trips. Newtown and Summer. 

Anxious Brain was like well what happens if by the time you're ready to sign-up for Landing Standby, the program goes away. Well that would royally suck. Considering the price went up $200, it feels like a possibility. I'm not sure what I'll do, probably just book the cheapest rental I could find. I thought about booking an AirBnB but the trauma came back, so hard pass. 

I'm not even thinking about it. No contingency plan. 

For today, 

- I'll probably stay in bed until 12n because...bed rest.

- Eat some scrambled eggs and ham or tuna salad and boiled eggs. 

- Watch some shows.

I overall feel good. I've been tempted to join the online communities in NewTown but I'm trying to get all the housing stuff settled.

Oh! I love the internet sometimes. Rhitter is also moving, so it's nice to see her progress and lists because they're a lot like mine.

The buyer said they will shut off the utilities. But I will probably still plan to cancel internet as I don't think that counts as basic utilities. 

And next on my list is Change of Address. I will probably still do a change of address form with USPS but I'm undecided if I'll change my address with the institutions themselves until I move into my new place. Since for now it feels temporary, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. 

I think for work, I'll probably still keep my current address and just change it at the beginning of next year just to make filing taxes easier. 

I'll probably check some balances eventhough I kind of want to wait until next year. 

I actually switched the HVAC from AC to heat yesterday. In May in the South! That's a first.

I can't believe I'll be moving out of here in 3 weeks! Wow. After a dozen years, it all just happened so fast.

My therapist was right, not being here stuck in the trauma really gave me the clarity. I think it was just easier to imagine myself not living here when I was actually not living here. Why it didn't happen when I was in Seattle is unknown. I think largely is because I didn't have a next destination picked out. It's not a big mystery.

Anyway, the next thing I want to do is still frugalize my clothes. But this requires more thought than actual labor. It's hard to imagine what I might want to wear, so I'm trying to standardize it under a theme. So far I got cozy, comfortable, confident. What makes me feel good. I don't like pants, so they all went into the donation pile. But I realized I had a lot of tops and no bottoms except for stretch pants. So for now, I'm thinking for Fall clothes it'll be stretch pants, the tops I have and plan to purchase a long cardigan to cover my bottom. 

Now that I'm not dressing for dating, I can buy clothes I feel good in, not what might appeal to someone else. And confident doesn't have to mean trendy or fashionable. I'm confident in clothes that feel good to wear. Even if it's not classically sexy. But it's admittedly a bit of a fine line. Because I'm also comfortable in really frumpy clothes. But maybe not confident because I feel frumpy. 

I've averaged being on site for work 2x/yr the last 2 years. So there was some concern about keeping some semblance of work clothes. But they're pants and uncomfy. I just flashback to pants digging into my belly. Ugh, no thanks. 

I've got the outfits I wore the last visits, so I'll just keep those and roll with it. 

At 30, I felt confident with my decision-making and data points I had. At 40, I feel confident with how little things matter and how understated their longevity needs to be. And how no one really knows what they're doing. It feels like everyone is playing the Game of Life instead of actually living. You know how they say, imagine people in their underwear when you get nervous on stage. Now that I'm older, that's how I see it. After they're done playing pretend everyone goes home and poops and farts and do weird things. 

Sertraline

I'm taking the bottle of 90 pills with me. But for now, I decided to just keep it in my arsenal. It kind of resets my 3-Step Plan to EOL. It's now the next Step 1 if I get back to the Valley of Despair. Somehow that seems scarier than my original plan...only because the side effects are unknown. 

Wrapping Up

I think that's it for now. I'm moving. I'm packing. The buyer is in due diligence for the next 10 days, give or take. But I'm moving regardless. 

Gas Station Sushi

I almost forgot! So one of the things I learned from my therapist was that when I reached out to an old Crush, I was looking for connection. So now, I can think...if I'm looking for connection, am I really going to get it from this dud. Nope! It's like buying your groceries at the gas station. You might find a few things, but it'll be dusty and old, probably expired, and definitely over-priced. The gas station is not where you buy groceries! Or even worse, it's like gas-station sushi. It might seems like it's what you want, but when you get sweating diarrhea in a few hours, you will regret that decision. The gas station is not where you get groceries or sushi! It's a sham! But sometimes, it's convenient, and you might pay the price later. So, that's pretty much a good analogy for me. Looking for connection with a dud is like gas station sushi.

Signs

I took down all my signs and life posts and mantras and life objectives. I might need them, I might not. The primary objective was getting the office ready for the move. They helped, I guess. But I don't have any more long term goals to achieve. That's just it. Yeah, it did help for work because it reminded me of what I wanted - work from home and save. 

The other posters... I don't know... I think their usefulness has expired is the best I can come up with. 

What's making me anxious today.

 Oh work colleagues. I'm switching manager and our department is getting absorbed by another department starting next month. 

I don't know if my new team lead is just sneaky or European. I've got my eye on her. This whole team seems high strung and very bossy. Which is not my personality at all.

Oh well. I enjoy working from home and getting my fat paycheck. 

So I'll keep on keeping on. But it is indeed a source of stress. Grrr.

I'm killing time until ...

Well just had the meeting. Unsatisfying.

I'm getting a little anxious about:

- Changes at work

- 2 deliverables at work

- Working with workstream lead...we need a name for them...Frozen

- the move

- packing

- is this lady that bought all this stuff going to come pick it up!!

That's all for now. I'm going to re-focus on work stuff on Tuesday. Yay, Memorial Day!!

I hope to take my mind off packing this weekend at least 1 day this weekend and definitely all of Monday.

I want some donuts!! It would be really nice to clear out some of this stuff and finish the upstairs but we shall see. I mostly feel brain-fried! 

OMG! I think it's a midlife crisis!

 So there were at least 2 women in my family who in their forties after a long period of singlehood decided they wanted a baby and a baby they got.

I wanted to avoid that so had a hysterectomy and have shunned any thoughts of adopting a child..well cuz I can barely take care of myself.

But maybe my mid-life crisis is this unending need for a partner!

Why has it taken me so long to realize this. I've always fantasized about secret love, but now it's literally all I see. It's all the shows I watch and all the content I read. I see it everywhere. Instead of babyfever I have husbandfever!

I am a statistic after trying so hard not to be one. So I don't need anti-depressants! I need a husband. This is 10x worse than babyfever because at least I can have a baby completely on my own if I wanted. I can't materialize a partner!

Wow. I can't believe these hormones are running total havoc on me. Boy being a girl human is hard! Well at least now that I've called it out, I can see it for what it is. Just hormones. This is not reality. I think there will still be many months of crying in the future. 

I wonder how long a mid-life crisis happens?! 

