Emotional Independence is a lot like Financial Independence

Just finished with Counselor not too long ago. I didn't bring up any race stuff. We just went through my never ending list of thoughts. Somehow we landed on relationships again. Oh well. I'm feeling pretty good right now, so I'm not dwelling.

Well unequivocally, he advised not to re-contact Dan and Sean so after the meeting I scratched them off my life plan for this year. C'est la vie. It did make me wonder if it's even worthwhile to visit Seattle in the summer at all. 

But oh well. That's where my fantasy lake house is. I can still have a hot girl summer there. I hope the Meetup scene is still active.

I'm not worrying about it now. If it sucks, I just won't go back for Fall.

Since I'm in a good mood, I'm going to wax poetic about life.

I feel that my FIRE journey is a lot like my single girl journey. People just don't get it. A lot of it is circumstantial, but it's my circumstance that make this a good fit.

For FI, I'm just not someone that enjoys work. I don't find value in hardwork or working for the sake of working. I'm working because I need money to live. Once I realized, I didn't have to do it for 30 years, I made some sacrifices and life changes to maintain my position. Retiring with a pension or with 30 years of good service was no longer the default outcome or the goal. I just didn't know it was an option before 2018. And as I'll talk about with relationships, it's hard finding anyone in real life that shares my outlook. Some people like the nice things that their hard earned money provides them more than free time. That's just not me. And as it turns out that's okay. The freedom and flexibility and money-joy I found when I found the FIRE community was something I thought just needed to be shouted from the mountain top. But I found no one to listen, and it was incredibly frustrating. Why can't you see what I see? Why don't you believe what I believe. But duh, these people are probably saying the same thing.

I'm reminded of a co-worker who was absolutely dumbfounded that I elected for a hysterectomy because I didn't want kids. So drastic a measure and more so...how could you not want kids. What if that's what God wanted for you? What if your husband wants kids? What husband?!

So yes, FIRE is a factor of my circumstance because I'm not a millionaire. I wasn't born into a trust fund. And I'm not someone who enjoys work/ is that good at it or can get jobs easily. That level of financial insecurity has made pursuing FIRE a better fit for me than someone without that circumstance. But I'm also someone with enough education that I can command a reasonably high salary which makes FIRE more of a possibility.  So yeah, I'd love to keep working and live in a nice house or in a more desirable neighborhood. So that's the sacrifice. I know a lot of bloggers say it's not a sacrifice. But it is for me. I'd love to eat steak everyday or at least have the option to eat steak or get a personal chef or have a weekly housecleaner. But I'd have to keep working and keep climbing the corporate ladder in some way to achieve those things. I just know it's not compatible with the life I can easily live.

So yes, emotional independence is a factor of what's available to me. I'm not a skinny white woman, so my options of partners are limited. I'm also almost 40; have no real idea what a good relationship with a man looks like; watched way too many Disney movies, romance movies; and read too many romance novels. I relied on faith far longer than I should have for a partner to appear. And I'm also very evolved and was raised by hysterical women. I also was very observant and keen on the inequities women face especially dometically and knew that wasn't a life I wanted. That wasn't the sacrifice I was prepared to make in my 20s and early 30s. Work sucked and to think of doing that and being in a relationship catering to a man was not something I wanted for myself.

It felt like I was getting 2 life sentences. 

I would love to be in a relationship with someone I can count on; who brings home the bacon; treasures me; but who I don't have to cook or clean for or hold my tongue; or cater to; or do things that don't come naturally to me. I would love the guarantee of 'life-long.' But as it turns out, friends, few people get this magical relationship I look for. So as this is my circumstance, the better path for me is emotional independence.

I have to rely on myself to meet my own emotional needs. Right now this looks like weekly therapy (maybe more). It looks like distractions; and many trials of different routines; random trips by myself. Communicating with any loose relationships by email (so as not to interrupt my daily flow). Going to random Meetups or community events as they arise. 

I am the central focus of my life. I am the apple of my own eye. I'm the one telling me I'm the best and I have to re-affirm that with my self. 

I make my own way emotionally and financially because that is the best path for me. And it is in large part a matter of circumstance. 

This is unlikely anyone's dream, but it is my reality. It's the life I could design with the most readily available tools. I don't have a mental 3D printer to dream up new tools or designs or pathways. And it's unlikely anything significant will happen to change this path for me for the better in any meaningful way before I die. 

It's freeing. So many people wonder what their life will look like. In so far as I can control it, I know exactly what the next 0-20 years of my life will look like.