I'm feeling good. Not sure why. I heated up some frozen Trader Joe's bulgogi and rice. Good call on getting a skillet dish that already had the rice in it! Yay, me!
I just opened the window. And when I woke up this morning I decided that after 5p, I'd just settle in on TLC. And that's what's on.
After cooking/heating up my 3rd meal in big silver skillet with success, I felt good enough about moving forward with just ordering a simple meal kit. I picked 3 meals that required very little stovetop time. I found 2 baking sheets and I have some foil, so that worked out. I used a new signup coupon code, so that cut the cost down to $20+ for 6 meals. (This is compared to about $80+ in food and snacks for my first week here. As I type that, it's really not that much, but it seemed like a lot in my head! Haha.)
Anyway, it was kind of rainy and I didn't want to go through the mental task of picking out a restaurant or going back to the grocery store to think of new groceries, and since the stove and pot were working good enough, I went ahead with it. I ordered from Marley Spoon (eventhough I have points I can redeem for Hello Fresh). After some mild deliberation and actually going back to log-in, I decided to get double the servings. So instead of 2 servings for 3 meals; I got 4 servings for 3 meals. I knew it was unlikely I wanted to do a lot of chopping for say 6 meals, but I only have a little over 2 weeks of meals I need to mentally think about. So after saving my box for just the 6 portions, I went back and added double portions. It was only an extra $20.
I think between yesterday and today ... scrolling through restaurants and menus just became too much, it's just easier to eat what I have here.
Plus it was a pretty low-risk proposition to get double the meals for just $20 as that's about how much 1 meal out was going to cost.
In this case, price was less of an issue as convenience. As much as I enjoy getting takeout, choosing and the price of it just felt like more than I was willing to do.
Anyway, all that to say, after 1st deciding not to get a meal kit because the apartment wasn't up to my standard, I changed my mind. And I'm okay with it. Look at me being flexible!
And as for the servings, I think it's a good value proposition overall. I think I have about 16 days to feed myself after the box comes, not including my travel days. So 12 meals is a good default plan. And look, if I find it's too much, I won't do it again. Again, for $20 it was a safe bet. I even splurged when I realized I'd be getting 8 potatoes, and switched half to sweet potatoes for about $2 extra. Big spender over here!
I picked
- salmon and asparagus
- hamburgers (ended up craving hamburgers today and couldn't decide on a place; that's probably what started this whole thing)
- chicken fajitas
I like that I have a range of meats to eat and a good variety of meals!
The other plan was just going back to get the frozen meals I ate this week from TJs. My fave was the noodles.
Moving
I vacillated a bit yesterday if any of it was worthwhile, but today, I'm feeling just a teensy bit more sure I'm selling my house. So I went from serious turmoil and fear of making the wrong choice; to settling at making a decision at the 6 month mark; to being more sure I want to sell. I don't know if my percentage is at 5 % or 55%, but I'm feeling good about selling my house.
The Next Four Months.
All the waiting and trying not to plan was making me anxious and angsty, so I've made a small plot of the next four months.
May - Philly; enjoy last moments of solo time; took the pressure off doing Pilates 3x before leaving here (moved to 3x before moving to Newtown); I probably do still need to leave the apartment a few times a week to maintain sanity though
June - Seattle; have fun; live a fantasy romance; fantasy getaway; pretend I have a summer lake house; I'm feeling more and more sure I want to go back to Seattle for one more summer; I checked Meetup and Sean is still active on there; and now you can message him, so I might do that, if he doesn't show up to the Boardgame meetup; LinkedIn said his job ended so I was getting worried he might leave Seattle; I'm still going to contact Dan, just not sure when or how; I daydreamed a bit about one of my original Hinge love interests - Jamie.
*Jamie - I used to think I was asexual because I don't feel that lusty sexual attraction people claim to feel when they look at someone. I've been carnally attracted to exactly 2 men in my life - a man named Andrew...once in a grad school computer lab; he could have undressed me right there and I would have consented; but nothing ever happened; but I felt the electricity I read and hear about; that was almost 20 years ago; And the second man was Jamie - a guy I had a couple virtual dates with during the pandemic; he told me never to contact him again because although I felt strongly I knew what I was doing with dating, I didn't. I doubt I'll ever feel that way about anyone again since it's happened so rarely.
Anyway, I'm hoping Seattle will still be fun and I can leave the city (with me) in better shape than I did my last couple trips.