Well, it's no wonder the feeling hasn't gone away. I've been able to squelch most strong feelings for crushes over the years. And I thought it was only every decade or so that the long-standing feelings came about. But oh, no! This has been going on since September of 2021. Yeah, time's up. My new life is starting in 2023....or rather the next stage of my life is starting this fall. I don't have time for nonsense. 

So at least now that it has a name, I can leave Mid-Life crisis right here ..right behind me. It's time for my next stage in life. So in that regard, I'm glad it's happening now. It can stay it's sorry behind right here in Old Town with Toxic Boyfriend. Good riddance to bad rubbish!!!

P.S.- I love a good stat so a quick internet search said a mid-life crisis for a woman is 2-5 years. So that is right for me. Donesies! So Seattle Boy can suck it. He doesn't even get a name anymore. 

P.S.S. - Another quick Google search gave me some symptoms I identify with - sad, lack of confidence after milestone/birthday, feeling unfulfilled, bored, loss of meaning and purpose in life!

Um, check, check, and check!

The “crisis,” so to speak, generally ends when you feel more comfortable with yourself and begin to accept, perhaps even welcome, what life has in store.

Relationships change - Sometimes, these changes lead to unmet needs

ffafd

Um preaching to the choir here. I love a good diagnosis via Google Doctor! Yasss, this is totally speaking to me. And there's another echo of - do things that make you happy! Yes! I shall, thanks for the vote of confidence! 

Monday Reflection

 Feeling good. Had therapy and it was good. She suggested I find a black community. I had a strong response to that. That's not the solution. But she did help me to see that staying in NC is not the solution.

I didn't cry but I had a nice bowel movement right before.

I'm happy that I'm all packed. The dishwasher is loaded. I will run it once the washer stops. Everything is packed haphazardly because I really don't have the motivation to do more. 

I was able to find the loan information I need for my 2nd mortgage. I just have one more document I need to find when I get home and my checklist for the pre-closing should be completed. 

I'm still unclear what I'm going to do about my furniture. I didn't really get a confirmation from the donation place so I will have to call them. I need to come up with a couple back-up plans. The Seller Rep contacted me to let me know that I have to take the washer and dryer with me so there's that. I did ask to push the closing back one day. My pre-planning seemed to flow better with just one more day. And even more so since the closing instructions say to be out the midnight before. Which makes sense but somehow seeing it in black and white made it more concrete. So I think a Thursday closing will help. It will reduce overlap and I can move into Interim Apartment on Tuesday. 

I really am looking forward to having less stuff that's easily packed away. This mild dillemma with the furniture fuels my desire to rent a furnished place in Newtown or rent furniture. Yes, talk about total lifestyle inflation, but I'm doing it. The price a MERJ pays for convenience!

Oh! I applied for a credit card and thought I had a reason to hope because it wasn't an instant denial, then I remembered I froze my credit report, so that's probably the reason! Oh, well. 

I did get a small increase on Backup Credit Card. I need to stop using it and freeze it when I get back so that I can protect my credit score until I get an apartment. 

But it would be a lot easier to put all these new moving charges on a card and settle it later. My, what a pickle I've gotten myself into!

My latest widget is at least approved and out the door. Hopefully no one will notice I'm not online tomorrow. And then I think things pick up into medium gear starting Wed both with work and with The Move. I have 2 Widgets in the pipeline. I'm deciding to get more vague with some of my details. I was reading another blog who seemed unnecessarily vague and I think I prefer that. I used to be less specific with my details and I think that's better. 

None of the 2 lawyers I engaged with are really willing to review my documents so that sucks. But one is more responsive and who I used before. Makes me think maybe I should have just used the first Old Guy who couldn't remember his email address. 

More tailwind, please!

 In the mental emotional plea I want to make to Dan is just please take care of me! I'm realizing without the support I need,  I can do about 70% of most things. 

I need some support for the rest. Even if it's just someone to hold my hand, check on me, provide some accountability, be there to catch me if I fall. Like that would help me with the remaining 30%.

Without it, I just kind of lose steam.

Like I can get myself to Philadelphia. But thinking through activities, getting out of the house, eating, just gets overwhelming and I make the simplest choice which is often no choice at all. 

Same with getting my taxes done and getting a house cleaner and even maintaining a home. It's all a cry for help. But like real help. 

There's too much competing with my thoughts without enough 'skinny feels' to lighten the mental load. 

That's pretty much the gist of it.

Oh, one of the episodes I re-listened to from Friends on Fire was about setting boundaries. I more so liked Mike's take on his perfect white American male life where everything worked out. Anyway, he said it was easy for him to say no because he knew there would be future opportunities to do something fun or there was an essential obligation he would need to take care of for his family. So he had the confidence to say know because of knowable future opportunities. Maggie also posited that in contrast to her, he also had a lot of attention growing up. I think people who are advantaged in many ways just don't know how much it sets them up for a healthier future. Just even having the confidence to know that things get better would make my load a lot lighter. But things don't get better for me. They just get harder, and I find I have less stamina to deal with it.

There was some boys club conversation happening at one of the team dinner and it was just so off putting. How lucky men must be - all they have to do is work. Can you imagine if at work you had to clean the bathrooms, make the food in the cafeteria, manage the workers who do all the maintenance, support, and all the support staff and contracts plus the actual job you were hired for.

I think I would benefit a lot from not ruminating over conversations that other people have long forgotten. 

Almost excited

 I was starting to feel quite overwhelmed with the mountain of tasks mounting. I was racking my brain trying to think of the best way to organize everything. I have so many lists and resources in many places.

For now, I've landed on Microsoft Planner. It wasn't starting out great but I tweaked the tools to fit my need. I very much wanted to visualize everything on a timeline but also make lists. So I started just brainstorming some tasks. I included multiple items in each task but in the end to help visualize it, I had to list every sub-item as its own task.

That helped because I didn't want to feel like I might forget a pre-step for a task. For example, I'm planning to donate all my heavy stuff like furniture. I had it as one task for Pickup Donation with a checklist to pick and confirm a firm to pick up the items. But it worked better to give each of those checklist items its own due date.

So that helped a lot. Breaking each task down into smaller tasks with their own separate due dates helped to make it all seem more manageable and get it out of my brain! 

When I look at the calendar, the whole thing seems far less daunting and chaotic and more manageable. There are actually days where I don't have to actively do anything. I'm sure there will be lots of follow-up, but I've gotten the bigger things out of my brain. 

It was a good brain dump with some result.

Also, the Board helped to chunk the items into a couple phases - Selling the House; Packing and Moving; Then Newtown Tasks.

So for now until I close on the house, those are the tasks I'm prioritizing. 1st -events related to getting the house sold and then packing and moving. Those two things are obviously occurring during the same timeframe but if I only have 1 energy unit left, I have to choose events to sell the house over packing.

