Sunday, 3a

 So I actually logged onto my email because I can't fall asleep (re: summer fan) to see if that draft email I deleted to Dan was still in my trash. It wasn't. I actually can't remember if deleted drafts get saved. 

But while looking in Drafts I came across some notes I wrote to myself in 2016 and 2017. In 2016 I was actually really into my finances and have no recollection of that. I was mostly toggling with contributions in my 401k plan because that's all I knew and a Roth IRA CD at a credit union. But somehow there was mention of Fidelity Go and Betterment. I don't even remember knowing those things! At the time, I was trying to build up to 20% savings because that's what the internet said to do. I was again making plans upon plans upon plans with dates and goals. Well, some things never change.

Then in 2017 my goals and thoughts were around:

- buying a house

- microaggression/ racist south

- a job I didn't see doing for 30 years (was having trouble with mean/irate customers at the call center)

- moving to the pacific northwest/ california or oregon, or sometimes the Northeast (but then I later wrote the Northeast seems dirty!)

- waiting on God

- trying to make my finances work with whatever decision I made - at the time I kept thinking it would be so easy to move if I didn't have to worry about having a job that I needed to do in NC. It would be so much easier at the time, I thought, if I worked retail because I could try to work retail in another state. Ha! I can work anywhere and I'm still stuck!

- I did make notes about how stuck I felt and it just felt like I might as well stay because it was cheaper to live here. (<<< still true)

- But there were RECURRING thoughts about escaping - leaving NC, moving abroad...some of my notes were almost to the date... April 16, 2017. That set of notes were mostly in the March/April timeframe off 2017. Not sure what was going on that time...other than switching teams to a team that demanded more. At that time, the goals was getting a job with USA jobs...and wouldn't you believe it...starting a blog, mostly to document microaggressions. (To be fair, I'd started a few blogs before right here on blogspot, so this isn't some dream deferred finally realized.)

.... As for moving abroad, I just wanted a break, an escape. I got tired of being black in the South and that extended to America. (Sometimes, I do wonder if that's why Duke didn't work out when I first tried to live in the South. Was that God? That still creeps in my mind from time to time.)

In that draft there was a quote about people being stuck in a less than ideal situation that doesn't hurt enough for them to make a change. Yep, me. 

It's just kind of sucky that all my old notes, mostly since living here (NC) point to the same themes - financial risk, emotional liability, escape (death or moving). But also not having a clear vision of what the next step is.

I opened the laptop at all today to write out how I feel I don't even have a safe square figuratively. I was hopeful that therapy would at least be a place I could unload my burden and have someone say, there, there, you're okay now. That hasn't happened. Is this white fragility? But honestly, except for in one instance, I don't think my black therapists were any better. 

I wish I could put this altogether and make it make sense.

It's probably not a good idea that I'm having homicidal thoughts. Suicidal ideation no longer scares me or is a good representation that I'm in a bad situation as it's pretty much a constant companion. 

I've sort of abandoned the idea of living abroad. Something about that seems temporary and I'm looking for more long term solutions. 

I was more ready to quit my job and escape 5 years ago... which I kind of did. At least quit...but didn't quite escape. 

The more contemporary version of quitting is quitting in place which I've done in my current position. Except, I'm definitely not ready to quit my job because I am 100% confident I will not find a job this well paying. 

At least at the call center I was pretty confident I could quit and be re-hired. But having had the job hunt disaster of 2019 I have a significantly lower confidence that I'll be rehired, kind of anywhere. Call Center #1 doesn't really seem to hire pharmacists anymore. 

Right now I've negotiated escape to taking off for 4 months out of the year. It's a less financially risky decision. But an emotionally uncertain one. That still leaves 8 months out of the year where I'm likely crying myself to sleep. 

I think part of me is trying to get a baseline of what I feel with a fully funded FIRE safety net. Somehow I feel even more at risk in some ways. Like I have more to lose, like I'm so close to the next big financial goal. Which I didn't feel in the early stages of my career. I just figured at that time, I'd quit for a year and come back. I had enough saved to take a year off and still have probably what I started off with before working. So I would be starting over with this great year off but I would return rejuvenated and not feel far behind at all. But I had no real longterm financial goals or plan. I was just settling in for the long haul...the 30 year traditional retirement. Even in my notes from the internet experts, I was doing what they said to have 1 million dollars by age SIXTY ONE (61). And that was what I knew. 

So taking that time off before settling in after the grueling climb to reach my career entry point made a lot more sense. 

I always maintain that these second place choices are where I get stuck. 

Just like some ended relationships feel unfinished; this relationship with the South feels unended. I'm still here in this toxic relationship with NC, and I'm now of the belief that even though the result is the same (I am choosing to be here vs being afraid to leave), it's okay because I'm getting some benefit out of it. 

I wish I had a really clear example of how life could be. In an achievable way. Just like how FIRE presented an achievable and clear picture of how my finances could look. That was way better. I wish I knew how great life could be so I can stop staying in this toxic relationship with NC. Because similarly, I feel like I'll be stuck here for the next 20-30 years because financially it makes sense. 

If these decisions are really the right decisions, then why do I feel stuck and I have to keep reminding myself that it's a good decision. 

Shockingly, there was also some thoughts/regrets about investing in real estate in my old college town. But with investments in the stock market, I feel okay with this. So why is this compromise more palatable than the compromise of staying here. 

I wonder if I could work in another country where my company has a location. Would I need to tell them? Would my pay change? 

Also...although it was barely mentioned, I'm pretty sure I had credit card debt and a private student loan then... it honestly wasn't weighing on my mind that much because I'm sure I was on some sort of payment plan. So IDK where this pre-occupation with financial stability has come from. Either way, both of those debts have been eliminated. Being (consumer) debt free is awesome!

(Side note: the idea of working abroad right now did sound a little exciting. But it is 3a on a Sunday and weekend feelings are not to be trusted!) 

P.S.- If I get to move to Newtown, I think it will be a really good test of living away from NC for a year. I'm actually feeling pretty amped in this moment to live abroad again even with white people. Just anything. Somehow the journey of re-discovering self appeals to me again. There's just so much data that this is something I've been longing for for YEARS if not at least a decade (or two).  The only thing that sticks out in my mind is this affordable housing. I need a fallback plan and this is it. I'm going to have to come back to the US eventually and to pay more when I could've paid less just feels really dumb. The easiest solution then would be just to rent it out. But for some reason, I'm not sure why that feels hard. Does it?