Yeah, yesterday was not good. There were 3 mini crying spells. I just feel so distraught that this is my life. Everywhere I turn, I'm just reminded it's not going to work out. Haven't you already tried that? I got stuck again on what I feel is my lost destiny.
If I believed in signs and destiny, then I was never supposed to be in NC. So retraced my steps to see if I could find the right road again. But I'm unsure. I really just don't think Maryland is the place for me. It's so crowded and I don't actually enjoy hanging out with my family members that much. But maybe it's the right thing to do. It honestly reeks of magical outcomes.
Good riddance to bad advice. Have you ever taken bad advice because it was popular even though you could easily foresee why it wouldn't work for you. I'm thinking about dating where the popular advice was to date a lot of people. Good idea in theory but for me it just gave me more negative DPs than positive ones. If I could go back in time, I would stick with my very tight screening method. Popular advice doesn't help me when I'm alone and crying and dealing with the fallout. Same with trying new things and trying to make it work here. That's not the solution to just find a hobby.
I think I'm romanticizing destiny a little bit. I was pretty sad and defeated living in Maryland. I really wanted to go to Duke and I just felt like all my life's hopes and dreams had been ripped away from me. And going to Maryland for pharmacy school (which is what Mean Brain is telling me was my destiny) just didn't work out as easily. I'm going along with the thought that the right path would've been easier. I remember having to follow-up with them and even going onsite for them to approve my application for admission. And then they didn't offer me housing until the last minute. So it wasn't as though there was this clearly easy path. It's only in hindsight when I see how spectacularly devastating the last 20 years of my life was that I can see clearly what the better option would've been. Although I've been pretty frugal for as long as I can remember. The cost of college just seemed a worthwhile cost. And at that time, smart kids didn't go to community college. That was just not the trajectory I was sold. It felt like this going away to college experience was owed me. It was the experience I wanted.
Maryland still doesn't feel like the right decision right now, but maybe I should give it a chance?
I think last night, it finally just occurred to me that if I'm crying this much and all my notes speak about escape, maybe it's time to listen. Also my NC license expires in March of 2024 so while arbitrary it would be nice to not have to renew it for another 8 years.
Right now, I'm still thinking I'll move to Newtown if given the incentive. And I'll do that in September. But if I don't get the incentive, I think ...well so many new ideas have popped off for the summer - mostly going buck wild...South Africa, Seattle....all the things.
But mostly, I'm thinking I'll give it another year, just really try to check in with my feelings and have a clearer picture of what I want/ is it achievable. And then try again to move in Spring 2024...I'm looking at May again since there's some anchor bias that that is the best time to sell a house.
In other news, I woke up at 8a for a meeting that got cancelled. Groan. I have a check in later and then therapy. Today would be a good day if I would stop weighing myself down with what the heck I'm going to do with my life.
I think too leaving NC means I believe in signs which I'm not ready to delve full force into Christianity. But I do think more bad things than good things happened to me here. The fact remains that I remember vocalizing and feeling like being here killed my spirit. I remember vocalizing and feeling that I bought this house to die in. I remember formulating a plan to end my life here. I remember buying a pistol permit because I was 2 bad incidents away from ending my life. Those are facts.
But what's scary is while I'm focusing a lot on NC, I've had some of those feelings before. If my memory doesn't fail me, I think at least writing them down in 2010 which is a year before I came to NC. And I definitely used to dream about driving off the road when I was teaching in California.
But I think that's why Maryland isn't really the fresh start I'm looking for either. I remember being pretty unhappy there.
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