I think honestly, the biggest variable is how to get rid of the furniture. I kind of wish, they would just come and pick it up so I don't have to worry about it in the end.  The only thing I need until the last minute is my bed, desk, and maybe a couch. 

And it looks like I will be traveling back for onsite work in July. Which will be good to break up the summer. And it will be a few weeks after I move so at least I'll have a bit of a break.

I will probably pay for a week of overlap between old House and Interim Apartment because this is just how these things go.

I think I want to push the closing out by one day just so I have time to breathe a bit.

But in all things, I plan to choose easy and convenient.

I'm actively trying not to think too far ahead. I just want to get the house sold and moved out before I plan much more.

My financial brain is thinking it will be great to have everything done before the end of Q2. But that's something I just thought of. I can't wait to calculate all my expenses for the half-year. Haha, I have to get my jollies somewhere.

But yeah on the interim housing front, my default decision is just to go with Landing Standby in a nearby location in NC. Using some general internet search data, I anticipate being bumped in 2 weeks. And just for funsies only on this blog... let's think about what happens next.

I'll either go to DC for the rest of the summer or start heading west towards Newtown. 

DC only because it'll be fun to socialize again and plus..summer. I don't think I need to wait until August to have fun. 

But yeah, that's as far as my brain can go at the moment. Basically, just reassuring myself that staying in NC a bit longer is okay in the interim apartment because I have business I need to take care of. And just refocusing the objective on getting out of the house and being prepped for the next stage in my life. 

I did it!

 I signed a purchase contract. I barely read it. I sent it to the lawyer but didn't get back to me in time, and I was feeling happy today. 

Maybe Saturday would have been a better day to give myself more time for the inspection. Oh well!

I'll figure it out tomorrow! Kind of exciting!

I even asked for the $500 credit for not using a local mover. Sweet! That's my free money for not having a friend. Aaaand...for my trip up there. I feel less pressure to try to make my hosted visit my move-in date.

Wow, it's happening guys! 

Killing time

 Today I was miserable for about 3 hours listening to white men talk. But overall the day was good. I was unsure how much the work task I had to do was going to take me. I was plotting the Saturday and Sunday and was a bit bummed about that. All of a sudden I wanted to see all the sights in Philadelphia.  (But we know I was just going to lay around.) The bright side was I could more easily travel on Tuesday.

I'm still going to claim some weekend work. 

But I got about 80-90% of the work done during my all day meeting. Even with a whole meeting going on, I was able to focus. Even though it took me about 8 hours today with a full-day meeting going on, I still think it would have taken me 2 weekend days only because I didn't have a desk to work from in my studio.

I've been vocalizing alot that I'm going to sell my house. I realize because it's strangers, they will probably forget and I don't have to do it. But I'm going to do it! 

I can't believe it.

I don't know which day to pull the trigger. Luckily, I have to decide by Saturday. I kind of want to do it tonight since I'm feeling happy.

I can't believe this is really happening!!

I'm just really pumped about getting my work done. As always, it kind of brings me down. And I'm excited that ... I don't know. Even though it's only been 1 day... I survived a day of work, plus another one.

Ok well I was waiting for Frenemy, but I'm getting bored of that. 

Toodles.

Following the algorithm for now! 

New bed, can't sleep

 So Day 1 of socializing with work colleagues out of the way. I don't think I said anything too detrimental. I left the window open so I have the bright lights of the outdoor entertainment area keeping me up. Wow, someone is out for a jog at 4:30a!

Couple of things.

I think standing apart from it, I don't need to let these superficial conversations challenge or impact any of my world views. They are standalone and separate from me. This ties into my theme from my last post of accommodating others. I historically put too much weight on conversations like these - that likely no one remembers. I think when I thought I was plugged into this Giant Life Machine and all are actions mattered, it felt like ...well just that...every thought, word, action mattered. So I thought I had to say the right thing or do the next right action. 

But, I don't!

I was hoping one our project leads had a secret crush on me. But he paid a lot of attention to the Scandinavian girl as he called her. And I'm surprisingly okay with it. Not in a woe, this is my lot in life (even though it is). But just that it just is. No judgement. I recognize a desire for connection and unfortunately, it wasn't with that guy. 

But as with large groups of strangers, there was talk of kids and partners and pets, of which I have none. And tonight I was ruminating on my very impactful stance on it that I could verbalize the next time I'm asked. But for what reason? No one is going to remember me after this conversation. 

But that's still a work in progress as I figure out my place in The Machine. 

When everyone was developing their nurture gene, I was too busy surviving. I think I've just been stuck in survival mode until recently. Recently being my acquaintance with mid-life. So yeah, my life looks different than 85% of the population (actual statistic). 

Some thoughts I had... almost in rebuttal to the unspoken thoughts of others .. can you imagine putting in all the energy to do your day job and being remunerated in affection. That's a raw deal. There's so much talk about work-life balance. And being paid a fair wage. But what does that look like in parenthood and wifehood. I guess, it doesn't apply because those things are not essential. Lifestyle choices to me.

Next up...

Maryland Aunty - unprompted by me signed up for a Truist Bank Bonus! I loved that!

And then quite unexpectedly I might add..Dan messaged me about CD interest rates. I was blessedly distracted with travel and work stuff so didn't get to obsess. I am still deleting his messages after I send them, so there's that. But now I filter through what I'm doing...Fantasy Brain wants a connection...is a guy who vocalized he doesn't want to be with you a worthwhile pursuit? Me thinks not. 

So I'm trying to navigate what I want to do there. I do still like talking about money though! But I'll have to leave that for another day.

The biggest news, despite my fear and anxious feelings - Offerpad renewed their offer on schedule AND it increased to the exact number I was looking for! 

I do remember loosely being like, if they offer me what I want, I would be tempted to take it. This was before I decided to move up my sell date. So yeah, this is happening. And luckily there is a bit of a timeline (although we both know they are persistent). 

So while my decision day and task day is Tuesday, I might make an exception since Tuesday was also a hectic day due to work travel. So I have until Saturday to accept the current offer. I will actually need to produce work this weekend. Although I'm hoping to knock out most of it somehow before the weekend.

So I'm not sure when I'll have time to accept this offer, but I hope I do it soon. To be clear, I'm definitely going to accept it, just not sure when I'll have the mental time to enjoy and savor the moment vs just clicking through.  I mostly want to get work stuff out of the way first. 

Anyway, that's the end of my exciting news!

Oh, one more thing, should I even bother to ask for the extra $500 since I'm not doing a local move with OfferPad.

Oh another thing, it looks like I settled on a lawyer that takes my Legal Plan. I am going to have to drive 1 million miles to get there though which will be quite inconvenient. And preliminary looks...seems like I'll probably end up in a landing in another part of NC when I move out just because that will be easier it seems. 

