Friday, 6 am

 Bounded out of bed again this morning

It was only 6a. D'oh! And now the internet is not working

Oh well

I guess I really am old, waking up early for no reason

I think this is Day 3 of good sleep. Nice.

It's Friday.

Work still makes me nervous, even on light days.

Recovering from small wobbles that previously would have left me a hot mess.

A nicer house sounds nice now that I half jokingly have identified my passion slash purpose as watching TV and eating snacks. 

I think maybe marriage was never my goal. It couldn't have been. It's always been not good enough for me. With that lifted, it shifts how I plan my trips this year. Less about being there for weekends to date. I might still go for weekend, but it's more to have time off to explore. 

But I have more responsibility at work these days so it's a new variable in the puzzle. 

Other thoughts from bed: 

I think forty is too old to want to be married; there's a foolishness with 'love' that I just don't have in me anymore. But it's so hard to give up a fantasy. 

I'm not interested in planning a life with a fat old bald guy. I'm just not. Maybe I'm a man after all.

If this is how the rest of my life looks, it's fine. It's still not a I-want-to-do-this until I’m forty thing, but it's fine. I do want a nicer house.

It's weird that Maryland Aunt wants me to plan trips for her and her older sibling. I'd rather die. 

Still not sure about Antigua trip. It doesn't matter either way. It'd be an easy yes if it's somewhere I've been dying to go or people I'm dying to hang out with. But it's neither of those things.

None of those things are a huge priority or part of any known value system for me. I know I can keep myself alive whether I go or not. 

Now that the work day start is nearing, I want to go back to bed. Humans.