A few tears and a cancelled trip

 I don't know where we left off yesterday but I kept thinking about the trip until after 12 midnight Sunday. Grr.

At last look I was at 2 weeks in Nashville for about $1600 and a $400 rdtrp flight out of my regional airport. 

I went ahead and booked the ticket in case the price went up, knowing I had 24 hours to cancel for a full refund. 

I figured I'd give myself until 5p Sunday to decide. 

It's about 2p now and I just cancelled the ticket.

Maybe I'll just sit this one out. Surely, I can spend 2 weeks alone with nothing to do.

I'm not sure why I keep getting stuck like this.

Then a few tears fell. 

Twice today already. 

I just get so tired of thinking. I'm not even sure what I'm benchmarking this trip against to decide whether or not it's a good decision. Which overwhelms me. 

I don't have anything to lose other than $2,000. Which honestly, it's not a long-term regret. (That's another thing I thought of on Saturday when I left an egg boiling on the stove - do I leave it on medium high or medium...well which would you regret more/longer... a burned house or an undone egg... easy choice right!)

But when I'm stuck in this mental fog, I can't think clearly. 

I tried writing out the worst that could happen with the trips... or maybe deciding between the many I had on tap. Somehow I landed on Nashville for 2 weeks. 

But clearly, not feeling super solid.

I think the biggest variable is how I will feel. 

I know I don't want to be alone in this house for 2 weeks with nothing to do. 

What am I afraid of? 

Falling into despair. More tearfulness. Just a lower mood.

After just the last 3 or 4 days, I know I'm already out of things to do, but still can't motivate myself to act.

Side note: when I went to check my email just now, it looks like my Visa to Egypt has been approved! They work on weekends I guess...or it's automated. 

Then also I signed onto meetup to either motivate me to stay or pick a city. There was a nice message from one of the old lady groups. I didn't go to the event today.

I mostly just want to do nothing.

I think even getting ready to go...I don't have the excitement to pack as I would hope to have. 

I thought I would come on here to try to think it through.

Earlier today, I think I just figured...if it got too much to bear, I can just go to Nashville with not much notice. So maybe I would build some momentum.... cost be darned. 

On a whim, I just go my credit line increased by $300. The last time it was declined, so yay me! 

So I have $1800 I can float.

And I have about $2500 cash that I can use to pay something on one card while in America. 

Sorry, if that doesn't make sense.

When I was trying to make the $2600 month stay in Philadelphia work, I wasn't even sure I could pay for it. My one emergency CC doesn't have that high of a credit limit an since Q1 I run pretty lean, I didn't have that much cash in any one account. 

Eventhough I'd rather go to a foreign country with a credit card, now I'm thinking more about this Egypt trip.

It would be really fun! 

I would probably be best to travel on both days on the weekends though vs traveling on the weekdays an having to worry about logging into work. Eventhough I don't have much going on.

All in all, it would be really funny to go to Egypt spontaneously. 

I already had my days mapped out. 

I could try to leave this weekend and come back next weekend. 

I'd have enough time to get stuff done; get scared.

I just double confirmed and I have no real meetings except a 1:1 with my manager.

and 9a EST is 4p Cairo time...so I would literally have the whole day!! This is getting better and better.

I think I'm going to do it.

I'll def get my hair done for this one. 

Ok, off to get stuck in planning land!