As for work...maybe it'll be easier to do 1 hour a day of the very tedious task and find a groove. I think today, I might just stay after the meeting is over and leave from work to the restaurant. That'll give me 2 hours of time. 

Tuesday Reflections

 Good morning! I'm killing time before I leave for my work trip. I got a couple errands done but my heart wasn't in it and I didn't have the focus needed to do the more complex things.

- Reached out to real estate lawyers for help with sale of house

- Received suggestion to refresh offer from OfferPad (Love an algorithm!)

- Reached out to Bank to do name change

I still need to set up autopay because Katie Counselor offered to meet twice a week! Yes, life algorithm! Is this what it's like for people who just wait for things to work out!

Well, 2 things happened the way I wanted...if this is a trend, I could get used to it! 

I'm a little panicked to be around people for 2 to 3 days, but I'm calming down. I'm nervous about having my last weekend taken away with work, but here we are. 

The toolbar I need to make my work move faster isn't working. I love when technology doesn't work! It's my favorite! 

I'm hoping I can sneak in some work after the meeting ends each day since I'll have access to an external monitor. It'll be good to get a bunch done so I can have my weekend free again. Funny, how I dread the weekend when I have nothing to do but don't fill it with work! 

I can't really focus because I have to leave in 30 minutes. 

One of the things I learned in Therapy is to be friends with Fantasy Brain. I've been trying to kill her. But Katie Counselor said to try to understand what she needs. She is looking for love and connection. From that frame of reference, it's not worthwhile to reach out to someone who has clearly stated they don't want to be with you. Makes sense when I'm not desperate.

But Yay, Me! Somehow I felt pressured to respond to French Girl after offering to set her up with my ex. Why, self, why! Well luckily I just picked another guy- who didn't respond anyway. I could've had that same response without reaching out.

But what is slowly helping me these days - no one is keeping score on a giant life board of all the "good" or "right" decisions. That's just my own scorecard. So I start over everyday. 

Sweaty sleeps last night. 

Just passing time

 I have 15 minutes before my next therapy session. I had a week of crying, but in this moment I feel like I have nothing to talk about. I'm so tired of talking about dating. It's like such a small part of my life but at times feels so tremendous. It's weird.

I know a partner isn't going to solve any of my problems, but it would be a nice to have. But why do I get stuck in this rejection loop. 

Like how do I go from feeling so distraught on Friday to today being kind of meh. My circumstances haven't changed. When I think about being rejected or alone, it still stings but it doesn't feel as actionable. I don't get that. 

Then I googled Sertraline horror stories and read about brain zaps. Fine, they occur. What I don't like, is that even after stopping the medication, some people reported the zaps never stopped, years down the line. 

For someone who still has spasms from the breast biopsy done over a year ago. And dry skin from birth control; and just general unwellness from my hysterectomy, I feel quite susceptible to long-term side effects way after the fact. 

And there's no promise with the drug. There's no 'normal' I'm trying to return to, so I can't even say that I'm missing out on this known quality of life. Yet the known side effects are right there. So to me the benefit is the unknown and the risks are the known.

Seems like an easy No, right?

10 minutes more.

Some days I feel glad I'm in Philly. It gave me the clarity of how silly living in NC is. So yeah, maybe therapist was right (female therapist that is), it's hard to get unstuck when you're living in the trauma. Yeah, the trauma narrative has stuck. It's a good fit for what happened to me the last 12 years. It was traumatic and terrible and toxic. 

Right now, I feel some excitement about moving and moving on. Give me 5 minutes and I'll question what the heck I'm doing all this for. There's no long term goal. But maybe that's okay. We already established there's no special prize for living 'the best life' or making the most correct decisions. You know one thing I've noticed between me and male therapists and men in general. Women tend to modify behavior when corrected or something goes wrong. Men don't.  You say something you don't like or hurts your, they just pig headedly keep doing it. It's like they wait for you to change and accommodate them. While women accommodate without even being asked. 

So no wonder, I'm constantly jumbled up. I keep modifying my behavior to fit the situation and it turns out everyone wants a different set of modifications. When did I become the ADA office... I got to stop that nonsense! I think it was something I saw with Robert from my last team but couldn't quite vocalize what I was seeing.

But it's becoming clearer. Men just bulldoze right through you. It's why they rape and commit violence. People put up stop and yield signs and they don't have the conditioning to accommodate, so they just keep bulldozing through. Obviously, it's not the only reason criminals commit crimes, but I'm just thinking out loud.

It's something that I'm noticing in the workplace and in social situations. When did we learn to accommodate? 

It's the self-help books geared toward women. I've always believed women have evolved while men stay the same. Why are we constantly in survival mode, though? Why! How tiring!

Saturday Reflections - Dying alone

 NEWSFLASH: I'm going to die alone.

This isn't even a declaration or a prophecy or something I'm claiming. It's a conclusion that is completely evidence-based.

Using the available census data, as a black woman in her 40s the chance of me being married is 3%. That's a 97% failure rate. And luckily for me, each failure is loaded with complications, some deadly. If you wanted a 3rd eye (ie, something non-essential), and your doctor told you there's a 97% chance this will fail and there will be complications, what would a reasonable person to do? Live without the 3rd eye. 

So based on that, I vow to never use another dating app. I vow to never expect a man to ask me out. I vow to never put myself in a position for complications. I wanted to say I would stay open, but that is not something I can passively do. 

So Future Me, the hope chest is closed. Myth busted. You have all the data you ever need.

Do I reach out to Dan ever again? NO. This last couple weeks have given you all the DPs you need that reaching out to someone "as a friend" but that you secretly want to fall in love with you not only HAS NEVER worked (100% failure rate) but now you know in your 40s it increases your risk of a fatal outcome by 50%. Hard Pass (unless that's ultimately how you decide you want to end your life).

Do I delete my number? I really want to but the Negative in me will try to convince me despite all the evidence that somehow at some unknown date in the future, he will want to reach me for us to secretly fall in love. And because he doesn't have my number(s), he was unable to. But at this point I passively gave him my email, so...

But I reserve the right to change my mind if it becomes unbearable.

As for making friends. Yeah, that would be nice. I prefer women without kids. At my age, the percentage of women without kids is around 15%. And who is to say every single one of them will want to be my friend. I can get along with anyone but will anyone get along with me. Invoking my arbitrary magic number of 3. Let's say all 15 of them are in the same room. I like 1/3 of them. One-third of them like me. And 1/3 leave the party.  Um, this math ain't mathin! Haha. I was trying to find some sort of overlapping circle of people I like and who also like me. But that's too much thinking for this early. So let's just say it's a mutual match of 1/3. So that leaves 5 people out of every 100 people that I could be friends. So I'd have to meet 20 people to make 1 friend. So yeah, given the events of Newtown, I think I have a high likelihood of making at least 1 friend. This actually doesn't take into account the fact I'd have to meet 20 childfree people to make 1 friend.  But given the nomadic nature of the people I will be surrounded with in Newtown, I think I have a greater chance of meeting childfree people. 

