Whoops! (meetings, romance, fries)

 Grr. I woke up way too early and was just waiting around for my 11a meeting. I was the organizer so around 9:30a I started feeling like all I wanted to do was make tacos and watch a Love show. 

So I moved my meeting to Monday!

I regretted it! Usually, I would've felt instantly better. Twist!

Grr. Now I'm hoping I don't have stress for putting off this deliverable until the last minute. I tried to mitigate this by creating a plan for Monday and Tuesday of next week. It helped, a bit.

I was struggling to figure out what I wanted to do with my day. My loose weekly highlights has Fridays as Fry-day at MacDonald's. As a pre-early retiree, I want to get my free stuff. So do I forego my free fries and hamburger today? IN favor of tacos. Or do I try to do both. I got stuck. Is my weekly highlights things to hit or just something to look forward to if I have nothing.

I'm forgetting my rules and losing my rhythm. 

This Antigua trip is confusing. I don't know what to do with it. I've been to the Carribean. The vacation would be fun. But fun enough to use my vacation time? I don't know what the purpose is. 

My theme of #moreFun and trying to enjoy the last year or 2 of my 30s isn't off to a great start so the theme isn't really sticking. 

The Verandahs is technically a good bargain. Do I even know how to have fun? Will I recognize it?

I was brainstorming. Yes, thinking past this year, but also this year. Marriage can't be a goal. It's not the way I wanted, so I have to re-adjust. As my counselor would say, that's just life. 

Romantic relationships are just going to look different for me. It's more companionship and fun I guess. 

I don't have long deep standing relationships with anyone. So it's a huge leap to think I can achieve this with romance. SO MANY FAIL EVERYDAY, even skinny white women. So this can't be my goal. It's simply not achievable.

It's like relying on lottery winnings to support any part of my life. Silly right.

So I'm still plotting out what a relationship might look like in my life, post-40.

No more sex! Yes, sorry to be graphic. No unprotected sex and no fluid exchanges and no oral sex! Part of the appeal is to "trap" a guy and hold out. But if the goal isn't marriage, I don't know that I ever need to have sex. Ever again!

No more showers!! Haha. 

That's one benefit. That ridiculous amount of grooming and freshening up. Freed! That's an immediate benefit. 

I don't have to worry about when to "give it up" or be coy and wait. It's just off the table. 

No more STD tests or HIV tests. No, nothing!

Like my friendships, and current relationships with my family, ok fine mostly my 'friendships' - it's just casual, circumstantial, convenient, something to do. (BUT: I'm never paying for a date again.)

I won't get to practice much from Dr. Pat's book, but that's okay. I enjoyed reading that book A Lot!

I'll get on an app; go on some dates that seem fun. No pressure, no trying to say or do the right thing. No goals or objectives to meet. 

I'm not moving to Seattle or have to worry about convincing someone to date me long distance or how to frame what exactly I'm doing. There's no end goal there. 

I like flirting with cute boys. I like day dreaming of a fantasy romance. But that's not reality. I have to recommit to my Hallmark movies. That's my community. I'm an old lady who likes to eat bon-bons and watch romantic dramas. That's just who I am. For a long time, I thought this was achievable and something I wanted for my life. I can try to do live -action role playing. But it's all fantasy. 

As the French girl says, it's just someone to pass the time with. That's all. No grand sweeping motions of someone to do life with. To grow up with. To sharpen and make better (me or them). Those days are gone. I'm almost 40, I'm a grown up. Logically, if you're not adding value to my life, that relationship is not sustainable or beneficial to me.

This is who I always was but I got lost in the status society said I should want. I'm not a man, I don't have as many emotional or physical needs that need to be met. 

Can I have a FIRE movement away from traditional relationship benchmarks. Just like a 30 year career is no longer desirable, so is a 30 year marriage. How is that different? 

There is that sense of loyalty and tradition and history. And this beautiful pension of riding into the sunset together in both scenarios.

But like your employer, your partner can replace you at any time - you can be fired, laid off, made redundant, treated poorly; your workload and responsibilities can change; your dream job or dream relationship becomes a nightmare. Or you realize work isn't for you.

It's what I used to say in my 20s - if marriage is work and I don't like work, why would I want to be married. I used to say, I only want to be married if I don't have to work. That's still true! Except it's been expanded to include long-term relationships. 

But where's the online community of FIREd Relationships. Where are my people who have absconded traditional marriage/relationships and forged their own path. 

Emotionally independent; single early? Doesn't have the same ring. We'll workshop it.