More thoughts on emotional independence

 So I finished my counseling session about an hour ago. I held back some tears. Ate some pizza. A few tears fell. 

Am I dissatisfied with life or actually depressed?

I was trying on depression, but it still doesn't quite fit. 

Randomly flitted to weather report. It's just below 70 and a bit breezy on the balcony. It feels weird to actually be out here sitting on the balcony. I feel a desire to go outside but not sure where to go. It's supposed to be 80 tomorrow and then rainy and cool Thurs and Friday, and then we're back to the weekend. Nice!

I made a good choice to come here. I'm happy here. Happy?

Where was I?

When thinking about financial independence, there's a lot of talk about freedom. Yes, in the very technical sense of the word, I don't have to work to meet my basic needs. That's a great feeling, no doubt about that. From my perspective, it does give me more confidence, like between 20-50% more to not raise my hand for new projects or ask for more work. I am still shaken when I make a mistake because I do still require and am counting on this income for the plans I have for this year. And I still want to do well enough to keep the job for as long as *I* want. That's the fine line. 

So in the short-term, I am dependent on this job, but in the long-term, I'm not. 

The point that motivated me to come outside and draft a new post was yes...while I am financially independent from my job in terms of meeting basic expenses, I could definitely benefit from having more money in the bank. If I were laid off, I wouldn't need to immediately find a job in order to meet my basic costs of living. And I wouldn't technically need to for the rest of my life.

So to liken that to emotional independence. Yes, I am technically fine on my own. I am living without hugs and kisses and physical affection. I don't have a friend group I can reliably turn to if I'm feeling down or want to share a happy moment. I am self-reliant. I pay a therapist. And I have extended family that I could probably call in case of an emergency, but for the everyday stuff, I'm on my own. But it's lean. I can get up in the morning. I can take trips. 

But like my cheapHouse, it's a factor of circumstance. It's a risk benefit analysis. I'd rather be self-reliant than choose the options that have been presented to me. It's desirable only in that the other choices were less desirable. 

It's hard to break free from the herd. 

There's a connection here that I'm trying to make, but am not getting there.

Basically, would it be nice to have 2.5 million dollars banked and live in a nicer place and have nicer vacations. Heck yes! But is that achievable given all that it would take for me to get there...No. I'm not wiling to aggressively save anymore than I already am (and already have). I've given all I can give and all I'm going to give. I'm not desiring to climb up further in the corporate world. And I don't want to put myself through another round of jobbing because last time it devastated me. So almost by default, but also by choice. This is enough And it also has to be enough because the alternative is not worth the risk. At this time. I say at this time because I don't want my brain to feel caged in and limited. Tomorrow I may wake up and say, Forget this...I'm gunning for Senior Vice President of the World. I'm going to keep working if that's what it takes to have a different lifestyle. But for now, I'm not saying that. This is where I am. So this is where I choose to stay.

So on the emotional side. Yes, when I think back on childhood and I was just emotionally spending my time and resources and energy with other people. I never thought about cost-benefit. My emotions and energy seemed infinite. It was boundless. It was sustainable and renewable. It was like rain and clean air. It was breath. It was just there.

I don't know what happened in adulthood, but I'm more acutely aware of my energy. It no longer feels limitless. It is finite. It's just not as effortless to socialize. It's not without consequences. When I spend x units of energy, I want x units of return of that energy. And it's just not there. 

So just like winning the lottery, if someone wanted to give me 2 million dollars to upgrade my life, I would take it with a resounding yes. That is already stored in my brain as a value-add.

So if someone wanted to provide me with emotional support that required minimal amounts of investment on my part, that is also an easy Yes! (So to that end, I'm not desiring to do much more than I already am, and it just so happens that what I'm doing isn't quite enough. There's no passive income of friendship with the emotional investments I've already made.)

But just like the effort both in earning and saving it would take to reach 2.5 million dollars seems more than I can bear, so too is the effort in cultivating any new meaningful relationships. Even though I would benefit from those new goal posts, I'm out of units to give to both the financial and emotional pathways those would require. (In sticking with the financial analogy, maybe I tried to cherry pick stocks...and lost; but was the index fund of relationships - church? faith?)

This is all I can do right now. The lulls of my job fool me into thinking I could continue to do this long-term. But once the project is active again, I'm reminded of the reality. So the best I can do is enjoy the sweet spots. Like I'm in right now.

With relationships with others, the lulls in my sanity fool me into thinking I can handle the roller coaster of emotions that comes with adult friendships. But once I get on the ride, I'm reminded of the reality. So the best I can do is enjoy the sweet spot of my independent time. Celebrate my simple highs freely by myself and work through my non-catastrophic lows with a therapist. Just like I'm doing right now.