So while 3 is my magic number, 1 is probably a more achievable number.

But at our age, that bosom friendship of childhood is unachievable - which is ultimately what I'm looking for. 

Rules for Life

I was trying to think through what the rules are moving forward. I was basing everything on the magic number of 3.

How many friends do I need to make?

How many times do I go out?

How many hobbies do I pursue?

How many times is acceptable to cry in a week?

It seemed really important last night (when I was trying to sleep) but less so right now.

I mostly have been reliving the last 8 months with White Male Therapist. And unfortunately, I'm bundling him in the Toxic Relationship bundle. He completely misguided me by encouraging me to stay in NC; encouraging me to date; and not listening to my feelings about how much I was still crying. For the experience of talking to a man, it was awful. It just added more data points for me about the downsides of male-female relationships. I just don't get it. Why choose a human who doesn't listen to you, doesn't make you feel heard? It's lost on me. 

Right now I feel free and empowered. But when the darkness comes I will feel unempowered and disenfranchised.

I'm having second thoughts about the anti-depressant. Frugalwoods was having trouble enjoying the life she wanted. That's kind of been my contention with depression. I reserve the right to be unhappy about living in prison if I feel wrongly convicted. An anti-depressant isn't going to change my circumstance. So, yeah, I don't know what I'm going to do when the medication comes. 

When I have something to enjoy or something I think I'm missing out on, maybe I'll take it. 

I have been wondering what exactly is the point of moving. And honestly I don't have one. Other than maybe spend down my money.

There's nothing achievable left for me to pursue. But we've been here. This is ultimately the strongest case of staying in Death House.

But I'm leaving Death House. This we know for certain. 

What would you tell an 80 year old who has done everything they set out to do? I could try to re-parent myself. That's essentially what people my age with kids are doing. It's like their fun little hobby. Basically redoing their 0-18 years. And then they wait around to become grandparents, to watch the movie all over again.

That's really all life across the entire animal kingdom. So the case for prolonging life is lost on me. Get me out of here! This ride is not fun! 

It all just hurts so much

 I feel like I've been hit over the head with a tremendous wave of pain and rejection. I feel like it's August 2022 again. Maybe it's just the thought of going back to work onsite. This is where I was after The Thing happened. 

When I took step 1 of 3. I got the pistol permit. I don't even know where it is. I don't know that I feel bad enough for Step 2. Not even because I don't want to die but because Mean Brain still wants to wait...there's still time... 40 years later...yeah, he still secretly loves you. Just hold on. 

An hour or so ago, I got on forhers and in less than 30 minutes, I have a 90 day supply of anti-depressants coming my way. Choose happy right? If anything, it's a stockpile and provides me a second option to end my life. 

The crying never stopped, World. I am trying. I have tried. I tried very, very hard. I have no more tries to give. 

When I try to think about what could make me feel better and what the very best outcome could be, I come up empty. I don't even know what happily ever after looks like anymore. 

The Tears are here to stay

 I was reading Frugalwoods and she provided an update on her journey with depression and sertraline. Got me thinking - maybe it'd help me.

But the fact that male therapist recommended it and at this point he's steered me in the wrong direction too many times to count makes me think - no, thanks. So the tears are here to stay.

(I texted Dan.)

I realized while I've focused my rejection and anxiety spiral recently to dating and to a lesser extent texting with strangers and friends or potential friends...it's kind of for everything. Remember the The Job Hunt of 2019. That was bad. I was in a dark place there too. 

Medication would probably work, but honestly, I'm not in a place to manage anything else right now.

More and more as I sit with the preliminary decision to move in June, I'm becoming more onboard with it. Like...this is really happening. I'm really going to do it. I think a part of me is still going to do it even if OfferPad doesn't send me a new offer next week. 

Yep, mid-June folks. That's my identified closing date. Whoa.

And then the plan is to hang out in DC (or maybe Virginia Beach) until I move to Newtown in August. They even sent me a little nudge email yesterday to schedule a visit. I was like, yes! I love algorithms. 

I've finally let it go about inviting Dan for that trip. Yeah, that's just for-nothing-heartbreak. 

I choose happy remember.

I go on site for work next week! Then head back to NC a few days later. Glad I decided to enjoy the few extra days in Philly instead of just heading back to NC right after my trip. It's an extra travel day but oh well.

I also looked at my vacation time for the rest of the year. And I haven't used any! I have 15 days of vacation days and 3 extra floating holidays. Eventhough my schedule is very flexible, the old call center in me still likes to hold on to a few days, just in case. 

So for my 15 vacation days, I would like to use them to cover a span from the 2nd week of December to the first week of January. I'm hoping I can convince my manager to let me unofficially carry them over. I just really want a good start to the new year and what's better than time off! My original 2023 Plan was to spend December in Miami just because the internet said it's the warmest place in December stateside. And there are a few short term rental companies there. 

But I do think a bit about doing an escorted trip with Gate 1 Travel or doing a tropical vacation. But yeah, just warm and away. And of course easy.

Then I would like to use 1 of my floating holidays for the drive down to Newtown. I decided to leave on Saturday (instead of Friday), so that I can arrive on Monday and aim to pick up my keys to my new apartment.

So yeah, once I can get things going with Offerpad, this will seem more real. I'm getting antsy.

(Dan texted back...an emoji. I'll take it and let out some of my angst for the weekend. Phew.)

Fortunately, I seemd to have dodged weekend work this weekend, but not sure what to watch. I didn't make it to Whole Food because...80 degrees. But the internet said milkfat/butterfat shouldn't affect lactose intolerance so I got 2 treats that I'm pretty sure I've had before from TJs - the chocolate covered grahams and chocolate covered almonds. OMG, the grahams are so rich in chocolate. My gosh! 

I am craving a sweet drink though. Rita's Italian Ice seemed way too far but would be kind of perfect in this heat. 

I actually can't even remember if I posted this morning or not. But I got $150 bonus from Chime after quickly convincing my colleague to sign up for it earlier this week! Woot! Easiest $150 I ever made. 

Thursday reflections

 Well I have not slept well all week. I had the bright idea to open my window to let the cool air in and it's been terrible. I have a slight headache. I've been weeping. And sweaty. 

I just wonder what's the point of everything - from do I want to eat waffles to do I want to live. I know my EOL plan is a soft touch item and not at the forefront of my mind but it's been popping up. To be clear, it's mostly in contrast to why am I doing any of this. 

The scientist in me is like you might as well tryout Newtown before making a decision. 

I try to self-soothe by looking at my net worth and that does excite me a bit, but not quite enough. 

