I still choose the first thing

 So part of what I try to do to soothe the College Incident (The 2001 Incident) is say wow, if only I could have told my younger self that going to community college and then professional school was a hack I would later be proud of, I could have saved myself so much distress.

But that plays into the godly pre-destination I was conditioned for. As in, if I had trusted God or the circumstances around me to work for my good, I would have had a better emotional outcome.

But today, when I'm feeling down, I reject that notion that I should have just been happier with this other choice. When I graduated high school, I wanted to go to college and have that great 4 year experience and the life long friendships that The Messaging promised me. I was going to meet my lifelong friends, have deep meaningful impactful conversations about the human condition and the world at large; I was going to be in the company of game changers and by proximity be a game changer myself; I was of course going to meet my husband. And frugality was never a concept I would have to know.

It's only because those things didn't happen that a new set of priorities has risen to the top. Sure, now I hold onto frugality like a prized trophy because I was better at that than earning money. But if the choice was wealth or a well defined frugal muscle, I choose the first thing! 

I crafted a life and had a vision of a life that would make me happy. I don't have it and the alternative doesn't make me happy. 

My brain wants me to believe that I didn't get to finish Fancy NC School because God was protecting me from what turned out to be a devastating outcome living in NC. But that logic doesn't fly. Why did I get in at all? I obviously didn't see his mercy. I had all the confidence from getting in when I didn't need to. Why were no other schools entered into my orb of influence. That makes no sense. 

Lately it feels like my choices are:

- Sad in NC

- Afraid in Newtown

- Overpriced in Philly

- Invisible in Seattle

I looked up Douglas's number last night and called it. So when I did text him from an unknown number and he didn't respond, I wonder if he knew it was me? Somehow I think yes. 

Sidenote - I don't think CBT is rooted in reality. 

Yesterday I walked to Whole Foods.

What a difference vs Whole Foods NC!

I was not the unicorn black girl. I did not feel out of place. I found myself doing some of the learned behavior from NC - making room for white people, making myself feel small for white people, doing what I can to make white people feel less afraid and more comfortable, and it all seemed unnecessary. When I would step to the side so they can pass, it was unwarranted. They just found their own path. When I would try to avoid their purses or carts, they just moved closer. It was like I was just a regular person. Imagine! No purse clutching or awkward glances or silences. They were just busy people going about their day. No forced smiles or discomfort. I forgot what it was like to be human!

But there were no greetings or eye contact or exchanges. But I was A-okay with it! 

Did I tell you, I think some of my texting anxiety stems from White Trauma. Being pulled into a room after a seemingly innocent exchange and reprimanded for my behavior. 

This is where I start to feel shame. I'm in this toxic relationship with NC and I've tolerated it. It has knowingly left me broken, bruised, suicidal and yet I stay. I'd rather end my life then walk away (for fear that I will never be whole again). 

I'm just so tired of starting over. 

I don't feel confident that what I want is achievable. I don't know where to start.

I'm hearing my counselor say - well what are other people doing. It just irks me. It's like the abuser who only abuses you and everyone thinks they're a great guy. And no one believes you. I think I hate him. 

But I don't know which feelings to trust. It's probably not a good thing that I'd rather my house burn down then have to make a decision. But I don't know which feelings to trust. 

In this moment, I don't want to go back to NC. But that's because I don't want to make the wrong choice. I can't trust that feeling because when I have a job to do at work, I want to quit my job rather than have to go through the stress of doing the work. 

So I don't know if it's that feeling. 

I just don't know which feeling to trust. 

I think I have to break up with NC. And it feels hard, but maybe it's my last act of defiance. 

But that means I choose life, and honestly I'm not ready. 

But maybe I just take the win. I take the $50k and skip out of town. #Reparations.  After 12 years of suffering. Geez. That's barely 4k a year. But living here also afforded me the ability to save a ton of money in a short time. I would have to totally shift my mindset on the experience and my outlook. 

In this moment, I feel ready to sell my house. I don't think I want to go through the turmoil of listing it fully. I want to take the cash offer and book it. 

The next thing is deciding if Newtown is the right next step. My initial thought is No. I don't want to re-traumatize myself. I just remember when I was in professional school, I was so jealous of a classmate who was moving to Portland after because he was going to work retail so could work anywhere. And I wanted that portability. Now I have it. So I feel like the West Coast is Mecca but now I'm not so sure. I think it was just such a sharp contrast to NC. 

I am now feeling leanings toward the East Coast. I just have more information than I did 8 years ago that I'm still processing.