Um... really?

 Before I get into why I came to post today, I checked my work email. I got a Catalyze award to just me (ie, not the whole team) for the 2 deliverables I just delivered. From the regulatory lead... citing amongst other things....my soft skills! I definitely did my best to be very nice after getting a tip from our program lead that he required some massaging. But I felt like I kept messing up. 

Which is so funny because just this morning I was wondering if 4 years of call center work gave me any useful skills other than customer service. Which to me hadn't proven to be that useful. And now this. I was questioning this because when binge reading Living with a FI he had reflected that working in customer service for tech support  helped him learn how to talk to people. 

I don't think it did that for me, and it had me questioning if it had provided me any useful skills (at least in my current life). That was actually part of the reason I left the call center because I felt like it was all I would be able to do, ie that would be my only marketable skill.

I 100% thank FIRE for my job hopping. I had been wanting to leave when other people left but with no direction. I had even thought about going back to school or starting over (yes, making less trying something else... I had no real appreciation for money as you can see). 

I like reading living with a fi... I can't relate to his strong negative opinions about his job or positive reasons for wanting FI, but I like reading his story. I can relate to his unintentional spending and once learning about FI, how it became a framework for managing my finances. It's been such a boon.

Honestly before getting the Catalyze award, I was coming on here to lament some more. It's Day 2 in Nashville (not counting the travel day), and I was already down a bit. Same me, different city. I just feel like a ghost.

An exercise that has helped in the past when I felt stuck was to make a list of what would make the situation better.

I thought about plotting out what I wanted in life...but that got broken down into default, reach, and stretch goals. Then I abandoned the idea quickly because it started to move towards making friends and a partner just out of habit. And I'm not sure I want those things or again if that's just what I think I should want.

It almost feels like the myth of looking for a 'dream job.' I'm fine with what I have until my interests change/evolve. Change seems superficial, capricious, and arbitrary. Evolve feels like growth and progress. 

I had a weird dream last night...well a few, but I woke up with one. I was stuck in some sort of bush and the bush had leaves like on a vine and they wrapped around my arm and everytime I panicked it would get tighter. And I kept screaming, please Michelle! please! But whoever this Michelle person is would just say I can't help you. I wish I could but I can't. Not in a way where she physically couldn't but in the way that ...she could but didn't want to.  Then just when I thought I was free or about to wake up, it had wrapped around my foot. 

Before that I woke up in a sweat, drenched. It happened the night before as well. Last night, I ended up just changing clothes and laying on a towel because I was just wet and miserable. 

I thought it had to do with sugar because I had cookies before bed on Night 1, but the only high sugar content I had last night was Pop Tarts but I thought that was hours before bed. 

I don't know where these night sweats come from. But they happen. 

Last night in my abundant free time I started thinking about sugar as a drug. Mayo Clinic suggested going 2 weeks without sugary foods ( > 5 g of added sugar) to give your body a chance to reset. I hate deprivation exercises but I do think in some time in the future, I probably will need to be better about my sugar intake.

We all know about alcohol and obviously hard drugs. But is sugar intake worse than alcohol intake. I think because people can be functional diabetics.  And alcoholism can really slow you down. But I think in psych terms it only becomes a problem or is considered an addiction if you can't control it and it's disrupting other parts of you life. But I think people can get treated for it even before it's technically a disorder... I think. 

And also, not everyone who overeats sugar becomes a diabetic. Does the same thing happen with alcohol? Do all binge drinkers become alcoholics? Or is there different tolerance levels with that as well as genetic disposition. 

I'm really glad I never developed a taste for alcohol. 

One thing I want to ask my therapist, especially after reading how much this guy valued the relationship with his parents and partner...is what am I missing?

My vision of husbands based on negative media and my community of influencers are:

- Men stick women with babies, they don't help take care of; either the man sticks around and does an unequal share (regardless of income) of household and care taking duties; or drops out of the woman and kids life completely (again regardless of income)

- Men do provide income

- Men cheat on their partners

- Women do the homemaking - making food, cleaning the house, planning appointments, and parties, get-togethers, vacations, even the wedding that they were engaged into, manage the household, and most of tasks that make adult life run smoother

- It just feels more at will on the part of the guy; but a woman feels (either from societal pressure or some other pressure or need for status) to stay even it sucks and it doesn't benefit her; why else do women stay in abusive marriages

- Like the best you can hope for is at least a financially contributing partner

- You have to train him to be useful around the house; and constantly perform to be rewarded so he won't leave you

So yeah... I got off track a bit, but even trying to think through this year or the magical 5 years ahead....without this magic candy relationship, I'm not sure there's much left to achieve.