I just don't trust my feelings. 

It's really hard not to believe in a higher order of things sometimes. There's just so much messaging. I think just deciphering things is exhausting.

Male Therapist challenged me again on dating. He just doesn't get it and I always take the bait! But to not bury the lede - we broke up. I finally just said, I can only meet once in Jun, Jul, and August. And as I suspected, he wanted to know why. Grr, I have good instincts because I knew he would want to know. But then do I also trust my instincts that he's causing me more distress than good and I need to step away. I am being boiled alive yet again.

But one can't help but wonder, what's it all for.

I need to craft a new vision for my life. It has to be fantasy based because reality is not working out for me. Yeah. Even though fantasy didn't work when ....

Grr! These people keep adding work to my plate at the last minute! 

Back to regularly scheduled programming. I updated the iBond balance in my budget app and I'm officially at the highest net worth ever: $570k. Which is awesome. I also officially updated my Goal in the app to Millionaire status. The app projects 14 years, but I think I can do better. I mean, if I do nothing, it'll only take 10 years, that's just math. 

Anyway, the things keeping me up at night

- Dan - do I let it go since he already rejected me; do we agree that I'm just re-injuring myself even though I think I'm protecting myself by not going after someone new? 

- the fact that I messaged about 6 people the other day in a fit of angst and only 2 responded

- just how much work it is to get and keep Dan's attention; what exactly am I trying to achieve there; friendship seems to be the easiest glide path to romance; but it's a long game and I'm an anxious person; I half-heartedly came up with a plan to just message him every 2 weeks with unsolicited updates on my life; do it really methodical, like clockwork; the only early termination condition is if after 3 contacts (> 2 weeks apart) I get no response; so he doesn't even have to respond to all of them; just every 2 weeks, provide an update. Do it for a year. I would be more likely to stick with it, if I had a plan and an exit strategy. 

- I think just overall feeling like what's the point of moving. Does any of it matter in the end? 

- I also worry about what things are real and need consideration and what things I can make emotional decisions on. Like. Do I wait for Offerpad to spontaneously make another offer or do I just reach out and get the offer and go from there?  But am I looking for some divine or right path again? I think to settle me down, I need to find my most empirical objective - the first one is to get the house sold. 

- I think I just worry that historically, I'll just make any decision just to not have to think about something. But let's analyze what the worst case scenario is for "any decision." Nothing really, getting a bit lower price on the house I guess? But my sanity is always worth it. I think the waiting is waiting for some sort of divine confirmation. So, bump that.

Is anxiety rooted in looking for signs and Christianity and higher meaning, I wonder??

Accomplishments and Reassurance

 So I got through my task list pretty quickly today! Yay

- requested reimbursement for some medical expenses

- automated some payments for therapy

- Bought a T-Bill!! My first one. A random CNBC article I stumbled upon gave me some quick directions! Easy Peasy. We'll see in about a month if I prefer that to the brokered CD. The main benefit of the TBill is having my FIRE Cash Stash out of sight.

- made a doctor's appointment with an ortho clinic to have my shoulder looked at! They might actually do x-rays! Yikes! I'm hoping it's something that can be solved with physical therapy, so we shall see. Just a bit kind of feeling like I want to get some big appointments out of the way.

Luckily no new meetings popped up for today so I might make some burgers and go out and see some sights. We shall see! 

But to help reassure me that financially this move and its accompanying increase in expenses does not decrease my time to 1 million dollars in any meaningful way, I ran the numbers...yet again!!

Roll the tape:

est. 5/9/23	Basic NC	NC + 20k Lifestyle	Newtown
Net Base Salary (after 22.5k 401k)	$70,000	$70,000	$70,000
Budgeted Est Expenses	$29,000	$55,000	$38,000
Left to Save	$41,000	$15,000	$32,000
Total Savings (w/401k)	$63,500	$37,500	$54,500
(savings as monthly payment)	$5,292	$3,125	$4,542
Time to 1 mill (9%):	Year 4	Year 5	Year 4

That was the comfort and reassurance that financially, this wasn't the dumpster fire my brain is making this out to be. I will be okay. And upping my initial investment from $500k to $550k makes that Year 4 number all the sweeter. Infinitely more digestible!!! 

(Notably the NC expenses have some cushion built into them, but I think the cushion accurately reflects what I would budget for expenses since the budget is so basic.)

I will likely have to run these numbers over and over to calm my anxious brain. But we know for sure that the move won't delay any future financial milestone. It's the social milieu I still have to contend with. If only there were numbers to run for that!  I think just keeping in mind that at the very basic level, is just getting out and mingling. Moving my body; using words. Like, trying as much as possible to remove the pressure of forming meaningful long-lasting connections. 

Struggle and overwhelm

 More morning tears. I think it's struggle and overwhelm this time. I just wonder like...is this experiment going to work? But the scientist in me kind of wants to see it through. It almost feels like a reality show without the cameras. This I can get behind.

But when I was tearing up, I did feel like - do I really know how to make friends anymore? Are there friends to be made? I just lost my last 'friend.' So, it just makes me feel really uncertain.

It's been years since I had a genuine connection with anyone. At least 8. I don't want to reflect on my NC time before then. It's hard to see any good right now in the time I spent with Toxic Boyfriend. 

Anyway, I thought I'd come on here to document, but sitting up and just being present for the day has taken away some of the feelings threatening to undo me. 

Use the algorithm!

 Um... in a moment of clarity, I decided to just use the machines. Use the algorithms. Accept the accepted wisdom. Or is it conventional wisdom?

First, my male therapist - I decided to just finish the sessions for May (as I planned to do for female therapist) and do a monthly check-in for June, July, Aug (if he doesn't agree to this for some reason, oh well). I was thinking first of the month, but I think end of the month is good.

For whatever reason realizing that Frenemy is not that into me actually feels freeing. I'm guessing part of me was afraid of letting go of a friendship that I might regret, but if she's the one letting go of me, then pressure is off! I feel strangely relieved. It's okay for people to grow apart and have different interests. As always, my instincts were correct when I first labeled her as a Temporary Friend. And that's okay. The loneliness confuses me but that's just human nature. Sometimes necessity overrides logic. Facts.

But to the big thing. I actually put the iPAD away and wanted to journal feelings about Frenemy. I also remembered - I don't have to choose. 

I want to leave NC early AND I want to get to Newtown as close to Sept 1 as possible. I can do both.

I will leave NC early and eventhough it's more legwork, I'm gonna bounce around a bit for the months in between. Like maybe a washout period. It's like breaking up with Toxic Boyfriend and then jumping into a new relationship. 

While I'd love to go Mexico (and I still might), it wasn't as simple as a few clicks. 

So here's what I decided.