July - last days in NC; plan to just try to enjoy anything NC-specific like the beach, barbecue; and I made a packing zone list to tackle packing. So I made about 4 zones, and my thought is to spend no more than 4 hours, one day a week packing until it's all done. I want this to be an easy breezy move with as many conveniences and as few aggravations as possible.
August - will be moving time! I want to close on my house; visit Newtown; do all the logistics that can only be done near the end of the timeline; and then move the last week of August
And so ends the toxic relationship with my long-term partner, the State of North Carolina. Good riddance to bad rubbish, as the saying goes! I'm getting a divorce! We're separating? In one version of this story, I did the thing they tell you to do when you're in an abusive relationship...make a plan to leave; store up secret money, and carefully time your exit. Or maybe I'm breaking up and making out with a hefty payout. That's a win. It's always nice to get a little alimony... oh divorce settlement! Reparations! I don't know what you want to call it. Even the house is giving me a bit of a rebate for living there. Time served!
Mood Tracker
Let's see where we landed for April 2023
Green days (green means good): 16 days
(goal: 16 green days/mon; means more than half)
Red days (red generally means crying): 7 days
Notes: They can overlap. It's just if I register a mood on that day. I can have many moods in any one day. As a reference, March was a recent not great month. I had 6 green days and 12 red days. Yikes! The green goal is really a new thing. I wanted to figure out a way to track how I felt ...or rather progress when/if I made the move. I wanted data to show to myself that I was improving because I didn't understand the mood score as the numbers varied very little, as in decimal point difference. That impact required more analysis than I was looking for. So, I just nominally decided, wherever I move to, I wanted to feel good most days than not (4x/wk or more). The baseline is neutral. Which sometimes I don't even reach neutral.
Enough of that. I just wanted to get in habit of documenting this metric on this here blog since I rarely document financial numbers with any regularity anymore (because the numbers don't change much as everything is on some version of auto-pilot...and oh yea...I already hit my goal! Can someone please remind me I already won!! ).
Life left
Every now and then I get this reminder that I'm closer to death naturally being almost 40. After 60, no matter how young I feel, I am justifiably old. I am quickly approaching old age! So it changes my perspective a bit. Like, do whatever I want to do- now! There's literally not much time left!
Being Mean
So I was actually mean to an old fart on a dating app who had the nerve to tell me I wasn't adventurous enough for him. I told him a thing or two that he wasn't meeting the mark on. I think a weekend of watching true crime shows of men feeling justified to hurt women has me in a mood. Apparently, it's a thing called femicide that quite a few organizations are documenting, tracking, and advocating against. I know this hate against women is my cause, I'm just unclear how to engage.
Anyway, contrary to what I've been taught or conditioned to believe... it felt much better to get back at that guy than to walk away. People feel pain, I'm not sure where this idea of being the bigger person comes from. It's stupid. When someone hurts you, you can hurt them back. There's no reason that only 1 person has to feel the pain. We feel pain for a reason, it teaches us not to do that thing again. That's a lesson everyone needs to learn. Pain is natural, it literally is how our body was designed to remind you not to do dumb stuff.
Other thoughts
It's Sunday and it's almost 8p and I don't feel the Sunday scaries. I think it's probably because I'm not hungry. Or I felt some sort of accomplishment with ordering the meal kit. Or because I don't have any tasks due tomorrow. Yesterday I didn't feel that great nor Friday. I'm sure I've cried in the last week or so. But right now, I feel fine.
I'll try again this week to get out of the house. I want to snap a photo of the LOVE sign an another random Philly landmark.
Also in watching these shows and just recalling all the duds I've encountered in my life, I realized I too have high standards. So while I'm lonely and bemoan the lives of those who are in good healthy relationships, I know a bit of what my holdup has been- I still believe I'm the prize so it's still hard to fake it even if the world wants me to believe I should be grateful for scraps.
Everytime I read a mommy blog, I want to celebrate her, but I also find it gag worthy. I want to read a daddy blog where he counts all the trials and tribulations and all the work he puts into maintaining his marriage and being an exceptional dad. Oh wait, that doesn't exist.
I know I get in these pits of despair and pin every negative feeling to the fact that I'm not married, but intellectually I know there are few marriages I admire or want for myself. I want a relationship to benefit me more than it benefits him. I am a bargain hunter. I want to get a lot without putting a lot of effort into it. I'll maintain what I've always believed - trophy wives and gold diggers get the best deal. And if I could go back and do it all over again, I would choose that life.
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