1 month until...

 Today is 1 month until it's officially my last year in my 30s. But really, I've been thinking about the whole year as my 39th year on earth! And the last year of the decade!

I have been alive for almost 40 years! If that were a career or a marriage, people would celebrate. But that's 40 years of living without hurting myself or intentionally hurting anyone else. That's amazing.

It's been a hectic week. The upside of that is that it makes the day go by faster, sort of. By the end of the day, I'm so brain dead though that the time just passes. I'm neither enjoying myself or relaxed. I just kind of zone out. It's weird. But I'm progressing with the job at least. And each day and it's deliverable is a true accomplishment.

At some point, I need to figure out my desk situation. I'm open to some new office furniture, just not sure I'm putting it on the front burner right now. 

Other thoughts:

- After thinking about it, the $30 or so dollars I might save in cashback from charging my medical appointments to a credit card for the year and reimbursing myself vs FSA auto pay doesn't seem worth the hassle.

- Eventhough I am getting price alerts, haven't felt much like figuring out the Golden Girls trip to Antigua. 

- another person on TV mentioned how she's benefitted from a male therapist in being a male figure in her life (me too, amiga!)

- today is a weird day; it's grey outside and I think that's affecting my mood; i've flitted through a few tv shows just to pass the time but couldn't really get into any. I didn't end up going to get my steak dinner;i just didn't feel hungry enough and couldn't get motivated to take the steps needed to make that happen; but since I at least waited until V-Day weekend, I'm allowing myself to get the steak dinner anytime after today. I think not wanting to go out at 8p when the Hallmark movie was is part of it.

- I stayed downstairs for at least 4 hours today! That was a plus! But after awhile I just wanted to come back to the familiar bone crushing futon and space heater. I chose familiar over comfort.

- Decided to take Feb, Mar, and April off from any hard inquiries on my credit.

- This week went well for not frantically searching for new FIRE stuff to read. Did a little bit of catching up on some blogs that post regularly, but nothing too crazy. Still browsed the DoC site just to whet my tastebuds. The Fifth/Third bonus is back. If I can remember, I might try to to open one when I go to town for my dentist appointment. That's the closest branch and when I last tried, I couldn't open it online. Wait, I signed up and they didn't send me a coupon. 

- Still haven't heard back from Landing. I might just email them on Tuesday when I handle business. Before this, I'd been happy with the experience. I guess we're still giving grace to customer service because presumably a lot of businesses are still having trouble keeping staff.

- Continue to feel lucky with my remote job. My company has flexed to 2 days of week remote, which is better than the 5 days, pre-pandemic. But people still grumble. I just did the remote job as a nice to have, not ever thinking I would really need it. But wow, what a blessing/ how fortuitous! 

- I've decided 40 is kind of the peak. Like I'm reaching the highest I'll ever go and I'm the youngest I'll ever be again. And then it's like flying...I'll just begin my descent. I know the years I have left are far less than what I've already done.

It's like that part of public speaking for me. You prepare. I script out the speech. I'm nervous anyway. But once I get up there and start reading, I just finish and it's okay. I know what I'm going to say, and then I say it. 

I've grieved the loss of the life I had and that I wanted. And I'm really in this pre-retirement phase. And I guess it's good I have the next couple of years to kind of figure it out.

It's nice being able to push things out and procrastinate. I think the most significant difference I feel these days is that lack of urgency. To do anything - die, do dishes, go on trips...anything from the minutia to the very serious. It just feels like...there will be time... or there won't. But there is just not the sense of I have to do this or x will happen.

Even with my pest problem; it sucks and I hate it; and I want to burn the house down. But I also don't feel like it's because I didn't pray or have enough faith. I just picked the wrong house. That's it. 

It's not because of this that I'm going to find my long lost husband/life or not find my long lost husband/ life. It just is.

Oh wait! Did I tie a husband to life. Was that it? Was that where I thought life began. I think so. That was just the next phase. That was the ceremonious next phase. I don't even judge myself for that. So many cultures have these coming of age ceremonies - bar mitzvahs, quincenearas. And marriage. 

So yeah, there was probably a part of me that was holding her breath. Every time I reached a new milestone or had a big achievement, I did just think right around the corner, I'd find my husband. And maybe I missed that he wasn't there. So yeah, it did make those moments feel like something was missing. 

But I think that's just a factor of the culture I grew up in - western culture. Having loved ones to celebrate your wins with you is a part of the culture here. Oh well.

But so is a lot of other things that aren't true for every person. 

So it's okay.

Wow, this is forty. And I already had my mid-life crisis. 

The rest is just tinkering. Life is just a hobby now. It's something I do in my spare time. It's that old car in the garage. And old dream, something to do. Even if you never get the car to run or get it out of your garage, still you tinker.