Feeling a little down

 Sigh. 

It's Thursday and I'm feeling a little down. I probably should stop watching all these dating and relationship shows. I joined Coffee Meets Bagel for the second time this week. Grr.

I wanted to text Dan. I found his profile and I see the part about wanting deep conversations and those being important. If only.

I just wonder about my excitement to move to Newtown while also keeping my house. The safe plan of planning to move back here makes me think what's the point. It's kind of a pre-nup in a way. Both parties get to leave with what they came into the relationship with. 

If I'm coming back anyway, why all the upheaval.

When I think about just saying F it, and just move to Newtown, I'm not even that tempted. I don't see a longterm future there. I'm so far away from everyone I know (even if I don't see or talk to them much). I've been living in NC for 12 years. Even if I hate it, it's familiar. 

Where does this all fit into my longterm plan. That's what I'm struggling with. Deciding to come back here makes it feel like what's the point. If I'm going to die here anyway. But deciding to go somewhere after feels hard and scary. 

The house is a tangled safety net around my neck. 

I just have so much history of things ending, that this seems like a futile exercise. 

I'm cold and it's cloudy and I just want to take a nap. Maybe a forever nap.