1, Wait for next OfferPad offer (ie, trust the algorithm)

2, Once received, engage our Legal Plan for the attorney

3, Choose the close date that's 30 days out (I'll probably wait until the last day of the offer, or at least until I can fully engage the Real Estate attorney; meh, there's a chance I might do that on one of my Tuesday task days)

4, Pack up and move.

Figure it out! 

For now, I think I might do Landing Standby and choose the DC area. I think my project work will be mostly project management, so that should be nomad-friendly. 

I chose DC because it's closer (than Philly which I actually lot a bit better), it's a hub of activity, and there's a chance I can still visit some beaches if that still tickles my fancy. And there is a lot of activity on Meetup so it'll be good practice. It'll be good to practice meeting people before the big reveal, lol. 

This feels a lot better.

Some of the decision making is being left to machines, ie the OfferPad machine telling me when to move; the 30 day move out standard as that's pretty standard for leases, so that's conventional wisdom (side note, it gives me 4 weeks which happens to align with my 4 zones of packing); and even Landing Standby's algorithm that will probably boot me from place to place.

This option costs a bit more, but it's also a bit more fun and requires the least amount of thinking and decision making on my part. Yay!

Just thought I'd jot this down. Tomorrow I have a free day that I want to fully enjoy - unencumbered from work and big life decisions. I'm hoping this happiness lasts forever!  

Feeling discouraged

 It would just be nice if someone got my sense of humor or really understood me. My male therapist doesn't get me but it seems not many people in my life get me either.

I made the mistake of blurting about selling my house and instantly regretted it. I'm not even trying to keep it secret. I'm mostly just trying to protect myself from not being disappointed when I don't get the support I crave.

I was relaying a story about my program lead to a committee member and as expected it was just met with silence. No commentary, no commiseration. I had a reaction - like don't you have anything to say. They said, I don't know what your department's policies are. Grrr.

That's beside the point! 

I don't have a husband, child, parent, or sister, or wayward relatives but I still commiserate with her and provide feedback when she tells her stories. Yet, here we are...again. 

Maybe we just stick to bank bonuses and call it a day. Ok. Oh well. It's discouraging.

Same with my male therapist. Maybe we just stick to things that he can solve.

But it just feels like me having to make the changes. But who knows, maybe they have to filter themselves too. It sure doesn't feel like it. 

Actually, now that I think about it... the conversation was about work! So IDK what to do. I'm not getting my needs met by the already very few people in my life. 

It occurred to me that I think I'm the one actively trying to reduce contact, but maybe she is too! So I should probably stop feeling bad about it. She's a human as much as I am a human. There's no way our conversations are any more enjoyable for her than they are for me. Phew, talk about perspective! Ok, well that solves that. No hard feelings, no love lost. 

Monday, feeling better

 Just had a work meeting and kinda got bamboozled into accepting another project. Hopefully the mental load will be light enough that I can tackle my other projects. 

But in other news, Dan texted me! On Sunday. My phone never beeps and I thought it was the TV since my head was down. But when I checked my TV screen the scene didn't make sense for a text message. And then I thought it was a robo-message. But, nope! It was Dan!

I was so gleeful I didn't know what to do. I have to say it made me hate my male therapist a little less. It just instantly calmed me down.

Anyway, the nature of the text wasn't important. Nothing romantic. Just some questions about tax prep. But after the exchange, I realized..he mentioned his grandparents have a tax guy, so he definitely didn't need my input. And to top it all off, he mentioned using the Doctor of Credit site to get a credit card bonus!! He thinks about me! That's the thing I always wonder. There are so many things that remind me of him, I just always wonder... does he never think about me? And nope, he definitely does! 

But I know it means nothing, men leave their wives of multiple decades all the time without a second thought. No matter how nice she made their lives. But it was good confirmation that hey, I made a bit of a difference in his life. 

It does make me question a bit the firmer stance I was taking on not bothering to inform people on non-essential things. Since it just ended up hurting my feeling and I couldn't see any tangible benefit. 

Oh well. 

Anyway, I have to say it helped soothe the passing of time into night.

For whatever reason, I was too unbothered to worry about what I'm going to do with my summer. 

But the question still remains.

A part of me is trying to convince myself not to think about it since my getaway is half over. I have just 2 weeks left here. As this might be my last reprieve for awhile. Let's enjoy it! 

It should be a fairly straightforward week in terms of work load for this week and next, so I'm going to enjoy it as best I can. 

Anxious feelings keeping me up at night

 I don't know how long I've been trying to sleep for but it's now around 2:30a. I can't sleep. Physically, I'm hot, then cold. I'm not sleeping in what I usually sleep in which is a tank top and panties. Although the first week or so it was sweats because it was very drafty and the heat was inconsistent. 

I also ate too much. I was going to get some Mediterranean food which was probably going to be a bit light, yet filling but that place is closed on the weekends. Then Maps suggested a Malaysian food place. I checked the menu and it had the roti canai and curry that I remember so fondly! I had to go!

I got 3 dishes and ate a lot of each. One was spicy but I kept eating. I'm paying the price now. I fell into a food coma and that has completely disrupted my sleep hygiene. Oh, but it hurt so good!

So now I'm left to fend with anxious feelings (intrusive thoughts?): 

- replaying an exchange with a co-worker over a source table...I don't understand why it suddenly feels like I'm surrounded by people who don't let things go! Am I a pushover or are these people overly concerned about nonsense? I can't decide if I've reached enlightenment or they have. It's just tricky with the workforce because you don't know what will come back to haunt you because unless you're a superstar, it's not always about the quality of your work

- my male therapist...grrr... for whatever reason those exchanges are on replay along with the angst of the upcoming conversation

- my toxic relationship with NC/ indecision

         - I can't help but wish the house would burn down and I could walk away from it, not having to pack or anything

        - I just came to the conclusion that for decisions where cost fails to be a decider, that the next thing to look at is emotional cost, ie the risk to my emotional stability. But that is just so difficult to quantify.

What we know

- I want to get out of NC - sooner? later? what makes the most sense?

- I want to delay getting to Newtown as close to Sept as possible. Reason being, I think I'll have anchor bias and the momentum I need if I start my new life in the Fall when the weather is more reasonable and I just feel more people will be around in the fall vs summer. 

So I don't know what to do with Jun, July, and August. There are a few iterations I've gone through including going back to Seattle, staying in Philadelphia a while longer, going to beach vacation in Mexico in July....

There is a burgeoning part that is thinking just get out of there so you can stop thinking about it. I like that answer the best, but it's more logistics. As I type this, there is a part of me that just wants to go with the flow of this house sale instead of picking up and starting over in a few weeks. 

Just checked and it looks like I get some sort of communication from OfferPad every 1-2 weeks, so we shall see what happens at the two week mark. I'll still be in Philly. Although I said I wouldn't do anything while I was still away, I just might.

But this is what I mean. Am I being impulsive? Am I acting on temporary feelings? 

I pretty much spend much of today just writing down thoughts and plans. And finally had to say enough. I'm hoping to give myself the week off from thinking about this so I can at least enjoy my time here. 

The sun came out and it was glorious, I must say. But it's confirmed that even on a sunny day, the apartment is still dark. Other than that, I love living downtown. I like the vibe here. There are people of all ages. I realized it'd been awhile since I saw babies in a city. I don't remember seeing that many in Seattle. And young people as well. There was a youth softball game just right across from the Whole Foods in the middle of the city. Wild! So there's old looking people. Young kids and actual babies being pushed in strollers. I like this part of downtown because it's got the conveniences but is quiet at night and kind of shuts down during the weekend. It's more business district. But it's still really convenient to shops and stores. I'm walking distance from 2 Trader Joe's, a Target, and a Whole Foods! (Also a couple drugstores - but hopefully not something I require in the short or long-term. I'm sure there's more I haven't discovered. I see a lot of city buses and there's a train station somewhere. If I moved here, I would live in this neighborhood for sure. Just probably want an apartment with more natural light! 

Interestingly enough, a renewal notice came in under the door, and the apartment is going for about $2k/month. That's hefty, but I would pay it. I budgeted about $2500 for housing and utilities if I moved to Philadelphia, so that was just confirmation that my estimates were in line with the current market. 

I feel sleepy but I'm too full and heartburn threatens to come up and I'm warm from my fat belly and spicy food. 

Also, I messaged Dan yesterday. He actually asked me questions. That was nice. I passed a Hot Pot place that reminded me of him. I know I'm romanticizing our interactions but what else am I to do. The only person I have to talk to is an internet blog. 

It's just weird that this is my life. 

I think I've all but given up on trying Pilates while I was here. It was just a default suggestion in case I was looking for something to do. I do want to get a couple snaps of the liberty bell and LOVE sign. Luckily I passed Reading Market on the way to the Malaysian place, so that counts. 

I'm sleepy....

Pursue my interests and do the things I enjoy

 It's no secret I'm not that attached to my current life. After a few good days, the tears are back. Today my brain is focused on my potentially harmful therapist who keeps encouraging me to date.

I bookmarked a few articles I want to share with him on what dating is like for someone like me. It turns out OKCupid published data that black women (and Asian men) are the least desirable on online dating. Amongst other things, this is the hard data I need to make a decision about dating online. 

When I delete my profiles this time around, I want it to be for good. The numbers don't lie.

I came up with two texts I want to send Dan and Sean.

Dan: Since I've misinterpreted your silence (and lack of enthusiasm) in the past, I just want to confirm. Do you really want to be friends or were you just going along with it to be polite?

Sean: Hey there! Is your life really better off without me?! (emoji)

Not sure what I'm trying to achieve. I like to group the hurt together, I guess. 

And the articles I found also echoed how black women are picked last on dating shows. And I always wondered am I the only that sees this? Why do these women sign up for this? Am I the only one looking at this as what my future is. At least one of the articles said the women are sidekicks on these shows; sidekicks to someone else's love story.

This is literally what I said to myself around the 2015 Incident. I'm tired of being a sidekick in my own life.  So it was nice to have that confirmation. 

I know what I'm going to do about the dating apps.

I don't know what I'm going to do about reality dating shows. I used to love love and romance shows. But if it causes me this much pain and triggers past racial trauma, then does it really hurt so good? I don't know yet. How many more things can I limit because the messaging is damaging? 

As for my therapist, I'm still unsure how much longer I want to keep him. Part of me wants to break up right now, but there is a part of me that still needs support - even if that support is me being boiled alive. I mean leaving behind my toxic boyfriend (the state of NC) is not as easy I thought. That trauma still haunts me and influences my behaviors. 

At the end of the day, I still benefit from having someone to talk to. But he has failed me on the things that really mattered - strongly encouraging me to date without the proper tools to cope; helping me decide to stay in NC when this is really the root of my problem; how did he miss that!; and making the offhanded comment about moving to escape negative feelings is a bad idea. Grrr. I hate him. 

But I don't know how to be free of people I don't like very much. I tried that and I'm just utterly alone.

There is a part of me trying to rack my brain to figure out how to not go back to NC at all. I wish my house would just burn down. I just need my important papers and my car. I know when I go back, I will be stuck again.

I'm not 100% there, obviously I'm still crying but I just don't want to go back. Probably a big part of it is just the labor involved with moving. But I do wonder if I need to stay 2 more months there. I've already brought my timeline up from early September to mid-August. 

Anyway, I did a cursory Google Search on living life solo (I know not having a boyfriend isn't the issue, the issue is that the option wasn't even mine to choose) and the article that popped up gave me something to chew on - pursue your interests and do the things you enjoy.

I'm wondering if this is something I can hold onto to anchor my path forward. 

And my other mantra when distressed: I am safe and I am in control. 

Well friends, in a moment of frustration, I went ahead and sent the articles to my white male counselor along with the question of why are you encouraging me to do this. I made a point to say we can talk about it in the next session for two reasons. Give him the chance to be uncomfortable for multiple days; and remove the anxiety from me for waiting for a response. 

So that feels a little relieving. Just gotta get through my remaining work meetings, then it's chicken fajitas since it's Cinco de Mayo!

Do things I enjoy and pursue my interests.

I've gone 4 months (and 8 years) without social interaction. This is what my life looks like. I can actually live alone. I might keep weekly or bi-weekly, or monthly therapy check-ins just so someone knows I'm alive. 

I don't have a good reason for not ending my life, so I still have that in my back pocket. But my loose goal of reaching 1 million dollars is officially a goal on my budget app. It's still a loose goal but we shall see. 

So I'm just going to do my best to focus on doing things I enjoy and pursuing my interests. It's unfortunate that the narrative that was sold to me was sold out by the time it was my turn in line.  Maybe I'm waiting to die. I haven't figured out yet why I put up with it. I guess being boiled alive is sort of everyone's fate. 

But I have the information I need. I don't have parents. I don't have kids. I don't have pets. I don't have any meaningful friendships or relationships with other people.  But I have a ton of money! 

Once that runs out, probably so do I.

I can find comfort in the fact that there's nothing I missed or there's nothing left to pursue and it's all just kind of aimless. There's nothing else I need to 'get right.' There's nothing I need to influence. I have no dependencies or contingencies in either direction. I have nothing left to prove. I have no one left to support or be responsible for (and vice versa).  It's just me. I think that's pretty cool. I'm literally the only person I know like me. 

Who else in the world lives their life in total isolation! No one I know. I'm completely free and beholden to no one (other than the proverbial Man). Chosen or by circumstance, this is where we find ourselves, readers.